Realizations of Mirrored Sisters

Subject: Realizations


Dearest Dearest JR,


I realized just this morning what is in fact going on.


My letting go of the part of me I have always seen as being Dependent on my folks and within myself, towards others, including things.


I woke up in a state this morning. And once again, thought of calling Biker and asking him to come here and help me thru all this "stuff."
But each time I do that, I feel suffocated.
That feeling came over me again, but this time I made myself look at it.


What was the suffocation? What did it mean?


My reaction to those questions was that I didn't want to be another one of his damsels in distress. And that to ask him to come up here, would warrant me needing to be FIXED. And I would not be having him here for me alone. The entire entity of having him here, would be to help me fix me. I can't knowingly invite that in now.
It is not apart of having a really healthy relationship. Somewhere at some time, asking for help when wanted from a man in my life will show it's self to me. But it's not clear to me right now, and therefore I don't think it is really there, yet.


So what came of that, was that I see now I am in the throws of walking thru my own outer-dependency and into learning how to let go of things I have always clung to - feeling dependent on or with. And yes also, taking what's offered to me as help, real help, such as you with your car. Taking it in, letting it out.


I didn't totally realize the significance of being ready to deal head on with my Body way of living it's life, and finding Dr. Yung with his answers. But it is one and the same. Body is in the process of painfully letting go of old habits to form a new way of working in this particular lifetime. And so it is time for all other things I have been clinging to, to be worked on too.


There is one main reason I haven't really started up my relationship with my Sister yet. And that is in the past, she has been scared by my clinging to her. And she made me scared of it as well. I can not have a relationship with her as long as I am that. Or even have the tendency to do it. I have to be more aware of what I am doing, like biting my tongue with my folks and Biker and whom ever. The work to be more healthy from being clingie must be in it's progress for real and not an idea of being in my future - in my thoughts about the future!


Everyone. EVERYONE, I know has bought a 2nd car. I can ask everyone I know for support thru this transition.


I am already finding ways that will benefit me in having a laptop. Main one is be free, in experiencing being out of my apartment and doing my art work. You saw, I've been working on it since we spoke about it Saturday night.


I see all these as stepping stones to all other choices I've been putting off for years now. I have so been doing this pattern all my life. And it has caused me much sorrow and isolation.


I kept a computer with a bad, unfixable mother board, for 7 years because I couldn't let go of the idea that I had made a bad choice. I was totally identified with it. Ego. You are not good enough. You made a bad choice. Clinging to that with all my might. My beliefs about myself.


Over and over again I have made such choices. In different forms but the same inner core feeling.


I already see, JR, the bigger picture.


OMG it is BIG TOO!


I do feel that I will be pushing myself hard, to find all the good that is going on around me right now. I feel desperate. In that I so easily could find reasons to fall apart and back into old safe places. But they just don't really work anymore, and so the only way to go is PRESENT.




OH oh oh they just called!


The brake ignition coil is cracked - But Ed looked my file up and found that the same thing happened last year in Sept. And soooo.... he teased with me.... but in the end IT IS UNDER WARRANTY!!!!!! OMG!!!! OMG!!!! I don't have to pay for it!!!!


Since I don't have to pay for it, he brought up a few other things that need tending to.


Muffler has a hole in it. I reminded him that they changed that too, and did he think the warranty they told me about it coming with, also was still good?


He called back just now to tell me.... teasing me all the way.... that the warranty was only good for 3 years. But then he talked to the guy there, he said he put pressure on him... like in a mod guy kind of voice! lol.... telling him that I was a really good customer and could he do something for that fact.... so SO SO SO.... he gave the muffler to C.C.Car at cost! And they are going to give it to me at COST!!!
That's from $325.00 to to to to to $175.00!!!!


Sooooo he asked if I wanted to take care of the other two items, which are... 2 new tires and 2 new wiper blades!


DUH!


I just CAN'T believe all this!!!


I did a lot better than in the past JR. I did do a number on me, but I did it a LOT less than in the past, even the recent past!


I think I really need to make all those guys at C.C.Care Noro Hats!!!
They have really been wonderful teachers and totally supportive of me all these years!!


I am so freaking blessed.


I love you dearly JR.
Thank you so much for your honesty, it really really really helps me!


They said the car will be ready around 3:00! Unfreaking believable!!!




"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi So totally Right On!


Gonna go eat something. Of course that habit stepped right on in this morning.

Wow oh wow wow wow!!

Love you,
Talk to you soon soon!
Pieces of Parts

PS Oh oh oh and I got an e-mail back from Mo's step-mom.... her name is V. .... she still has the manual knitting machine. I think she love to have me come up there to get it. She's says it's not worth shipping. Road Trip?? You come with, we could probably spend the night there and then head back the next day or at least after a good knitting machine lesson?! Took me about 7 hours to drive up there the last two times. I took 83 to 81. It is a gorgeous way to go!!! Totally avoiding X completely. Passing little towns and trees and going into mountains. So so so Yummie!!!



Response....


Subject: Re: Realizations


OH PIECES!!!!

What a wonderful wonderful wonderful wonderful WONDERFUL EMAIL this is!!!!! My heart is totally swollen up HUGE, I am getting a BIG transfer of energy from all that you are RELEASING! I swear to god that joy just RADIATES from your email, BIG TIME!!!!

Hear that? You are BIG TIME! :D You are Self/spiritually/emotionally growing and growing, seeing and BEING, doing ALL THAT GOOD but HARD stuff too! HURRAH on your realizations with Biker, on how you view yourself in regards to your sister, on your car, on the big paychecks from the universe/force/whatever with the car and the knitting machine and EVERYTHING!!!!

It is such a privilege to know you and to SEE you DO THIS STUFF!!!!!!!

For the record, I think you have done a fine job of eradicating the "neediness" thing- we all have some levels of it, it is part of being human, but it does not rule you. I have some thoughts on the sister thing, based on what you've said and because I know we mirror each other with our sisters. It occurred to me today that my entire Relationship model is based on silent conflict (my mom and dad) and that one of the reasons I Take Care of my sister is because SOMEONE had to take care of us- and my model of Care is of passive-aggressive, unhappy, uncommunicative, silent and unacknowledged conflict.

All that to say, the Family is the hardest. Shrinkness always tells me that they are the root of it, the original template, so to bring forth change in the Family is a major, major step in creating the life we want (as opposed to following the same template, outline, expectations, etc that we've been given). I think you're already past it in the Here and Now. It's just a lot harder to really DO with the family, eh?

Okay, I am rambling. I think the coffee at the CTCafe wasn't really Decaf- i got zero sleep last night and am slap happy. So sorry if this email doesn't make sense!

Hugs to you, Pieces!

JR

PS. YES! A trip up North sounds oh-so-lovely!!!! And I think I'll have some time in Sept to do it! HURRAH!!!

Fully Found Piece Of Self

5% is Crazy, need to Fix-It

A deep and a truly profound pattern showed it's self to me just now. I've been working to find the answer to one question, for a few years now. Why do I go Crazy? I felt her wrath once again just now. She almost completely took me over, like so many times before.


Solution:

"When a man is stressed he will withdraw into the cave of his mind and focus on solving a problem. He generally picks the most urgent problem or the most difficult. he becomes so focused on solving this one problem that he temporarily loses awareness of everything else. Other problems and responsibilities fade into the background.

At such times, he becomes increasingly distant, forgetful, unresponsive, and preoccupied in his relationships. For example, when having a conversation with him at home, it seems as if only 5 percent of his mind is available for the relationship while the other 95 percent is still at work.

His full awareness is not present because he is mulling over his problem, hoping to find a solution. the more stressed he is the more gripped by the problem he will be. At such times he is incapable of giving a woman the attention and feeling that she normally receives and certainly deserves. His mind is preoccupied, and he is powerless to release it. If however, he can find a solution, instantly he will feel much better and come out of his cave; suddenly he is available for being in a relationship again."

Page: #28

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex by John Gary


Feelings:

Finally KNOWING saw what "Crazy" has been all along. during this reoccurrence of the pattern. She has been the sudden fear of having only 5% of the man in her life. At this particular time in space, I didn't even have the 5%. I had none.

But only 5% of person with me, is very close to the line of then feeling abandoned. And that is where I found myself swirling in almost all of a sudden. It was god awful! Too scary and heart breaking for words!

This 5% to abandonment is what I know. It IS what I feel I grew up with. Both are the reasons I found safety in isolation, in my made up worlds where chairs and tables and trees spoke to me. Where fairies hid behind flower petals. And if I looked close enough I could see them, and the dust as it fell off their wings, and powdered my nose.

I have been able to live alone for 20 years, cause I had "company" with me. Living in my past, and dreaming of what my future could hold, based solely on the past old feelings I felt I HAD to endure. Until not too long ago. And not much more since I practice NOW.

Not only do I feel I was abandoned just now. But KNOWING saw the truth, I have been also abandoning my own self all these many years. Even WAY before I moved out of my parents house. So the 5% is also coming from me to me. Outside pattern learned. Brought to the inside. Taken back outside and the basic make up of my created world, in another state and city. And why not? It is after all, all I knew and found to know, and the pattern I have been carrying with me.

So some part of me had moved forward and was creating something new for myself, more of what I wanted, what I have been doing much of my inner work for - a healthy moving forward relationship with a man. Suddenly, out of nowhere, or so it seemed at the time, I was pushed out and dropped back, far back into my past. Not just my past men situations, but into my small childhood past, and her man, her God... her Father.

I was able just now, to LOOK and finally feel a guiding entity of a child's feeling of being abandoned, and being given the 5% to hang out with. I knew nothing else. So that is what I knew, and assumed was "good enough" for me. And that is where I have remained.

I was thrown, or rather I through myself, all the way back in time, when I felt crazy for having such feelings as NEEDING support, and feeling much loneliness that seemed destined to be my constant companion and the "love" of my life.
And what I have perceived to be my illnesses of, addictive behavior, and my outer dependence.

I feel abandoned. I feel very lonely, I always have. I feel rather non-supported. And very much in need to feel safe. Even if it has come to me by way of a Pained Body, or the numbing of my needs and wants, and feelings, including my breaths, all leading me into the safety of isolation.

I haven't really wanted to be there, in that deeply lonely place. I have had feelings of excitement and then pure dread and gloom. And that everyone else gets to have a life, but me. Safe me.
All was better than really feeling the abandonment that seems might have plagued my everyday life. All of it far better than my NOWs of then.

Foundation:

Biker has a BIG CAVE. My Father a BIG FIX IT hat. Both men leave me feeling very lonely. Nothing new. Most of the men I have been attracted to, are of course the reflection of the main "GOD," my Father. I have been seeing my Father totally as that 5% man with much abandonments thrown in the mix. Many, upon thousands of times, just as I am sure it happened the first time, when I attempted to open myself up to him. Voice an opinion, tell him how I felt, even at the age of 2 or 3. Got his Mr. Fix-It, his eyes not present, his mind not with me, his ears not hearing me, his person not really being there with me - his 5% presence. He deemed that good enough. And seemingly always has.

So Crazy comes up when something happens that hurts. When something comes up that allows her to feel abandoned. When she is made not to speak, to avoid the fight, the angered feelings, the feeling made further worse by the storming of a loved one walking out the door in a rampage, cause an opinion was shared. She is Crazy cause she's allowed to say nothing, but hold her breath, gulp the feelings down deep inside. Carry them. Maintain them. Deal with them. Make herself sick with them.

And that is what I have always been, Sick and Crazy and Alone. And kept Alone, to be kept Safe. At all costs!

Problem:

My Biker wasn't with me during this time of first e-mailings with my Father. He'd been gone-gone, for close to two weeks, in his BIG CAVE. I felt like I'd been dropped like a hot potato. After almost six months of not seeing him, but being supported and communicated with almost every day, and then only two weeks with me, and not much of him was with me, while with me. And then on his way again. I felt very alone while making the scary exchanges. It had been a long time since I'd felt that old "familiar" deep loneliness and un-supported-ness. I got very scared. It brought back to me years of utter isolation, and depression.
It also felt different too. Something within it had changed since the last time I really felt it (ThatGirl). This time it seemed more gut like. More at it's foundation. More raw.

I have let Biker in. i had been very hurt for many years, and there was a powerful shield that surrounded me. He had to work hard at it, and although our relationship is very non-conventional, it has allowed me, a semi-safe place to LOOK at my patterns with men, and their connection towards my interpretation of my relationship with my Father.
The quote above, from the insightful book by John Gary, totally speaks to my very hurt little girl deep within me, right now. I think she has been my "Crazy" state of mind. Someone having felt a lot of feelings that had no words to express herself with, and as time went on those same feelings created "crazy" feeling feelings. Energy kept within, rather than shared and then had a chance to be let go. Instead they festered, and helped to further the shield of isolation. She had been "taught" that her feelings didn't really count or matter. So she dealt with them as best as she could, and it turned into a silent but loud "Crazy."

Having to do with nothing but not wanting to feel abandoned, yet again. Especially after having expressed feelings from a very scared and hurt little self.

Fare to him:

I knew what Biker was facing in this particular BIG GRAND CAVE. Even though he shut me out. I knew it while facing my Crazy. I understood that he had nothing to give me, because he needed everything he had to heal his own very hurt 14 self.

We are real major mirrors for one another. We have both taken each other into very seriously hurt spaces. We are both helping to healing ourselves, and each other. I can't see our future. I just know that for now, he is in my NOW.

Pieces of Parts

HIM: Your Girls

I know what you are doing down there.

You are gathering up everything you just learned from MS.

You didn't talk about it with me, but I knew. I knew long ago, that RoadNoRun was some part of your "DAD" and his wife some parts of your Mother. And in general your upbringing.

I knew when I met you in Hag-town, I was meeting a Biker that had grown up in that environment. I knew you had relived your childhood.

When at the restaurant, you called Ms.M., you didn't see how you were with her. I did. It had become your norm with her, or she was like your past women and all of that was what you dealt with long ago. And you needed your Worrier when you were 14, to get the hell out of your hell.
I was meeting that boy. That BIG boy, in a man's sized body.

And as much as I knew you had forgotten about me, YOU HAD TO, in order to relive your old life, your upbringing.

You allowed me to be witness to your boy pains.

I know what you are doing down there now. You are healing. And getting ready to give all that you have learned and all that you need to find, to give all you have to the only two woman that are yours. Your daughters.

I don't think that me dealing head on with my Dad, is very different from what you will be doing soon, up north.

I am a daughter. And I would like my Father to do his work. So that we can have something I can finally call my own, with him.

I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING DOWN THERE!!

I do NOT mean to be sounding selfish. For I would in one moment step aside for the good of your daughters.

You need to give everything you have ever learned how to do. Everything you have now felt for just your own first times. Everything you have been witness to. And Everything you have chosen to do, choices made, lost friends by them choices. All of it, you will bring to the table, to your daughters.

You need to forget me again, in order to take it all in. Feel every inch of all that pain. Work it all out, and open it up, and not worry of me, cause you know I'm taking care.

I don't mean to sound petty or selfish. I'm in a scary place with my Dad, but I am bringing it on me. I am choosing to bring it on me!!!!!

I just am Woman. Going thru my own growing pains.

But no matter...

I KNOW, BEEN KNOWING, WHAT you are doing down there!

I am no fool.


I KNOW.

And I adore you for going into all these dark places. You have my utmost respect.
With or without me. I don't matter, in the short term.
Your girls totally and completely do!

what a mirror!

Love you!
Pieces of Parts


You are SO fucking missed!

***
Weeks later:

You are so wonderful! I cannot ever begin to deserve you in my life. you are most precious to me.
I so love you and feel the same.
Biker

Abandoned Pieces

I called to talk to you and got Moon Mamma.

We spoke and she let me know how good or not so good she's been doing. She told me about Small Moon.
I gave support.

She made a comment to me about the fact that you weren't hooked on using your computer all the time now. She said it with attitude, as if to tell me that she'd gotten you to stop using it, as an end to an addictive behavior. Although, sometimes it has seemed that way to me as well, I told her it was also important that you wrote.

To that comment she humphed.

My own interpretation of that exchange was that she thought whatever you were doing with the computer, writing your stories and what not, was junk, crap, not worth her own spit.

I didn't have the wherewithal to know what my feelings were at that moment, beyond my own feelings of the importance of the written feeling, which I shared with her, to say anything else to her. She did make it sound as if she'd put you in the space you are in, with not having gotten online to check your mail, from what seems like forever. And that by doing so, your support for and of me has been lost.

I know you have called a few times, but they were both pretty short. They do count, for sure.

I was taken aback by her mode.
Nothing to be done really. You aren't keeping in contact with me now. Even though you are aware that something has been going on, and that I have shared it with you via e-mail's, cause I told you. That fact in and of it's self don't make me feel to good. Not very loved. More like left in the dust, forgotten ... again. Or you in your cave, again as well.
I am just writing to share. Maybe I should stop. I don't know.

I do know that I have been scared and doing my best at dealing head on with some life long shit, that had to be faced at one time or another. And I am choosing to do it while both my folks are still alive. Because that was the goal, when I was 17. Didn't think it would take me this long. But oh well, it did.

I've done a good job of pushing you away in my mind, or my Mind has done a good job of pushing you away and making me feel as I did before we met. But I am dealing head on with my Dad. Very scary. And like you and your kids, I've been going in the opposite direction to find comfort and step-Dad's, like you with step-kids.

My gut is telling me that we are in the same space right now. You don't have anything to give to me, nor I to you. Except I guess I do, since I have been writing to you. And I am not going to pull any of them back out of your mail box, you'll get these, all of them. And you have called, even if short.

I've decided I will continue to write you with the spirit that I know is between us. That thing.

Had a good session with Shrink. But got totally overwhelmed in the heat. Just chill'n now.


Goodnight.
Love,
Pieces of Parts

ps: If I hadn't been as overwhelmed by the heat, when I was talking to Moon Mamma, I would have told her, or reminded her that you don't have a phone. And that one of the major ways that you and I keep in touch, while you are on the road, is via the computer. That there is a practical use for it.
I got the feeling she was talking about her own addictive behavior towards the computer, really. And never mind that you happen to have a life connected to another soul. Or is it? Maybe your now taking care of Small Moon, her daughter, and now you have another family to take care of.
Well, by golly, it could make some more sense couldn't it!?!
Fuck.


***
Weeks Later:

keep writing baby. I pay attention and I do care. you are right about many things. perhaps I AM a bit too like your father, but then again that is what you would look for naturally right?
I love you regardless.

Three Pieces of Spirit

Today was emotional.

When I woke up this AM, I knew I would find an e-mail from my Dad. I sent you a copy of it, along with a copy of what I sent to him in response. I of course couldn't eat and didn't. Had some yogurt but that was about it.

You called me while I was heading over to BIG Yung's, so he could give me some time and show me the exercises, again. When I got there, he was just finishing up with Poet.

It ended up being the three of us, with Poet cooling out after the session, and BIG Yung focusing on me and my questions. The day before, when all the stuff had started up with my parents, I'd called Big Yung in tears almost, leaving a message that I was having much trouble getting the information in and was unhappy at feeling overwhelmed and therefor unable to do my part in our exchange.

For the major part of this meeting, we all sat out back on the porch, in the sun. Not really a good idea for me, I've been paying for that time all evening.
But nevertheless, it was of some comfort to have Poet there, even if he was a bit out of it at that time. Later he told me that he got quite a bit out of, because he was so calm, he could hear more clearly.

I told Big Yung that what seemed to be coming thru for me, is that I have been enjoying doing my stretches in the AM. Like you saw me do. That over the years that has really helped me be more mentally stable on the days that I do that. And that I wanted to have something like that, but doing his exercises. As he thought about it, in the end he really liked the idea. That journey was very apparent to both me and Poet.

But what also became very clear to me, was that these exercises are to be done whenever, like as a self-monitoring way of living ones life. Because we move and use out bodies all day and night, these exercises can be done thru out the day, whenever we feel something feels not right.
Suddenly I felt a real shift inside me. And I also felt the part of me that I got from my Dad - Quick Fix It, come forward.

As much as I am pushing my father back, pushing his Quick Fixer upper person within him, here is mine. She too wants a quick fix! But this is not it. KNOWING knew this. But old pattern did not. Old pattern used to try everything new, jump from one thing to another, just like her Father. But she changed all that, made herself slow down and not be fooled around with the charms of new things. But that was a time when I had the double edge sward going that I knew nothing about. i.e. bad meds with depressive side effects. Nevertheless, something was learned from that. I felt it today.

BIG Yung was very interested in the idea of having a morning routine. I think it helped him see how acting them out at that time, could really be of help in the "real world" use of his invention.

When we were done, as done as I was for that time. I told him I couldn't take in anymore right then. And that I knew I would have more questions after I'd tried to do the ones we went over on my own. He asked me how I was doing right now. Tight I told him, but that I also had not been doing my part and wanted to try doing them, before meeting up again, to see what they could do for me, since I was a bit more clear on things. Big Yung had a funny look on his face, that I guess Poet picked up on to, but then out of Poet's mouth came a sweet comment to Big Yung, about wasn't it nice to have such an awake and participating client. Which seemed to be what had crossed Big Yung's mind. And it just brought that entire thing at that moment together.

The men shook hands when we were getting ready to part, and out of no where, Big Yung gave me a long endearing hug. I told Poet later on, that I thought he did that because of my phone call and honesty.
I was moved by what I'd shared with him on the phone message as well. Which was the fact that I had been that honest with someone I'd just met. And that I did it, only after I had tried to understand what I was reading. Had done my best, at that time to ask for help, and just wasn't getting it, so I went to the only person left.

After that, Poet and I left we went to have lunch.

I've been mad at Poet since after I came back from Big Yung the first time. I was mad at him and you on the same day. I found you both to be ALL ABOUT YOU, while I was in much pain.
I had tried to ask Poet for help with learning the exercises and had felt that he was totally uninterested, and that only added to my feelings of loneliness and confusion.
I told him all of this.

His response was that he felt my pain and felt uncomfortable at trying to help me with Big Yung's exercises. He didn't want to make mistakes that would lead me to have and be in more pain. And since he isn't good at saying No, he just pulled back, and what felt to me like, out.

My need for help. My feelings of fear at what I am walking thru right now. The pain of untwisting my body parts. The energy flowing from it happening. My needing now to deal with my folks and ALL that it is made up of, old past haunts, hurts, pushing, not good enough, etc..... are all hitting me at once. Along with my own new ability to stand up for myself towards them, you, Poet (any friends), the "doctor" I am working with, whom ever - has me feeling all sorts of things, on all sorts of levels.

When Poet and I parted, we hugged each other, and I could feel my loneliness at wanting someone close, on my side, to be here with me during this time. And there is no one here, but me.

So I feel a few things. I really understand another level of what Shrink has been teaching me. I really do have to be 100% my own person. And what the other person gets to be, is the support for that 100% person. I felt where that healthy role could be placed today.
But I also feel a part of Pieces that you felt when we first met. The one that was shielded in order to keep her safe and take care of her the best way I knew how to do.
I don't know what this means, with someone in my life, but I have been feeling more and more on my own. I am looking at our relationship differently today, then before. And I am looking at me differently as well.

The day I felt that it was ALL ABOUT YOU and Poet too, pushed me into looking at another set of patterns. The main one being, that on that day, I thought I was clear to the both of you, that I was in much pain. Apparently I was not. Poet agreed that I was not. He's been looking at it, and felt horrible that he'd kept rambling on about himself. But that he also could see where I had not been forceful about how I was feeling either. Which feels "right" to me now, but didn't then.

Either way, I am finding myself NEEDING, NOW, to be very loud and very clear.... with Loving thrown into the mix, with my Father. It does seem to be working, so far. He has not responded to this mornings e-mail yet. Since this is new territory for me, for us, I have no idea what to expect. Old Pieces does. Old Pieces is expecting to fight him off, so he doesn't try more ways of getting control over this. But I am trying not to let that old part of me Take over Me and gain control either!

This is all I know for now.

My back hurts and I just used up what energy I had left.


Mac-Guru is out of the hospital. He had surgery on Tuesday. They took something out of his hip and put it into his shoulder. It's his left arm. Which he is not allowed to use. He is right handed, thank goodness!

Good Nighters. Or Good Morning. Or Good Afternoon. Which ever the case may be when you read this.

Lovies,
Pieces of Parts

P.S. Since Poet was there today, and got a lot out of the information Big Yung was showing and sharing with me, and because Big Yung suggested that he might do a few of the exercises himself, when we parted after lunch, he offered to help me with them.

CD #3

Dearest Biker,


THE PAIN Body....got me good the other night while we were on the phone.

After I got off the phone, I just couldn't imagine who you'd been talking to. Who was that woman, that person, coming out of me.

She was my hurt Pieces. She was also my scared Pieces. I'm not going to say she was my old Pieces.... she just was - is, Pieces.

Suddenly it hit me this afternoon that I needed to listen to CD 3 of Tolle. That I hadn't really listened to that one in a really long time. I had almost learned it by heart when you were seeing ThatGirl, and we were in that stage of your journey. And I in mine.

I am going to tell you now, what you have told me, many times. I just had nothing to give you when you called. I have been needing to once again take full care of me. Total full care. Not the kind of care that was shared by someone saying they were here for me. But the total care for myself I had been giving me before you ever stepped foot into my life. Solid Pieces Power.

The one that hasn't let anyone in, cause it would hurt if I did.


I can hear your voice now. Calling me to get support, to talk about your time down there, and I cut you off. I can hear me between the lines, telling you I had nothing to give you, cause I had been needing every inch of it for myself.

I tried to call Moon Mamma's tonight, to share this with you, but the phone has been busy, none stop.
I tried in spirit to contact you. But I realize now, I've been pushing myself away from you, since just before the ALL ABOUT YOU e-mail.

I guess I needed everything. Including all that I give to you. I still feel like I need all of that. I might not. But I don't know.

I am not going to make any decisions about US, at this point. I don't trust these feelings. I think a bunch of them are old, and I am seeing a lot from your last "visit" here with me. A LOT is being mirrored to me, I am getting a TON of information coming at me. Some in the form of VERY old questions, that I am remembering as having come to me, when I first started my walk to waking up. Many others are coming to me as OMG, THAT is what THAT has been all this time!

Meeting Gypsy, while my Dad was worried if he would ever run again, made me aware that it was time to face my Dad. C.C. has moved over, cause he has wrapped himself up in his own fears and poor Beauty is pretty overwhelmed by his fears and clinging. But I think his fatherly hand, has lifted from mine. He has taught me much about my father in these past 20 years.

And right now, all that I am upset with you about, is totally parallel to my true angry feelings towards my Father. I have chosen to be with you. To have you in my life as you have been. But the ways in which you are in my life now, are the same as my Father ways.
I am feeling much parallels from every which way. And need me to keep in toe, so the answers can come to me, and I can finally listen, so I can finally choose what it is that I want, vs. what I thought I had to have, and only deserved to have, because I wasn't ever GOOD ENOUGH.

I don't' know what I am trying to say to you here. I can't let go. I need me right now.

Just like I can feel, you are needing you. That is why you have not been online, and I have not heard from you, not really. And why you ran out of money, and I couldn't offer you anything.

We are in the same space.
We both need to be where we are.
It's what all the hard times, and the work has been for.


I am here.

I just can't give any away right now.

And don't wanna feel needie and clingie either. Or too open or too closed. Wanna leave and wanna stay.

None of those choices will be made.

Just too many mirrors coming my way.

Talk to you when we talk.

I do love you, old Pieces was scared and I am mad at you mode while I on the phone. I can't mend everything right now. Please just know that in reality, my love for you does not stop when I can't tell you the same thing back. I'm trying to work on that too. But it's rough, when I am scared and hurt and feel like I really need to be strong and don't know how to do that when I say I love someone. Part of the same habit of pushing my family away in order to get and have boundaries.

Oh god there is just too fucking much to look at!
I am an open book with too many pages that need to be written and so many that need to be tossed out!

Doing my best. Honest.

Pieces of Parts

***
Weeks Later:

I absolutely understand.
I love you always.
Biker