peices of all da parts

I don't know if you ever want to talk to me again.

I was sending you a cell im when yours came in.
After I hit the send button with what I wanted to say, it came back and came back over and over again. So I thought I'd try here, again.


I don't totally expect you to understand, but very sadly I do.

Had an emergency meeting with Shrink this morning. I just was seeing so much that I couldn't wait and he was free. But my damage towards you had already been done.

I've been sitting in Shrink's office for 20 years now. Trying to figure out some very basic and fundamental things. I finally see them....and certainly do feel them.


Shrink says my taught path in life, was to put others in the lime light. I was to stay seen but not heard and to help everyone else feel supported and cherished. But when ever I tried to do the same, I was met with depression and feelings of abandonment and much old pain. That I had actually done WRONG by trying to find my own way. Instead of healthy nurturing to support me and let me be independent.

For the first time in my life, a real friend was very present, while I was doing something that scared me. JR was there at the gallery to support me! Not to show off to her friends, or the folks in the shop that she was with me and therefore hot stuff. (sorry about the rhyming words, they only seem to come out when I'm this kind of upset).

She was holding a pen jotting numbers and names down on the inventory list I brought with me for my own record keeping. She was incredible, helping to keep me and things organized and doing her own learning the entire time.
She really is my true friend. I've worked so dam hard to have even just one.
It was so good.

The entire exchange was healthy and alive. Gallery1 was learning a lot from me. And I was learning a lot about me, I so haven't given myself much if any credit for.
It was all new and all about me for real!
Answers to long old questions right there. Gallery1, like me, she too puts herself down. She is asking not much money for fine art work, cause she too is scared of pricing.
She taught me, I told Shrink, how it looks to under sell! It was assume, and hard....it all started connecting.
She wanted most of them, but took just 7. If they do well, she'll get more.
She put them on, god they looked wonderful. She set them up on a hanger with a dress, shirt and pin. Lovely. Just what I had in my minds eye.

It was all mine. Shared with a good friend.

And then I came home and felt an odd limbo.

Not used to feeling such an honest and worked for Good. Not for anyone else, but just for me.

When I saw you online I wanted to scream and shout. But I held back....and slowly I felt myself get quiet. I couldn't figure out what was going on. I thought I should feel pretty damn good. But instead....I was getting quieter and quieter, not able to say what I thought I felt.

I fought with myself the entire time I saw you online. I wanted to allow myself to scream and shout...to tell you fully about my day. To open my fucking mouth!
But I didn't let it happen. I was my normal good church mouse.

I didn't see it.....it came cunningly in.....sideswiped my NOW, it came crashing in......

While that entire scenario was being typed out to you, it felt so old, so long ago inside.
Like a big woolie fur coat, wrapping round me till covered.............

I am not supposed to have good without having the other..............alone and lonely and abandonment............

The Game: Now I remember!!!

For a few years now I've been asking myself:
Why have I been able to be alone for 20 years? Living with illness and living with fear?
Why am I fully dependent on my folks??? ALL my life. Period. No shit.

What ever the game, it's pattern, the structure has to be major! THAT is what I have been trying to SEE and to FACE.

Tolle is right, the work cannot really be done alone on an island, or in a dark apartment space. I had to take intimate chances!!


To keep myself safe as a kid I created full worlds. Under water. In pools and the sea. Under our big grand wooden desk. In my closet under the books. Every thing and any where could easily become a fantasy land that kept me in groused and out of my NOW life. Safe. Fully safe. And away from them!

It wasn't about you and KitCat last night. It was about me playing out what I know. The full structure of what my folks belief system is, interpreted by me.

In the past, even a few weeks ago, I told my mother good things. In return she sounded depressed and abandoned by me. Almost even saying so. So Shrink says I learned that by trying to be independent, it meant no love. It was only when I was SICK that I could get the love I wanted. (ping)

When I was going thru my house, tossing and dumping I was really emotional, and my mother caught me in the middle of a crying fit. She was all over me with loving support. And wanting to gossip too, about things she knows nothing about. She had good luck, she found me in, her daughter upset and feeling so low....Mom was high omighty, while I was incredibly low. All of it wrapped up in pretty pink bow...of "nurturing" "support" another old form of much love and support. (pong)

I've finally figured out, who's been playing Ping & Pong!


Having you leave me now, is my "pay off." In the past somehow, that is what worked. If I surcum to my mother's wooows, tears of fear....I got/get good loving, taken care of, even nurtured. I then feel more real. Loss equals being and feeling real.

So now I get safe self loving, in the place of a real life. That's what I've been doing again and again. Not very different really from being co-dependent on, to and with my folks.

Just not allowed to have my very own good filled up life.

It just that in my life...it means I lose the things I really want and love. So if you can see, it doesn't really work for me. It's just a pattern, a lesson of behavior, that is the fundamental answer to the how everything that is important to me, in my life has not worked.

This is how my sister gets to have a full life and I do not.
She gets to have a love, and now children, and I do not.
She gets to have holidays with her own family and I get to have it with my folks and not my own.
Perfect. This is how it was designed to be when little and now grown.

The real connections are happening right now! I'm getting clear and will be fully real.

THANK GOD I let you come into my life.
You have been a big and wonderful gift.
You helped me to see the, & my own light.

I'm truly so sorry for hurting you.

Love you always,
pieces of parts