Hurt'n Body of Parts All in Pieces
I am in aww of those quotes I posted. Each one moves me to tears that are from way down, deep within me. They are where I am right NOW, they are what I am looking at, in my own life. Something did die in me, and something just behind that death, is now coming to offer me a new life.
SHE's been there all along. Very strong but kept in the back, almost as if sentenced to be in a cage, not allowed to come forward and Be.
It feels like energy that used to only come out every so often, it empowered me and then something happened and it would go away, hide from sight....my own sight, my own Being. But still be present and there, only I didn't know how to get at it. At HER.
But NOW that there has been a Death of sorts. SHE is before me. KNOWING SHE is about to stay.
I am threatened by the loss of the only kind of love I truly know how to deal with. I know very well how to hide from everyone in my life, within it. How to feel angry "at them all." For doing all that THEY have done to me, and still are doing. I am safe within it, and "Loved."
I've said a lot of things over the years, about others and how THEY see me. My interpretations of their comments, body and facial reactions to whatever I've done or said.
I have taken them in and owned them as I saw them, and learned their existence, but not these particular ones. I've heard myself say them over and over and over and over again....outwardly, to others. But I didn't take them in. Inside me. Felt them. Belonged to them. Owned them. It was always THOSE people. THEIR stuff. What THEY did to me. FELT about me. TOLD me. INSINUATED to me.
THEY had their Parts of the Pieces. THEY own them. THEY still do them. I will not take responsibility for their choices and actions. I've worked most of their parts out. They sit on the brass plate before me. Along with the plate next to it, which is mine. My stuff. ME.
Today I am feeling them. Feeling those feelings. I've carried them forever. And NOW they are sitting on my lap, with no place to go, but gone. And in that gone, I see the only Pieces I've ever known. I've ever even half way loved. With the only love I've ever understood as being mine and just for me. The one that fits me just right, because it is how I have viewed myself to be. So IT has been "good enough."
I am terrified. I am walking thru a door way that will leave behind.... ME.
All my work has been to have better. To be loved and adored, to feel whole and just. To feel that I have the right, to BE. To not constantly feel that I have to play catch-up in order to just fit in. To where in the end, I don't like to be. It always ends up being about places and people and things and what comes next cause this right here in front of me isn't good enough. It's THEIR pattern. I do not like it.
It ends up being....not ME. Not the real me. But it's what I know. It's what my mind's chatter says I "should" be doing, to be a good daughter & famous artist.
I hurt every where. All parts of my body are showing me that part of the way that I have lived my life, and kept myself safe, has been to be ill of one sort or another.
In those illnesses I found comfort and "love" and togetherness, and intimacy. But also much actual pain, total loneliness and utter isolation. But time to think, that took me to far off places and spaces and worlds far beyond the one my body lived in. And even to no man in my bed, no kids of my very own. Only two sides of one coin, constantly.
The work in my Shrink's office has been to find the Gray Zone. So he told me years ago. Being in the NOW is that gray zone. And I am NOW here, within it.
My NOW body hurts with all it's past thought patterns and active ways. In order for my body to stop it's hurtful daily paths, my mind's chatter must be let go of. This I know. It has been "working for me." I have seen evidence of great healing and joy and letting real love and real friendships in and out. And real heart felt respect for my own feelings and needs and wants, to come in, stay and live within me. I've felt them. I know it can be possible. But I am or feel that I will be alone in it. And very much unloved from the Parts I know.
Not much different, yet totally different and new. And no kind of Love I know anything about. And no kind of life I know anything about.
THE only thing I KNOW....NOW...is that I've worked VERY hard for THIS, since 17, when I made my very own clear self loving Choice.
(Was it self loving? or was it ME giving in to the insinuation that I was totally responsible for being the way that I was. And therefore, it was up to me to find a cure for me, and then for the OTHER(S). So that the OTHER(S) didn't have to take responsibility for their PARTS of my Piece! The choice of saying Okay....I am the sick one.)
Pieces of Parts
SHE's been there all along. Very strong but kept in the back, almost as if sentenced to be in a cage, not allowed to come forward and Be.
It feels like energy that used to only come out every so often, it empowered me and then something happened and it would go away, hide from sight....my own sight, my own Being. But still be present and there, only I didn't know how to get at it. At HER.
But NOW that there has been a Death of sorts. SHE is before me. KNOWING SHE is about to stay.
I am threatened by the loss of the only kind of love I truly know how to deal with. I know very well how to hide from everyone in my life, within it. How to feel angry "at them all." For doing all that THEY have done to me, and still are doing. I am safe within it, and "Loved."
I've said a lot of things over the years, about others and how THEY see me. My interpretations of their comments, body and facial reactions to whatever I've done or said.
I have taken them in and owned them as I saw them, and learned their existence, but not these particular ones. I've heard myself say them over and over and over and over again....outwardly, to others. But I didn't take them in. Inside me. Felt them. Belonged to them. Owned them. It was always THOSE people. THEIR stuff. What THEY did to me. FELT about me. TOLD me. INSINUATED to me.
THEY had their Parts of the Pieces. THEY own them. THEY still do them. I will not take responsibility for their choices and actions. I've worked most of their parts out. They sit on the brass plate before me. Along with the plate next to it, which is mine. My stuff. ME.
Today I am feeling them. Feeling those feelings. I've carried them forever. And NOW they are sitting on my lap, with no place to go, but gone. And in that gone, I see the only Pieces I've ever known. I've ever even half way loved. With the only love I've ever understood as being mine and just for me. The one that fits me just right, because it is how I have viewed myself to be. So IT has been "good enough."
I am terrified. I am walking thru a door way that will leave behind.... ME.
All my work has been to have better. To be loved and adored, to feel whole and just. To feel that I have the right, to BE. To not constantly feel that I have to play catch-up in order to just fit in. To where in the end, I don't like to be. It always ends up being about places and people and things and what comes next cause this right here in front of me isn't good enough. It's THEIR pattern. I do not like it.
It ends up being....not ME. Not the real me. But it's what I know. It's what my mind's chatter says I "should" be doing, to be a good daughter & famous artist.
I hurt every where. All parts of my body are showing me that part of the way that I have lived my life, and kept myself safe, has been to be ill of one sort or another.
In those illnesses I found comfort and "love" and togetherness, and intimacy. But also much actual pain, total loneliness and utter isolation. But time to think, that took me to far off places and spaces and worlds far beyond the one my body lived in. And even to no man in my bed, no kids of my very own. Only two sides of one coin, constantly.
The work in my Shrink's office has been to find the Gray Zone. So he told me years ago. Being in the NOW is that gray zone. And I am NOW here, within it.
My NOW body hurts with all it's past thought patterns and active ways. In order for my body to stop it's hurtful daily paths, my mind's chatter must be let go of. This I know. It has been "working for me." I have seen evidence of great healing and joy and letting real love and real friendships in and out. And real heart felt respect for my own feelings and needs and wants, to come in, stay and live within me. I've felt them. I know it can be possible. But I am or feel that I will be alone in it. And very much unloved from the Parts I know.
Not much different, yet totally different and new. And no kind of Love I know anything about. And no kind of life I know anything about.
THE only thing I KNOW....NOW...is that I've worked VERY hard for THIS, since 17, when I made my very own clear self loving Choice.
(Was it self loving? or was it ME giving in to the insinuation that I was totally responsible for being the way that I was. And therefore, it was up to me to find a cure for me, and then for the OTHER(S). So that the OTHER(S) didn't have to take responsibility for their PARTS of my Piece! The choice of saying Okay....I am the sick one.)
Pieces of Parts
posted by Pieces Of Parts at Thursday, March 31, 2005
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