Realizations of Mirrored Sisters
Subject: Realizations
Dearest Dearest JR,
I realized just this morning what is in fact going on.
My letting go of the part of me I have always seen as being Dependent on my folks and within myself, towards others, including things.
I woke up in a state this morning. And once again, thought of calling Biker and asking him to come here and help me thru all this "stuff."
But each time I do that, I feel suffocated.
That feeling came over me again, but this time I made myself look at it.
What was the suffocation? What did it mean?
My reaction to those questions was that I didn't want to be another one of his damsels in distress. And that to ask him to come up here, would warrant me needing to be FIXED. And I would not be having him here for me alone. The entire entity of having him here, would be to help me fix me. I can't knowingly invite that in now.
It is not apart of having a really healthy relationship. Somewhere at some time, asking for help when wanted from a man in my life will show it's self to me. But it's not clear to me right now, and therefore I don't think it is really there, yet.
So what came of that, was that I see now I am in the throws of walking thru my own outer-dependency and into learning how to let go of things I have always clung to - feeling dependent on or with. And yes also, taking what's offered to me as help, real help, such as you with your car. Taking it in, letting it out.
I didn't totally realize the significance of being ready to deal head on with my Body way of living it's life, and finding Dr. Yung with his answers. But it is one and the same. Body is in the process of painfully letting go of old habits to form a new way of working in this particular lifetime. And so it is time for all other things I have been clinging to, to be worked on too.
There is one main reason I haven't really started up my relationship with my Sister yet. And that is in the past, she has been scared by my clinging to her. And she made me scared of it as well. I can not have a relationship with her as long as I am that. Or even have the tendency to do it. I have to be more aware of what I am doing, like biting my tongue with my folks and Biker and whom ever. The work to be more healthy from being clingie must be in it's progress for real and not an idea of being in my future - in my thoughts about the future!
Everyone. EVERYONE, I know has bought a 2nd car. I can ask everyone I know for support thru this transition.
I am already finding ways that will benefit me in having a laptop. Main one is be free, in experiencing being out of my apartment and doing my art work. You saw, I've been working on it since we spoke about it Saturday night.
I see all these as stepping stones to all other choices I've been putting off for years now. I have so been doing this pattern all my life. And it has caused me much sorrow and isolation.
I kept a computer with a bad, unfixable mother board, for 7 years because I couldn't let go of the idea that I had made a bad choice. I was totally identified with it. Ego. You are not good enough. You made a bad choice. Clinging to that with all my might. My beliefs about myself.
Over and over again I have made such choices. In different forms but the same inner core feeling.
I already see, JR, the bigger picture.
OMG it is BIG TOO!
I do feel that I will be pushing myself hard, to find all the good that is going on around me right now. I feel desperate. In that I so easily could find reasons to fall apart and back into old safe places. But they just don't really work anymore, and so the only way to go is PRESENT.
OH oh oh they just called!
The brake ignition coil is cracked - But Ed looked my file up and found that the same thing happened last year in Sept. And soooo.... he teased with me.... but in the end IT IS UNDER WARRANTY!!!!!! OMG!!!! OMG!!!! I don't have to pay for it!!!!
Since I don't have to pay for it, he brought up a few other things that need tending to.
Muffler has a hole in it. I reminded him that they changed that too, and did he think the warranty they told me about it coming with, also was still good?
He called back just now to tell me.... teasing me all the way.... that the warranty was only good for 3 years. But then he talked to the guy there, he said he put pressure on him... like in a mod guy kind of voice! lol.... telling him that I was a really good customer and could he do something for that fact.... so SO SO SO.... he gave the muffler to C.C.Car at cost! And they are going to give it to me at COST!!!
That's from $325.00 to to to to to $175.00!!!!
Sooooo he asked if I wanted to take care of the other two items, which are... 2 new tires and 2 new wiper blades!
DUH!
I just CAN'T believe all this!!!
I did a lot better than in the past JR. I did do a number on me, but I did it a LOT less than in the past, even the recent past!
I think I really need to make all those guys at C.C.Care Noro Hats!!!
They have really been wonderful teachers and totally supportive of me all these years!!
I am so freaking blessed.
I love you dearly JR.
Thank you so much for your honesty, it really really really helps me!
They said the car will be ready around 3:00! Unfreaking believable!!!
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi So totally Right On!
Gonna go eat something. Of course that habit stepped right on in this morning.
Wow oh wow wow wow!!
Love you,
Talk to you soon soon!
Pieces of Parts
PS Oh oh oh and I got an e-mail back from Mo's step-mom.... her name is V. .... she still has the manual knitting machine. I think she love to have me come up there to get it. She's says it's not worth shipping. Road Trip?? You come with, we could probably spend the night there and then head back the next day or at least after a good knitting machine lesson?! Took me about 7 hours to drive up there the last two times. I took 83 to 81. It is a gorgeous way to go!!! Totally avoiding X completely. Passing little towns and trees and going into mountains. So so so Yummie!!!
Response....
Subject: Re: Realizations
OH PIECES!!!!
What a wonderful wonderful wonderful wonderful WONDERFUL EMAIL this is!!!!! My heart is totally swollen up HUGE, I am getting a BIG transfer of energy from all that you are RELEASING! I swear to god that joy just RADIATES from your email, BIG TIME!!!!
Hear that? You are BIG TIME! :D You are Self/spiritually/emotionally growing and growing, seeing and BEING, doing ALL THAT GOOD but HARD stuff too! HURRAH on your realizations with Biker, on how you view yourself in regards to your sister, on your car, on the big paychecks from the universe/force/whatever with the car and the knitting machine and EVERYTHING!!!!
It is such a privilege to know you and to SEE you DO THIS STUFF!!!!!!!
For the record, I think you have done a fine job of eradicating the "neediness" thing- we all have some levels of it, it is part of being human, but it does not rule you. I have some thoughts on the sister thing, based on what you've said and because I know we mirror each other with our sisters. It occurred to me today that my entire Relationship model is based on silent conflict (my mom and dad) and that one of the reasons I Take Care of my sister is because SOMEONE had to take care of us- and my model of Care is of passive-aggressive, unhappy, uncommunicative, silent and unacknowledged conflict.
All that to say, the Family is the hardest. Shrinkness always tells me that they are the root of it, the original template, so to bring forth change in the Family is a major, major step in creating the life we want (as opposed to following the same template, outline, expectations, etc that we've been given). I think you're already past it in the Here and Now. It's just a lot harder to really DO with the family, eh?
Okay, I am rambling. I think the coffee at the CTCafe wasn't really Decaf- i got zero sleep last night and am slap happy. So sorry if this email doesn't make sense!
Hugs to you, Pieces!
JR
PS. YES! A trip up North sounds oh-so-lovely!!!! And I think I'll have some time in Sept to do it! HURRAH!!!
Dearest Dearest JR,
I realized just this morning what is in fact going on.
My letting go of the part of me I have always seen as being Dependent on my folks and within myself, towards others, including things.
I woke up in a state this morning. And once again, thought of calling Biker and asking him to come here and help me thru all this "stuff."
But each time I do that, I feel suffocated.
That feeling came over me again, but this time I made myself look at it.
What was the suffocation? What did it mean?
My reaction to those questions was that I didn't want to be another one of his damsels in distress. And that to ask him to come up here, would warrant me needing to be FIXED. And I would not be having him here for me alone. The entire entity of having him here, would be to help me fix me. I can't knowingly invite that in now.
It is not apart of having a really healthy relationship. Somewhere at some time, asking for help when wanted from a man in my life will show it's self to me. But it's not clear to me right now, and therefore I don't think it is really there, yet.
So what came of that, was that I see now I am in the throws of walking thru my own outer-dependency and into learning how to let go of things I have always clung to - feeling dependent on or with. And yes also, taking what's offered to me as help, real help, such as you with your car. Taking it in, letting it out.
I didn't totally realize the significance of being ready to deal head on with my Body way of living it's life, and finding Dr. Yung with his answers. But it is one and the same. Body is in the process of painfully letting go of old habits to form a new way of working in this particular lifetime. And so it is time for all other things I have been clinging to, to be worked on too.
There is one main reason I haven't really started up my relationship with my Sister yet. And that is in the past, she has been scared by my clinging to her. And she made me scared of it as well. I can not have a relationship with her as long as I am that. Or even have the tendency to do it. I have to be more aware of what I am doing, like biting my tongue with my folks and Biker and whom ever. The work to be more healthy from being clingie must be in it's progress for real and not an idea of being in my future - in my thoughts about the future!
Everyone. EVERYONE, I know has bought a 2nd car. I can ask everyone I know for support thru this transition.
I am already finding ways that will benefit me in having a laptop. Main one is be free, in experiencing being out of my apartment and doing my art work. You saw, I've been working on it since we spoke about it Saturday night.
I see all these as stepping stones to all other choices I've been putting off for years now. I have so been doing this pattern all my life. And it has caused me much sorrow and isolation.
I kept a computer with a bad, unfixable mother board, for 7 years because I couldn't let go of the idea that I had made a bad choice. I was totally identified with it. Ego. You are not good enough. You made a bad choice. Clinging to that with all my might. My beliefs about myself.
Over and over again I have made such choices. In different forms but the same inner core feeling.
I already see, JR, the bigger picture.
OMG it is BIG TOO!
I do feel that I will be pushing myself hard, to find all the good that is going on around me right now. I feel desperate. In that I so easily could find reasons to fall apart and back into old safe places. But they just don't really work anymore, and so the only way to go is PRESENT.
OH oh oh they just called!
The brake ignition coil is cracked - But Ed looked my file up and found that the same thing happened last year in Sept. And soooo.... he teased with me.... but in the end IT IS UNDER WARRANTY!!!!!! OMG!!!! OMG!!!! I don't have to pay for it!!!!
Since I don't have to pay for it, he brought up a few other things that need tending to.
Muffler has a hole in it. I reminded him that they changed that too, and did he think the warranty they told me about it coming with, also was still good?
He called back just now to tell me.... teasing me all the way.... that the warranty was only good for 3 years. But then he talked to the guy there, he said he put pressure on him... like in a mod guy kind of voice! lol.... telling him that I was a really good customer and could he do something for that fact.... so SO SO SO.... he gave the muffler to C.C.Car at cost! And they are going to give it to me at COST!!!
That's from $325.00 to to to to to $175.00!!!!
Sooooo he asked if I wanted to take care of the other two items, which are... 2 new tires and 2 new wiper blades!
DUH!
I just CAN'T believe all this!!!
I did a lot better than in the past JR. I did do a number on me, but I did it a LOT less than in the past, even the recent past!
I think I really need to make all those guys at C.C.Care Noro Hats!!!
They have really been wonderful teachers and totally supportive of me all these years!!
I am so freaking blessed.
I love you dearly JR.
Thank you so much for your honesty, it really really really helps me!
They said the car will be ready around 3:00! Unfreaking believable!!!
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi So totally Right On!
Gonna go eat something. Of course that habit stepped right on in this morning.
Wow oh wow wow wow!!
Love you,
Talk to you soon soon!
Pieces of Parts
PS Oh oh oh and I got an e-mail back from Mo's step-mom.... her name is V. .... she still has the manual knitting machine. I think she love to have me come up there to get it. She's says it's not worth shipping. Road Trip?? You come with, we could probably spend the night there and then head back the next day or at least after a good knitting machine lesson?! Took me about 7 hours to drive up there the last two times. I took 83 to 81. It is a gorgeous way to go!!! Totally avoiding X completely. Passing little towns and trees and going into mountains. So so so Yummie!!!
Response....
Subject: Re: Realizations
OH PIECES!!!!
What a wonderful wonderful wonderful wonderful WONDERFUL EMAIL this is!!!!! My heart is totally swollen up HUGE, I am getting a BIG transfer of energy from all that you are RELEASING! I swear to god that joy just RADIATES from your email, BIG TIME!!!!
Hear that? You are BIG TIME! :D You are Self/spiritually/emotionally growing and growing, seeing and BEING, doing ALL THAT GOOD but HARD stuff too! HURRAH on your realizations with Biker, on how you view yourself in regards to your sister, on your car, on the big paychecks from the universe/force/whatever with the car and the knitting machine and EVERYTHING!!!!
It is such a privilege to know you and to SEE you DO THIS STUFF!!!!!!!
For the record, I think you have done a fine job of eradicating the "neediness" thing- we all have some levels of it, it is part of being human, but it does not rule you. I have some thoughts on the sister thing, based on what you've said and because I know we mirror each other with our sisters. It occurred to me today that my entire Relationship model is based on silent conflict (my mom and dad) and that one of the reasons I Take Care of my sister is because SOMEONE had to take care of us- and my model of Care is of passive-aggressive, unhappy, uncommunicative, silent and unacknowledged conflict.
All that to say, the Family is the hardest. Shrinkness always tells me that they are the root of it, the original template, so to bring forth change in the Family is a major, major step in creating the life we want (as opposed to following the same template, outline, expectations, etc that we've been given). I think you're already past it in the Here and Now. It's just a lot harder to really DO with the family, eh?
Okay, I am rambling. I think the coffee at the CTCafe wasn't really Decaf- i got zero sleep last night and am slap happy. So sorry if this email doesn't make sense!
Hugs to you, Pieces!
JR
PS. YES! A trip up North sounds oh-so-lovely!!!! And I think I'll have some time in Sept to do it! HURRAH!!!
posted by Pieces Of Parts at Wednesday, August 24, 2005
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