CD #3
Dearest Biker,
THE PAIN Body....got me good the other night while we were on the phone.
After I got off the phone, I just couldn't imagine who you'd been talking to. Who was that woman, that person, coming out of me.
She was my hurt Pieces. She was also my scared Pieces. I'm not going to say she was my old Pieces.... she just was - is, Pieces.
Suddenly it hit me this afternoon that I needed to listen to CD 3 of Tolle. That I hadn't really listened to that one in a really long time. I had almost learned it by heart when you were seeing ThatGirl, and we were in that stage of your journey. And I in mine.
I am going to tell you now, what you have told me, many times. I just had nothing to give you when you called. I have been needing to once again take full care of me. Total full care. Not the kind of care that was shared by someone saying they were here for me. But the total care for myself I had been giving me before you ever stepped foot into my life. Solid Pieces Power.
The one that hasn't let anyone in, cause it would hurt if I did.
I can hear your voice now. Calling me to get support, to talk about your time down there, and I cut you off. I can hear me between the lines, telling you I had nothing to give you, cause I had been needing every inch of it for myself.
I tried to call Moon Mamma's tonight, to share this with you, but the phone has been busy, none stop.
I tried in spirit to contact you. But I realize now, I've been pushing myself away from you, since just before the ALL ABOUT YOU e-mail.
I guess I needed everything. Including all that I give to you. I still feel like I need all of that. I might not. But I don't know.
I am not going to make any decisions about US, at this point. I don't trust these feelings. I think a bunch of them are old, and I am seeing a lot from your last "visit" here with me. A LOT is being mirrored to me, I am getting a TON of information coming at me. Some in the form of VERY old questions, that I am remembering as having come to me, when I first started my walk to waking up. Many others are coming to me as OMG, THAT is what THAT has been all this time!
Meeting Gypsy, while my Dad was worried if he would ever run again, made me aware that it was time to face my Dad. C.C. has moved over, cause he has wrapped himself up in his own fears and poor Beauty is pretty overwhelmed by his fears and clinging. But I think his fatherly hand, has lifted from mine. He has taught me much about my father in these past 20 years.
And right now, all that I am upset with you about, is totally parallel to my true angry feelings towards my Father. I have chosen to be with you. To have you in my life as you have been. But the ways in which you are in my life now, are the same as my Father ways.
I am feeling much parallels from every which way. And need me to keep in toe, so the answers can come to me, and I can finally listen, so I can finally choose what it is that I want, vs. what I thought I had to have, and only deserved to have, because I wasn't ever GOOD ENOUGH.
I don't' know what I am trying to say to you here. I can't let go. I need me right now.
Just like I can feel, you are needing you. That is why you have not been online, and I have not heard from you, not really. And why you ran out of money, and I couldn't offer you anything.
We are in the same space.
We both need to be where we are.
It's what all the hard times, and the work has been for.
I am here.
I just can't give any away right now.
And don't wanna feel needie and clingie either. Or too open or too closed. Wanna leave and wanna stay.
None of those choices will be made.
Just too many mirrors coming my way.
Talk to you when we talk.
I do love you, old Pieces was scared and I am mad at you mode while I on the phone. I can't mend everything right now. Please just know that in reality, my love for you does not stop when I can't tell you the same thing back. I'm trying to work on that too. But it's rough, when I am scared and hurt and feel like I really need to be strong and don't know how to do that when I say I love someone. Part of the same habit of pushing my family away in order to get and have boundaries.
Oh god there is just too fucking much to look at!
I am an open book with too many pages that need to be written and so many that need to be tossed out!
Doing my best. Honest.
Pieces of Parts
***
Weeks Later:
I absolutely understand.
I love you always.
Biker
THE PAIN Body....got me good the other night while we were on the phone.
After I got off the phone, I just couldn't imagine who you'd been talking to. Who was that woman, that person, coming out of me.
She was my hurt Pieces. She was also my scared Pieces. I'm not going to say she was my old Pieces.... she just was - is, Pieces.
Suddenly it hit me this afternoon that I needed to listen to CD 3 of Tolle. That I hadn't really listened to that one in a really long time. I had almost learned it by heart when you were seeing ThatGirl, and we were in that stage of your journey. And I in mine.
I am going to tell you now, what you have told me, many times. I just had nothing to give you when you called. I have been needing to once again take full care of me. Total full care. Not the kind of care that was shared by someone saying they were here for me. But the total care for myself I had been giving me before you ever stepped foot into my life. Solid Pieces Power.
The one that hasn't let anyone in, cause it would hurt if I did.
I can hear your voice now. Calling me to get support, to talk about your time down there, and I cut you off. I can hear me between the lines, telling you I had nothing to give you, cause I had been needing every inch of it for myself.
I tried to call Moon Mamma's tonight, to share this with you, but the phone has been busy, none stop.
I tried in spirit to contact you. But I realize now, I've been pushing myself away from you, since just before the ALL ABOUT YOU e-mail.
I guess I needed everything. Including all that I give to you. I still feel like I need all of that. I might not. But I don't know.
I am not going to make any decisions about US, at this point. I don't trust these feelings. I think a bunch of them are old, and I am seeing a lot from your last "visit" here with me. A LOT is being mirrored to me, I am getting a TON of information coming at me. Some in the form of VERY old questions, that I am remembering as having come to me, when I first started my walk to waking up. Many others are coming to me as OMG, THAT is what THAT has been all this time!
Meeting Gypsy, while my Dad was worried if he would ever run again, made me aware that it was time to face my Dad. C.C. has moved over, cause he has wrapped himself up in his own fears and poor Beauty is pretty overwhelmed by his fears and clinging. But I think his fatherly hand, has lifted from mine. He has taught me much about my father in these past 20 years.
And right now, all that I am upset with you about, is totally parallel to my true angry feelings towards my Father. I have chosen to be with you. To have you in my life as you have been. But the ways in which you are in my life now, are the same as my Father ways.
I am feeling much parallels from every which way. And need me to keep in toe, so the answers can come to me, and I can finally listen, so I can finally choose what it is that I want, vs. what I thought I had to have, and only deserved to have, because I wasn't ever GOOD ENOUGH.
I don't' know what I am trying to say to you here. I can't let go. I need me right now.
Just like I can feel, you are needing you. That is why you have not been online, and I have not heard from you, not really. And why you ran out of money, and I couldn't offer you anything.
We are in the same space.
We both need to be where we are.
It's what all the hard times, and the work has been for.
I am here.
I just can't give any away right now.
And don't wanna feel needie and clingie either. Or too open or too closed. Wanna leave and wanna stay.
None of those choices will be made.
Just too many mirrors coming my way.
Talk to you when we talk.
I do love you, old Pieces was scared and I am mad at you mode while I on the phone. I can't mend everything right now. Please just know that in reality, my love for you does not stop when I can't tell you the same thing back. I'm trying to work on that too. But it's rough, when I am scared and hurt and feel like I really need to be strong and don't know how to do that when I say I love someone. Part of the same habit of pushing my family away in order to get and have boundaries.
Oh god there is just too fucking much to look at!
I am an open book with too many pages that need to be written and so many that need to be tossed out!
Doing my best. Honest.
Pieces of Parts
***
Weeks Later:
I absolutely understand.
I love you always.
Biker
posted by Pieces Of Parts at Tuesday, August 02, 2005
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