A grand piece of my part is dying.

Every story I come up with is at it’s own life’s ending. I’ve heard them all before, with every boyfriend I’ve ever had. With each family member fight, with each girlfriend twist and turn. It’s always the same...I am not getting what I want and feel denied, not cared enough about for them to have included me in whatever it was, my heart is breaking within the story and my tears roll down my face into the deep well that has been there, at the foot of my heart, ever since I can remember.

This is my Drama. And as Eckhart Tolle puts it....is our life's story, the one we identify our selves with, as being Who We Are!

I am and have been a person in “my place” where I am not supposed to really get anything that I want. Everyone else comes first....way before me, and will be in their lives, living them to the fullest long after I am gone.

Victim has been me, and nothing more.

The dramas I play out are deadly. By the time I am done with them, they have done me. Head is pounding, body cries in utter pain, the curve of my spine is wrapped in feelings of deep dread of my life long sufferings. I am totally and completely wiped out. Whatever day’s plans land on that particular morning, afternoon or night, are shot. Movie dates, dinner dates, travel out of town plans, art works to be created, are dead. And me... I stay home to mend what I myself have beat’n to a pulp, leaving her dead face down on some rug or wooden floor, alone...to be always and forever alone.

In this odd space I have found, what I now see very clearly, the sort of “love” I have come to know as being my SAFE space. It’s both incredibly mean to me, and yet incredibly safe and self love making, no bad from the outside world can get to or into me. I’ve pushed everyone I love away. And I’ve pushed everything I love to do away, as well. Both important to my state of being a full and functioning person on this planet, in the ONE life I have been offered under this name, and time and space.

For years I thought, that on some level, deep within me, I knew much of it all was my doing. The addiction of blaming others was much more powerful now, than the one I’d been taught growing up around. So in part, it was what I was taught to do. And I did it very well.

But this pattern no longer works for me. It does and will always “keep me safe” but it has cost me dearly in payments of pain, for that feeling of ultimate inner safety high. I have paid so dearly to have it as my norm. I have lost so much time, femaleness, my body, so much art work. I lost lots of NOW. I was just always in a state of constant safe-of-being.

It was like I woke up one morning and suddenly 10 years of my life, poof, were gone. And I knew at that moment, I’d been fooling myself. But trying to endlessly stay safe, cause one feels as if they are being attacked constantly, is in it’s self, addictive. And it’s a deadly circle, of deep love and deep hatred - I blamed others - for doing this to me. But really hatred of myself for not being better than I am. Each part of those feelings, pieces of even more addictions, and ultimately a kind of insanity.

With a zeal for finding my truths, I have been in a shrink’s office the better part of my life. But up until I was 17, I wasn’t in it for me as a person on this planet. When I was 17 I met a “cool” straight forward Shrink, who in our first session showed me Spirit, Choice, a kind of Being that I didn’t know very much about, but had felt it from time to time.

He was sitting in “his” chair and me...I was for whatever reason...sitting in the middle of the room. After a LONG time of total silence, he said: “You know, you are here to interview me. So, ask me something.”
Me! Me ask someone something? Me in the middle of a room with a stranger asking them questions? I’m the one that sat at the WAY back of the classroom, hoping to the Gods above that the teacher would never ever find me!
We sat there in silence for I don’t know how much longer, but it still seems like forever and a day.
Then he said: “Okay. If you aren’t going to ask me anything, then I am going to ask you. So Pieces, how’s your sex life?”

WHAT? HUH? HUH? HUH? WHAT?? I was totally shocked! I didn’t know what to do or say. In the middle of that room. I was seen! Couldn’t hide behind a damn thing! I was embarrassed, blown totally the f**k away, to say the least! And then at some point, I started to just crack up.

I have no idea what I said after that, but I do know, and remember, that as I left his office on that first visit, I liked him. And I knew I could do my work with him. I started my own personal quest to find my own truths with Shrink O’c. That exchange was profound, and I knew it some where deep with in me, even then. I knew it the moment I started giggling at his question to me, I knew.

That same KNOWING with in me has been working ever since that time, to get me healthy. I was in a totally co-dependent or outer-dependent as I like now to call it, relationship with my family. Which of course included any persons in my life; boys and girls, lovers and hang’n gang folk.
I did NOT get along with my Mother, in fact a was physically abusive towards her. I had no words to say how I felt and so that was how I could only relate to them. And that was part of the reason my Mother was trying to find me a good Shrink to go to and get the help I needed, she needed. But I’d also been seeing Shrinks in ever place that we lived, in every country as well. At 17, in THAT particular Shrink’s office, I made a choice. My own and rather clear choice. Therefore I feel to this day, that my own personal work, for me alone, started on that day with that one man.
I barely spoke to and with my Father. I fought horribly so with my Sister.
I knew nothing of how to use words to speak my feelings. I am still learning how to do that today. My safety zone is in NOT speaking. But so in there, is my no life, no love, no real joy, no intimacy, no real Being.

I’ve been working since then, to hold my own self dear. To find the words to say what is in my heart. I don’t know what is in it, I’ve never really given it a voice, even deep within me. My wants and needs and desires have only come out in the roll-playing I do within me, or even out loud in my own space, with my own real tears and screams and almost crazy making voices of chaos that have been running ramp-id for years now. Controlling me. Keeping me in My Place. Keeping the bad I felt I grew up within, in my own life, constantly.

I have gone to the Shrink in the town where I am now, for 20 years now. Mostly “same Bat channel (day of week), same Bat time.” Many times the ONLY support I was getting, both by choice and by truth. I have done my work and now I am at an important ending, and a courageous start.

As I started this post off with....the scenario of how I think my life “should” be going. How I think the people in my life “should” be treating me. How I “should” be talking, acting, being and so on...the person that brings them up, the person that cries her heart out, the person that is left face down on the payment of my rugs and past hard wood floors... in utter tears and a pained body and mind that would often in the past, lead me to seizure activity....she is now dying.

For each scenario brings me to and ending of my life. a “Why go on” with the story telling.
Not that I haven’t tried to physically end my life, I have. In many more ways than just taking all my medications or going to bridges and deciding where I’m going to jump off from, or standing out in the cold until I just freeze and die from doing it. Oh yeah, I’ve felt all of that, and it got worse while taking one of the medications I took for my migraines. But this is more than that. This is what triggered much of those steps to the bridges.
This is the mind-f**k that got me to those spaces. That have kept me in my place, that I have been blaming others for putting me there.

They did. They do have responsibilities of their very own.

But I have mine. And I know deep within that I can only change one person....now I know it....I can only change me.
In so knowing this... my scenario have been dying for some time now. I can no longer find what my heart longs for within them. I must take chances, the main one being....not thinking. Turning off my mind, and allowing what is NOW to be. To not go backwards and live in a time that did not work. To not go forward in a time that is not here yet. And when it does come, it will be my NOW and I will deal with it at that moment, alone. That step. In that time. But not now, and not as I have been doing for way too long now.

But who am I with out this mindf**ker constantly telling, and yelling at me, that having what I want, is not for me, it is only for others? That life is hard and the only way that I can live or have what I want is with hardnesses. And therefore I don’t want any of it.

I don’t know. But for the past few months, I’ve been just feeling my way thru our Earths day’s minutes. Checking in with my KNOWING. I know nothing else. I know nothing. I only know that almost everything I have done till now, has not really worked for me. Other than My Work. Which has been much looking inside for my answers. Dedicated to my Shrink visits. Dedicated to my readings. Dedication to my non-verbal and inability to work with words, and accepting my own Being as SHE is. Those I have been most dedicated to, and have done incredibly well with. For I am alive today, and able to see the pieces in the parts in the patterns that have been making up my life story until now.

Today, this very day, more than any other in my recent daily self dedications, ALL those pieces are all sitting on a shinny brass plate, on top of my wooden table, right in front of me, in my mind.
Today, I am in the midst of all those pieces, which are me, which grew out of my self dedications.

Today, I am the brass plate. I am KNOWING.
For “It,” which I now call SHE, has been watching over me all my life.

My pieces of my parts.
I now honor my 17 year old.
She kept her promise.
She did her work.
In her NOW,
it’s time to say ALLOW.

pieces of parts