A Conversation

SUBJECT: Legs

I meant to give you message from Max. Says the medical stockings he has been wearing are wonderful. The doctor sold them to him saying they would keep his leg from swelling. Put them on in the morning when not swollen and they keep the swelling down all day, particularly when seated. Max says they feel so good he'll keep wearing them (for running) even after he is completely healed. He loves the feeling of support. His go to his knees. He suggests that you give them a try in relation to your bloating. who knows, maybe he's right!
Kisses, MA

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Having on old button pushed:

Re: legs

"He suggests that you give them a try in relation to your bloating. who knows, maybe he's right!"


The thing I am doing with this man I've met, is actually changing the way my body works. Or how I have been working with my body. I am doing my part, while he is doing his.

The exercises he has me doing, stretch out how the bones and muscles that surround them, work or don't work together right. Or better yet, can help the actual problem which is causing the bloating, for example.

THAT is what I am interested in!

I've already tried doing something, tons of things about the bloating. But the problem with the bloating is a direct result of the disfunction that has been going on with my lower spine. I finally figured that out, and when I finally did, Bang! There was this man, working on just the right thing, for just the right kind of person. Someone willing to do their part in healing themselves. And having figured out much of what the problems were and were not.

This is not as easy as pulling a sock on, but the results are immediate. Odd and small and very light, but immediate. And if I do them right, I might not have to do them always, because real change has a possibility of really taking place.

I feel VERY blessed, and VERY much grateful at all my hard work at trying to find truths for myself, with my own natural Body troubles. With all the work I have done, I feel really humbled to find this man. A creative soul working on body parts, equal to the way I look at beads and stones while loving mosaic patterns.

I need nothing from no one, but me.
Thanks but no thanks.... I am finding my way!

I am glad the stocking is working for Dad!
Love to you both!
Pieces

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HER response:

Sounds wonderful and amazing. Nighters again. MA

***
CHOICE: I wrote to Pop, after feel'n the button pushed and the anger that came out. When it all was good, and deserved much respect and total NOW ...

Hi Pop,

Mom told me about your stocking, and your suggestion that I wear one as well.


I have been trying to figure out how to actually explain to you both, what I am doing with this man, Mr. BIG, I have met.

He is a certified chiropractor by trade. But within that field he as developed his own understanding of how the body works. And he has created exercises that are very different from what we all understand as being "stretching exercises," that offer real healing, in short amounts of time, if done right.

Each session, I have done two so far, is a combination of his chiropractic know-how and the exercises he has developed. Because of my needs, when we go over each one that I can do at home, we follow it on the page he's given me. Very helpful.

He knows the body, like you know Sculptor. He knows verbiage, which like yours, is a wonderful art form, but a bit hard for me to filter thru, especially within his written words. But I am trying, with help from everyone!

The self working exercises are like stretching ones, but there is a lot of very controlled movements and much self awareness that indeed "I have a body that is made up of bones and muscles." The stretching actions are as light as a feather moving across ones arm. NOTHING more! He states, that the way that folks normally think of doing a stretch, is actually more harmful to the muscle than helpful.
So there is a number of ways of thinking that must also change, in order to get the long term benefits he is saying can take place.

And also important, is NOT doing the exercises all the time. Only 5 to 10 a day, depending on which exercise, until real change begins to take place and then close to none, unless needed. But that going crazy and doing them all the time for the benefits, is harmful. And can cause other problems that are unwanted.

With this in mind, Mom told me that you are thinking about wearing your stocking when you go back to running, after you have completely healed. Maybe that is not such a good idea. From what Mr. BIG says, these things are to help the muscles get the support they need, in order to be able to be as they should. And that by doing too much, one can actually weaken and break what they do have, instead of offering the area support while it is healing.
Something to think about, I think.

Already started, I am sitting on a folded up washcloth, placed on the left butt cheek, close to my spine. (balancing my body, giving me hardly any lower back pain, while sitting) I am also wearing a heel lift on my left foot, which I am finding to also be helping my stride whenever I do walk, there is a little bounce, where there was total pain and the stopping of my walking movement. Just those two added things, are making a difference in my everyday comfort.
I am also wearing wrist and ankle wraps. Which are being worn to help support me. Until I put them on, I didn't realize how weak I actually had become in all four areas. With the leg and arm exercises I am to be doing, I am hoping for strength to return in all those areas.

So as you can read, this is a working relationship I am beginning with Mr. BIG. I have to do my part, along with him doing his, in order for real change to take place. I can't go overboard, but actually must do the total opposite from everything I have ever read and been taught how to do and think. And I need to understand what I am doing, because everyone is asking questions about either my appearance now, or the difference they already see in just my face's relaxed look, many have stated they have never seen me carry. Which just lets me know, how long I have been in pain.
Which makes me feel very sad and hurt. Hurt that I have been hurting. And that that hurt has been holding me back from enjoying my walks and my own life. For much of it.

He has also developed a way of walking, which seems to be more of the way I have been walking all of my life. It's kind of fun to know that I have been doing something which has been good. It was just everything else that was twisted up, that made my walking not work. So now I want to do what he is teaching me, in order to maybe finally gets some Body Peace. And do some nice healthy walking, anywhere in this world, even just down to the end of my block would be really wonderful!!!

As I get a better understanding of the exercises, I will share them with you.

I am finding my own way.

Thank you for loving me.
Love you very much too!
Pieces

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MA back to me, from Dad's mouth

Dear One: Max was DEEPLY moved by you letter and your description of Mr. BIG's ideas and your reactions to them. We both hope and pray that he helps you in a profound way. At the same time, IL was in tears to find out about all the pain you suffer and have been suffering for so long. I must add that he sees me lying in bed in the morning, every morning now, unable to move to get out of bed because of arthritic stiffness and pain. It frightens him. And now it frightens him terribly to hear of the pain you are already in, at your younger age. He, as always, sees into the future when, in effect it will be too late, and cries for your suffering. He feels so guilty about not allowing me to have a regular doctor when I was pregnant with you, about your difficult birth (for which he blames himself), about me not allowing you to be put in a brace as an infant when an elderly doctor advised it; that was my doing---I could not stand the thought of a baby in a brace. Etc. Etc. --now water under the bridge. The one thing that can be done, for Max even more than for you, is to let me make yet another appointment with an orthopedist, in a place we can all go together. Max must see with his own eyes and hear with his own ears before he knows anything and can relieve himself. He loves you very very much, and must take care of you. Please let him have this favor. Perhaps the doctor that operated on my should would be acceptable. Please consider it and let me know.
Love and kisses, MA

***
Then my Pop to me:

Subj: Love and pain

Dearest Pieces, I am writing in order to explain my feelings, and the
reasons I sometimes act the way I do. Most of it goes without saying, since you already know most of it, anyway, and I only want you to understand: first of all, how much I love, admire, and respect you---in this case, actually, more than you can possibly know. Above all, it hurts me to the bottom of my soul that you suffer and are in pain. I >cry for you, I worry about you all the time, especially at night when I cannot sleep thinking about you, and trying to figure out some way to help. When I do think of something, I tend to ask MA to speak to you about it, knowing in advance that you will probably say no, and even get angry, but hoping that maybe MA might have more success than I. In this case I was, and am, terribly disturbed that the pain is making it difficult for you even to walk---exercise and movement is crucial to life, without it you get stiffer and stiffer and more painful. Please

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In response:

Dear Dad, I felt your feelings in the letter that Mom wrote, for you. I understand your idea of having me see an orthopedist. I am afraid of one thing in a major way with doing that, and that is, that he or she is going to suggest surgery or even a brace, something drastic right off the bat. I have a few friends that are good nurses and they have told me that my feeling is very right. And so far, my own experience with doctors, has been much the same. What I worry most about, is that your want to help me, will guide you into wanting to jump that gun and push the idea of whatever they suggest upon me. And I am most frightened of that. You have done that with me time and time again. I find myself in this odd position with you, almost every time I open my mouth and share with you what ever is going on at the time. I just would really like some support for the choice I've made, rather than your idea being what takes precedence. Love you dearly.
Pieces

***

Subj: With love

Dearest Pieces,

First of all, I would be surprised if an orthopedist recommeneded
surgery or even a brace for you now. Those thngs work with young
people, children, before their bones are fully formed and hardened, as yours are. I believe we made a terrible mistake in not insisting when you were a baby that your wear a brace, as the famous man we saw then It would have been for two years. Other doctors said it was unnecessary, you were in the “normal” range. We were heart-broken at the thought, and you of course fought it like crazy. So we gave up trying. But let's face it, the first guy was surely right, and I am sure that had we insisted, you would not have had the troubles you have had over the years, and are having now.

So I do not think your fears are justified anyway, and I would only want to hear what such a specialist might have to say now. The main point for me is that, as I gather from you, the problem has been getting worse. I suppose this is a natural and probably inevitable consequence of aging. So if anything is to be done, the sooner the better---and after all, from what you yourself say, an orthopedist might well agree that simply following BIG is the best course!

In any case, I am certainly not saying you should stop seeing BIG (even if he were Chinese). He sounds like a real God-send. But I would feel much more confident, and able, to give you the kind of support you want (and surely deserve), if you saw an orthopedist than if you don’t.

***
CHOICE: KNOWING told me it was time to take another road. To let the old stay old. To use the new, that I knew NOW. To try Different. That it was time.

Subj: Re: With Love ( a meeting)

Dear Dad,

Yesterday afternoon I had a meeting with BIG. I had set this one up to go over the exercises he'd given me so far.

I told him that one of the things I had been doing, and enjoyed for some time now, was having a stretching routine in the morning, to help me start out my day. But that as of months ago, the stretching exercises I'd been doing, some of which had been given to me by other doctors, weren't really helping me anymore. And that now, I thought I would like to replace those exercises, with his. If he thought this would be okay, then I wanted to know which ones he would want me to do, and that I wanted to go over each one at this meeting. I also stressed to him, that one of the things that has been happening to me, is that it has been terribly hard for me to walk from my bed to pee in the morning, for months now. And that it felt like, that pain was moving with me thru out my days. And had only been getting worse as time has moved onward. I then demonstrated how I walked and how I felt when trying to walk, and what I felt my body was doing or not doing, in the mornings.

Upon seeing my movements and hearing the clarity of my pains, he immediately told me which exercises to do. He explained to me that we are always moving in bed. And that in my sleep, or in the positions I do while sleeping or trying to, I am doing the same problem movements. Then he demonstrated this to me.

He was absolutely right on. Both in his movements, and his understanding of what the body is doing and especially how I am feeling, while in each of the positions. It was utterly amazing to me to hear these thoughts and ideas coming out of another person, I was in tears. I do curl up like a baby, in order to stretch out my lower back. And then when that starts to hurt, I turn over on my tummy in order to stretch out my hamstrings. But then my lower back starts to hurt again, so I either go back to the baby position or I end up on my back in pain, everywhere. Many of my nights filled with me waking up while changing from one pain-filled position to another. And after a night filled with all of that same patterned movement, over and over again, I try to get up and pee, and everything hurts and feels totally locked up. With no relief, I can now see why my days and my walks during my days have been so hard to do. And where a lot of the bloating and swelling up of all my limbs could easily be coming from!
The stretches I've been doing for a few years now, aren't really helping me anymore. So I haven't really been doing them. So it's been just a vicious cycle, with me just getting worse and worse, period.


After all this became clear, to him and me both, he then made his suggestions on which exercises to do, for my hips and my thighs and my lower legs, to start with. And we went over most of them.

This morning when I woke up, I did three of the exercises we'd talked about yesterday. When I got up to go pee, NOTHING hurt in my hip area. My calf's hurt, but I had not done anything for them. I peed, and then went back to my bed and did just one of the exercises for my lower leg area. When I went to stretch out my ankle, I could, very easily! I then got back up again, and my entire lower body moved me across the room, all the way to the bathroom door with out a problem! And this, with only three of the exercises!

It was amazing! And real. And change, and now. And only the morning before had I walked to pee like I'd been for I don't know how long. But not on this one. And I will not tomorrow morning either!


As we continued on with this idea of mine in mind, he also was able to finally get it thru to me, that his exercises are actually to be used at any time, when discomfort is felt. and therefore as needed. And that the ones he wants me to do repeatedly each day, were being used to help teach my body's muscles how to work right. But that all of them, no matter when I do them, work to help my body unhinge and heal thru out the day.

Then he explained, that once those muscles heal, there might indeed be a time where a brace would be helpful, to further the support in the healing processes, or be the added support that his exercises can't repair. But that what he was doing with me, was to work on the muscles and get them working as should be, and then seeing what is needed at that point in time.

That is what I have been wanting to say to you. This is what I am actively doing. This is opposite from what the other doctors had suggested I do with them. I didn't think they were right, so I didn't do it. Not just because it scared me, but also and mainly because I didn't think that they were helping me to work on what the problem really was. That they seemed to me to be giving me a quick fix, rather than working on the real problem right off the bat. Mr. BIG is doing that. That is what he does, and how he views things. And that is what I have been wanting, and waiting to find someone to help me to do. To help me to finally, unhinge. For years now, this is exactly what I have wanted!

Mr. BIG says these aren't problems of aging, these are problems of things not working right, together. And that getting things to work better and more naturally now, can help to prevent problems in elderly life. He is totally convinced that it is not "old age" that happens to most folks, but the inability of what they do have, to work as it should be naturally.

The fact is that he hadn't designed his exercises to be used as I was saying I wanted to use them. But he really liked the idea a lot, and in front of me, was finding that they could actually be used in this manner as well. It ended up being a very eye opening experience for the both of us.

The reaction that my Body had today after such a different morning, even after only doing three exercises, was a feeling of exhaustion. I had some spotted cramping, and swelling like "usual," but I certainly could feel a difference. A beginning of the letting go of the locked positions. I did a bit more of the exercises during my day today, and I will do more tomorrow, and so on. Will do the same with my new morning routine as well. Bit by bit. There are a lot of exercises to be done, and as I learn them, they will not seem so overwhelming, or take up that much time either. And he is expecting more questions from me as I learn them, which feels wonderfully none pressured. I am very touched that he is so willing to re-explain them to me, with calm and compassion towards me, and for me, and taking me and my own findings about my own body so very seriously, and open to new ideas as well. Out of nowhere, he gave me a big and warm hug Good-bye yesterday. We both were very moved by each others feelings and understandings.

Just wanted to share with you some Good Morning news!
And another God-send of a meeting!!

Love you.
Pieces

***
Response:

Subj: Re: a meeting

One good thing is that we seem to be talking to eachother more openly and directly than ever, without anger and without blame. After all, we both want the same thing. I confess it is true that you are much more up on the situation than I realize---you have done the research, studied the possibilities, worked hard to find the best course, and even harder to make it work. All this is why I say I admire and respect you (probably more than you realize). It has required much thought, much determination, and God know, much pain (only God---no one else can really share or really understand your pain). And you must understand that only in these last days have I come to how much you have suffered and are continuing to suffer. And I simply cannot stop thinking and worrying about it. So you will simply have to think of me and my love as ust one more of your troubles!!
Please do not reassure me about age. My hearing is getting worse and worse, almost by the day. As time goes one, I will have to get stronger and stronger hearing aids, which will get less and less effective. My mother was almost completely deaf by the time she was 80, and that surely is going to happen to me. It is inevitable, and I (and the people I live with) will learn to live with it. But in my case, after all, it is only an annoyance, for others as for me. I am not in pain, and it does not prevent me from going about my business and keeping my body functioning. Nothing could make me happier than to hear that you are getting effective help and feeling better. But you should still face the music squarely, can the fear, and see an orthopedist, if only to shut your Old Man up! I hope you can at least give me a little credit for not talking about this for years. I repat, until now I did not realize how bad it has been, and that it has been getting worse.
Babo

***

Dearest Dad,

I do feel that we are both able to hear one another in written form. I have been just realizing that. I am also hoping that because we have been able to do this right now, we will help ourselves make it easier in person.

You have been unaware of the pains I have been in, in part, because I have not shared it with any of you. For many reasons, some of which I do not know, and some I do. But that is probably the reason I chose to write you the "Meeting" e-mail. It was my way of letting you know a bunch of things, all at once. I also felt comfortable expressing myself, because I had gotten such a comforting response from Mr. BIG.

With that said, I am also comforted by my own choices. They are very clear to me. I have done a lot of work on my self and I feel very confident that this is going to give me and is giving me, real help. Because I am feeling this way, even at this first level, I feel more comfortable about seeing an orthopedist.
I just really did not want to feel like I was going, without my own plight respected.

I see now, that I have that, from you and from me. I ask for nothing else.

I do not mean to belittle your bodies aging process. I only meant to share with you what Mr. BIG has been expressing to me about what folks called some "elderly" problems. In the same way that for years and years and years, everyone thought that when people get old they lose their minds. Instead it is now known to be a dis-ease that many people get, called Alzheimer.

The music has been faced for a much longer period of time than you think. The tunes have been playing, and the lyrics found their way to Mr. BIG. A visit with an orthopedist will be for you, as a back up guitarist in case the one in the band calls out sick.

I love you for being willing to try to talk to me, and to hear me. A pained place in my heart has just started to unhinge because of it.

Thank you.
I love you.
Pieces

***
His response:


Back to work, for both of us! Let's keep it going. Tanti baci.