Fully Found Piece Of Self

5% is Crazy, need to Fix-It

A deep and a truly profound pattern showed it's self to me just now. I've been working to find the answer to one question, for a few years now. Why do I go Crazy? I felt her wrath once again just now. She almost completely took me over, like so many times before.


Solution:

"When a man is stressed he will withdraw into the cave of his mind and focus on solving a problem. He generally picks the most urgent problem or the most difficult. he becomes so focused on solving this one problem that he temporarily loses awareness of everything else. Other problems and responsibilities fade into the background.

At such times, he becomes increasingly distant, forgetful, unresponsive, and preoccupied in his relationships. For example, when having a conversation with him at home, it seems as if only 5 percent of his mind is available for the relationship while the other 95 percent is still at work.

His full awareness is not present because he is mulling over his problem, hoping to find a solution. the more stressed he is the more gripped by the problem he will be. At such times he is incapable of giving a woman the attention and feeling that she normally receives and certainly deserves. His mind is preoccupied, and he is powerless to release it. If however, he can find a solution, instantly he will feel much better and come out of his cave; suddenly he is available for being in a relationship again."

Page: #28

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex by John Gary


Feelings:

Finally KNOWING saw what "Crazy" has been all along. during this reoccurrence of the pattern. She has been the sudden fear of having only 5% of the man in her life. At this particular time in space, I didn't even have the 5%. I had none.

But only 5% of person with me, is very close to the line of then feeling abandoned. And that is where I found myself swirling in almost all of a sudden. It was god awful! Too scary and heart breaking for words!

This 5% to abandonment is what I know. It IS what I feel I grew up with. Both are the reasons I found safety in isolation, in my made up worlds where chairs and tables and trees spoke to me. Where fairies hid behind flower petals. And if I looked close enough I could see them, and the dust as it fell off their wings, and powdered my nose.

I have been able to live alone for 20 years, cause I had "company" with me. Living in my past, and dreaming of what my future could hold, based solely on the past old feelings I felt I HAD to endure. Until not too long ago. And not much more since I practice NOW.

Not only do I feel I was abandoned just now. But KNOWING saw the truth, I have been also abandoning my own self all these many years. Even WAY before I moved out of my parents house. So the 5% is also coming from me to me. Outside pattern learned. Brought to the inside. Taken back outside and the basic make up of my created world, in another state and city. And why not? It is after all, all I knew and found to know, and the pattern I have been carrying with me.

So some part of me had moved forward and was creating something new for myself, more of what I wanted, what I have been doing much of my inner work for - a healthy moving forward relationship with a man. Suddenly, out of nowhere, or so it seemed at the time, I was pushed out and dropped back, far back into my past. Not just my past men situations, but into my small childhood past, and her man, her God... her Father.

I was able just now, to LOOK and finally feel a guiding entity of a child's feeling of being abandoned, and being given the 5% to hang out with. I knew nothing else. So that is what I knew, and assumed was "good enough" for me. And that is where I have remained.

I was thrown, or rather I through myself, all the way back in time, when I felt crazy for having such feelings as NEEDING support, and feeling much loneliness that seemed destined to be my constant companion and the "love" of my life.
And what I have perceived to be my illnesses of, addictive behavior, and my outer dependence.

I feel abandoned. I feel very lonely, I always have. I feel rather non-supported. And very much in need to feel safe. Even if it has come to me by way of a Pained Body, or the numbing of my needs and wants, and feelings, including my breaths, all leading me into the safety of isolation.

I haven't really wanted to be there, in that deeply lonely place. I have had feelings of excitement and then pure dread and gloom. And that everyone else gets to have a life, but me. Safe me.
All was better than really feeling the abandonment that seems might have plagued my everyday life. All of it far better than my NOWs of then.

Foundation:

Biker has a BIG CAVE. My Father a BIG FIX IT hat. Both men leave me feeling very lonely. Nothing new. Most of the men I have been attracted to, are of course the reflection of the main "GOD," my Father. I have been seeing my Father totally as that 5% man with much abandonments thrown in the mix. Many, upon thousands of times, just as I am sure it happened the first time, when I attempted to open myself up to him. Voice an opinion, tell him how I felt, even at the age of 2 or 3. Got his Mr. Fix-It, his eyes not present, his mind not with me, his ears not hearing me, his person not really being there with me - his 5% presence. He deemed that good enough. And seemingly always has.

So Crazy comes up when something happens that hurts. When something comes up that allows her to feel abandoned. When she is made not to speak, to avoid the fight, the angered feelings, the feeling made further worse by the storming of a loved one walking out the door in a rampage, cause an opinion was shared. She is Crazy cause she's allowed to say nothing, but hold her breath, gulp the feelings down deep inside. Carry them. Maintain them. Deal with them. Make herself sick with them.

And that is what I have always been, Sick and Crazy and Alone. And kept Alone, to be kept Safe. At all costs!

Problem:

My Biker wasn't with me during this time of first e-mailings with my Father. He'd been gone-gone, for close to two weeks, in his BIG CAVE. I felt like I'd been dropped like a hot potato. After almost six months of not seeing him, but being supported and communicated with almost every day, and then only two weeks with me, and not much of him was with me, while with me. And then on his way again. I felt very alone while making the scary exchanges. It had been a long time since I'd felt that old "familiar" deep loneliness and un-supported-ness. I got very scared. It brought back to me years of utter isolation, and depression.
It also felt different too. Something within it had changed since the last time I really felt it (ThatGirl). This time it seemed more gut like. More at it's foundation. More raw.

I have let Biker in. i had been very hurt for many years, and there was a powerful shield that surrounded me. He had to work hard at it, and although our relationship is very non-conventional, it has allowed me, a semi-safe place to LOOK at my patterns with men, and their connection towards my interpretation of my relationship with my Father.
The quote above, from the insightful book by John Gary, totally speaks to my very hurt little girl deep within me, right now. I think she has been my "Crazy" state of mind. Someone having felt a lot of feelings that had no words to express herself with, and as time went on those same feelings created "crazy" feeling feelings. Energy kept within, rather than shared and then had a chance to be let go. Instead they festered, and helped to further the shield of isolation. She had been "taught" that her feelings didn't really count or matter. So she dealt with them as best as she could, and it turned into a silent but loud "Crazy."

Having to do with nothing but not wanting to feel abandoned, yet again. Especially after having expressed feelings from a very scared and hurt little self.

Fare to him:

I knew what Biker was facing in this particular BIG GRAND CAVE. Even though he shut me out. I knew it while facing my Crazy. I understood that he had nothing to give me, because he needed everything he had to heal his own very hurt 14 self.

We are real major mirrors for one another. We have both taken each other into very seriously hurt spaces. We are both helping to healing ourselves, and each other. I can't see our future. I just know that for now, he is in my NOW.

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