HIM to My Screaming Pieces
I tried to call you yesterday around 6pm, but the phone just kept ringing.
Sucks...
I'm sorry I've been distant the past few days. I've been fighting with my hiding part, the one that has always felt she NEEDS isolation in order to do her own work. I have been starting to see that there might be better ways in which to get that separate time for myself, without shutting out the people I care about and are closest to me.
When I tell you I am on a 'mission' or 'going thru something' this is what i mean
This is a life long pattern that I am trying to break and see what's on the other side.
I am also seeing that the isolation drives me to and into my crazy Pieces that wants to be committed, I just met her again, and "we" had a big fight -- so to speak.
I was able, this time round, to watch HER. To hear many of the words SHE was saying to me. Most of the ones I really could hear, were totally degrading and "he, she, they don't really want to be, love, do things with you" "your alone, you've always been alone, you are going to stay alone and it's better for you anyways" The "stay in your place Pieces" words. I've NEVER HEARD THEM before this, so clearly! They are the ones I've been trying to hear. Because I have not understood what happens to ME and where do I GO, often in a very short period of time!! Now I got a true insight. Which can only lead to more real healing.
I've heard those messages, in me. And in your words abt you.
I've been tossing between wanting your arms around me, missing you deeply, with a voice that keeps telling me I don't NEED him, I've been alone thru all these spaces, I do better alone, he wouldn't want me this way anyways and so on into deeper more horrible self degrading reasons why you and everyone else would be and do better without me. The only "problem" there, is that you, since day one of us, have been wanting to keep in touch with me every day. Every day! I've never known such a relationship. From a man. The women that tried to do that with me, well I felt closed in and I left those relationships.
Really? Me too!!!
The fact that you've been doing that, no matter where you are for the most part, was messing with me this time around. Before there was no one in my life. In my heart. No one on "my side" Everyone out for themselves. Girlfriends that had me in their lives for what they thought I could give them and men, well about the same. Since ALL of that is different now, and there is this man that keeps in contact with me almost every day, in one form or another....well THAT particular voice didn't have much to stand on now. Was having a very hard time "controlling me!" So the FIGHTING was serious. Feeling much like GOOD vs DEVIL (EVIL).
how abt new VS. old??
Parts of me begging for a seizure. Parts of me begging to be committed and finally be done with it.
fight or flight are the two strongest instincts..
Another part of me trying to practice Tolle. And another one trying to show me, by speaking to me all that I have changed and done so far, up to now, and still another reminding me how wonderful NOW feels, moves forward, turns MY pages, flows. ALL parts jabbering at me LOUDLY! Once again putting me in Grand Central Station, NY when all the 5:30 trains come in to take folks home, in fast motion.
Now you know what MY committee feels like in MY head!!
That craziness has mostly been a blur to me. I was aware of each train, that each one was going in a different direction, but the rushing, in almost a blur, people, all dressed in their black rain coats, made them seem all the same. Now I could see they weren't. And that indeed the trains, each of them, were beyond the people.
My voices were of ONE. But they were also of MANY. Of Me.
While taking a too hot bath, I screamed loudly inside my head. I was screaming "bloody murder" at those voices, telling them all to shut the F*K UP, NOW! Over and over and over again. I felt as crazy or more crazy then the folks I see every day talking out loud to themselves on the street. I felt beyond them. Tolle is right. Our self talk is just that; Insane!
Those insider yelling matches I think have now become my Epileptic seizures replacements. I think the bloating my body has been manifesting is of the same energy source.
You Are the only chairman of YOUR comittee!
I do feel like my NOW is or has been having a therapy session with my Ego-ic self. I was Shrink role playing with me. Bringing to me what he does bring to those exchanges. A strong acknowledgment that he's been listening to me all these years. Hearing me. Paying attention and remembering. Respectful and caring. And in my own self session, Loving.
I NEED from me, respect for my plight. I NEED me to understand that this has all been VERY real to me. And that it has been insane and a total way of finding my own boundaries and keeping myself safe, from mannerisms that hurt me or that I felt hurt by.
I NEED to know that I, Pieces, had the right to feel the way I did.
I NEED to know that I, Pieces had real feelings and I felt I really NEEDED to protect me.
Self Validation!!!! New shit!! Awesome... Go Pieces!!!
I feel like, if I KNOW NOW that I had all those rights then.....I'll KNOW NOW, I have much to stand for. And not dip back into the waste land of a "wasted life." Where everyone's life, including the one of my 6 year old niece, is "better than mine."
Your environmental programming..
Which is where this bought, ........... or cycle as you put it, all started from.
Bout do you mean? as in another 'round'?
I stood up for myself with Little-Star, and now I have been showing to myself the reasons I did that. And NEEDED to do it. And NEED to move thru it, and past it, and forward. Mainly that I must TAKE ME Seriously, because my life has been of a real person's life. Not a soul that could be seen-thru and not heard. REAL. Bones. Flesh. Blood. Really knowing all this, as fact, as my life... Really knowing all this, as fact, as my life as my own BEING... I can turn, MY PAGE.
Leaving me....can no longer be an option.
You are simply amazing! an far more wonderful.. but on to the end..
I love you.
And I you milove.
Pieces of Parts
P.S.
<I stood up for myself with Little-Star, and now I have been showing to myself the reasons I did that.
And ....>>
I wanted to make a point here.
I think my word bought, and cycle....and your word cycle.....isn't quite right here.
They aren't either one.
I get my nerves up to do something that I am scared of doing and I then crash. Or have been.
Nope. prolly not.
I don't think it has anything to do with my period/pms/premenopause - none of it. I bet if you asked Shrink how I have been dealing with my baby steps...we'd both find out, what I already know.....which is that I step outside myself, and then get scared and fall back down. Pick myself up in due time, and do it again.
Now-a-days I do a lot more that scares me. So the turn a rounds or what ever, are much more common.
And you are becoming used to what they feel like and know they will end. Because you've WORKED thru the others to date..
But Biker...again I say to you....and CC and Shrink both can tell you....it used to be, that I would come home from being with my folks, and be devastated! And it would take me 6 months to a year to get over and thru that ONE visit! Only to go through it again each time I went "home."
Got that clearly.
I want your heart to hear me, Biker. This has nothing to do with my pre-menopause!!!
Other things do. Yes, indeed they do. But NOT this.
This pattern is how I have been KEEPING MYSELF SAFE ALL MY LIFE!!!! PERIOD!!
Your love and support of me, is allowing me to face my most scariest of spaces. Period.
I was doing the VERY best I could do when you walked into the yarn shop that day. I had been doing ALL the work I had, alone. With no one on my side, loving me unconditionally.
I think I did pretty dam good!
You would not be where you are if you had not been then.
I now have people in my life that don't run away when I talk about the things that are important to me! JR and LF to only start with. They, like you, want me to talk, want me to call when I am not okay and when I am okay! All new and totally precious to me!
It IS fucking awesome aint it?
But I needed to feel "safe" in order to do this leg of my "recovery."
And I never have.
Everything I really know, is conditional.
I love you.
Pieces of Parts
I am not conditional. Neither is my love and support or that of your girlfriends.
You are not alone and wont be ever again I dare say. Not because of me, or anyone else, but because you have decided not to be and are acting upon that. I deeply admire you in your struggles and gain insight into myself and to you all the time.
I adore thee babes!
Be excellent, Call someone ya love! hint, hint..
Love ur not so oily biker boy.
Biker
P.S. Any suggestions on bike color? kinda stumped... leaning toward Grey.... for now but blue and purple been brought up. Nothing blowing my skirt up yet.
Sucks...
I'm sorry I've been distant the past few days. I've been fighting with my hiding part, the one that has always felt she NEEDS isolation in order to do her own work. I have been starting to see that there might be better ways in which to get that separate time for myself, without shutting out the people I care about and are closest to me.
When I tell you I am on a 'mission' or 'going thru something' this is what i mean
This is a life long pattern that I am trying to break and see what's on the other side.
I am also seeing that the isolation drives me to and into my crazy Pieces that wants to be committed, I just met her again, and "we" had a big fight -- so to speak.
I was able, this time round, to watch HER. To hear many of the words SHE was saying to me. Most of the ones I really could hear, were totally degrading and "he, she, they don't really want to be, love, do things with you" "your alone, you've always been alone, you are going to stay alone and it's better for you anyways" The "stay in your place Pieces" words. I've NEVER HEARD THEM before this, so clearly! They are the ones I've been trying to hear. Because I have not understood what happens to ME and where do I GO, often in a very short period of time!! Now I got a true insight. Which can only lead to more real healing.
I've heard those messages, in me. And in your words abt you.
I've been tossing between wanting your arms around me, missing you deeply, with a voice that keeps telling me I don't NEED him, I've been alone thru all these spaces, I do better alone, he wouldn't want me this way anyways and so on into deeper more horrible self degrading reasons why you and everyone else would be and do better without me. The only "problem" there, is that you, since day one of us, have been wanting to keep in touch with me every day. Every day! I've never known such a relationship. From a man. The women that tried to do that with me, well I felt closed in and I left those relationships.
Really? Me too!!!
The fact that you've been doing that, no matter where you are for the most part, was messing with me this time around. Before there was no one in my life. In my heart. No one on "my side" Everyone out for themselves. Girlfriends that had me in their lives for what they thought I could give them and men, well about the same. Since ALL of that is different now, and there is this man that keeps in contact with me almost every day, in one form or another....well THAT particular voice didn't have much to stand on now. Was having a very hard time "controlling me!" So the FIGHTING was serious. Feeling much like GOOD vs DEVIL (EVIL).
how abt new VS. old??
Parts of me begging for a seizure. Parts of me begging to be committed and finally be done with it.
fight or flight are the two strongest instincts..
Another part of me trying to practice Tolle. And another one trying to show me, by speaking to me all that I have changed and done so far, up to now, and still another reminding me how wonderful NOW feels, moves forward, turns MY pages, flows. ALL parts jabbering at me LOUDLY! Once again putting me in Grand Central Station, NY when all the 5:30 trains come in to take folks home, in fast motion.
Now you know what MY committee feels like in MY head!!
That craziness has mostly been a blur to me. I was aware of each train, that each one was going in a different direction, but the rushing, in almost a blur, people, all dressed in their black rain coats, made them seem all the same. Now I could see they weren't. And that indeed the trains, each of them, were beyond the people.
My voices were of ONE. But they were also of MANY. Of Me.
While taking a too hot bath, I screamed loudly inside my head. I was screaming "bloody murder" at those voices, telling them all to shut the F*K UP, NOW! Over and over and over again. I felt as crazy or more crazy then the folks I see every day talking out loud to themselves on the street. I felt beyond them. Tolle is right. Our self talk is just that; Insane!
Those insider yelling matches I think have now become my Epileptic seizures replacements. I think the bloating my body has been manifesting is of the same energy source.
You Are the only chairman of YOUR comittee!
I do feel like my NOW is or has been having a therapy session with my Ego-ic self. I was Shrink role playing with me. Bringing to me what he does bring to those exchanges. A strong acknowledgment that he's been listening to me all these years. Hearing me. Paying attention and remembering. Respectful and caring. And in my own self session, Loving.
I NEED from me, respect for my plight. I NEED me to understand that this has all been VERY real to me. And that it has been insane and a total way of finding my own boundaries and keeping myself safe, from mannerisms that hurt me or that I felt hurt by.
I NEED to know that I, Pieces, had the right to feel the way I did.
I NEED to know that I, Pieces had real feelings and I felt I really NEEDED to protect me.
Self Validation!!!! New shit!! Awesome... Go Pieces!!!
I feel like, if I KNOW NOW that I had all those rights then.....I'll KNOW NOW, I have much to stand for. And not dip back into the waste land of a "wasted life." Where everyone's life, including the one of my 6 year old niece, is "better than mine."
Your environmental programming..
Which is where this bought, ........... or cycle as you put it, all started from.
Bout do you mean? as in another 'round'?
I stood up for myself with Little-Star, and now I have been showing to myself the reasons I did that. And NEEDED to do it. And NEED to move thru it, and past it, and forward. Mainly that I must TAKE ME Seriously, because my life has been of a real person's life. Not a soul that could be seen-thru and not heard. REAL. Bones. Flesh. Blood. Really knowing all this, as fact, as my life... Really knowing all this, as fact, as my life as my own BEING... I can turn, MY PAGE.
Leaving me....can no longer be an option.
You are simply amazing! an far more wonderful.. but on to the end..
I love you.
And I you milove.
Pieces of Parts
P.S.
<
And ....>>
I wanted to make a point here.
I think my word bought, and cycle....and your word cycle.....isn't quite right here.
They aren't either one.
I get my nerves up to do something that I am scared of doing and I then crash. Or have been.
Nope. prolly not.
I don't think it has anything to do with my period/pms/premenopause - none of it. I bet if you asked Shrink how I have been dealing with my baby steps...we'd both find out, what I already know.....which is that I step outside myself, and then get scared and fall back down. Pick myself up in due time, and do it again.
Now-a-days I do a lot more that scares me. So the turn a rounds or what ever, are much more common.
And you are becoming used to what they feel like and know they will end. Because you've WORKED thru the others to date..
But Biker...again I say to you....and CC and Shrink both can tell you....it used to be, that I would come home from being with my folks, and be devastated! And it would take me 6 months to a year to get over and thru that ONE visit! Only to go through it again each time I went "home."
Got that clearly.
I want your heart to hear me, Biker. This has nothing to do with my pre-menopause!!!
Other things do. Yes, indeed they do. But NOT this.
This pattern is how I have been KEEPING MYSELF SAFE ALL MY LIFE!!!! PERIOD!!
Your love and support of me, is allowing me to face my most scariest of spaces. Period.
I was doing the VERY best I could do when you walked into the yarn shop that day. I had been doing ALL the work I had, alone. With no one on my side, loving me unconditionally.
I think I did pretty dam good!
You would not be where you are if you had not been then.
I now have people in my life that don't run away when I talk about the things that are important to me! JR and LF to only start with. They, like you, want me to talk, want me to call when I am not okay and when I am okay! All new and totally precious to me!
It IS fucking awesome aint it?
But I needed to feel "safe" in order to do this leg of my "recovery."
And I never have.
Everything I really know, is conditional.
I love you.
Pieces of Parts
I am not conditional. Neither is my love and support or that of your girlfriends.
You are not alone and wont be ever again I dare say. Not because of me, or anyone else, but because you have decided not to be and are acting upon that. I deeply admire you in your struggles and gain insight into myself and to you all the time.
I adore thee babes!
Be excellent, Call someone ya love! hint, hint..
Love ur not so oily biker boy.
Biker
P.S. Any suggestions on bike color? kinda stumped... leaning toward Grey.... for now but blue and purple been brought up. Nothing blowing my skirt up yet.
posted by Pieces Of Parts at Wednesday, April 27, 2005
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