Three Pieces of Spirit
Today was emotional.
When I woke up this AM, I knew I would find an e-mail from my Dad. I sent you a copy of it, along with a copy of what I sent to him in response. I of course couldn't eat and didn't. Had some yogurt but that was about it.
You called me while I was heading over to BIG Yung's, so he could give me some time and show me the exercises, again. When I got there, he was just finishing up with Poet.
It ended up being the three of us, with Poet cooling out after the session, and BIG Yung focusing on me and my questions. The day before, when all the stuff had started up with my parents, I'd called Big Yung in tears almost, leaving a message that I was having much trouble getting the information in and was unhappy at feeling overwhelmed and therefor unable to do my part in our exchange.
For the major part of this meeting, we all sat out back on the porch, in the sun. Not really a good idea for me, I've been paying for that time all evening.
But nevertheless, it was of some comfort to have Poet there, even if he was a bit out of it at that time. Later he told me that he got quite a bit out of, because he was so calm, he could hear more clearly.
I told Big Yung that what seemed to be coming thru for me, is that I have been enjoying doing my stretches in the AM. Like you saw me do. That over the years that has really helped me be more mentally stable on the days that I do that. And that I wanted to have something like that, but doing his exercises. As he thought about it, in the end he really liked the idea. That journey was very apparent to both me and Poet.
But what also became very clear to me, was that these exercises are to be done whenever, like as a self-monitoring way of living ones life. Because we move and use out bodies all day and night, these exercises can be done thru out the day, whenever we feel something feels not right.
Suddenly I felt a real shift inside me. And I also felt the part of me that I got from my Dad - Quick Fix It, come forward.
As much as I am pushing my father back, pushing his Quick Fixer upper person within him, here is mine. She too wants a quick fix! But this is not it. KNOWING knew this. But old pattern did not. Old pattern used to try everything new, jump from one thing to another, just like her Father. But she changed all that, made herself slow down and not be fooled around with the charms of new things. But that was a time when I had the double edge sward going that I knew nothing about. i.e. bad meds with depressive side effects. Nevertheless, something was learned from that. I felt it today.
BIG Yung was very interested in the idea of having a morning routine. I think it helped him see how acting them out at that time, could really be of help in the "real world" use of his invention.
When we were done, as done as I was for that time. I told him I couldn't take in anymore right then. And that I knew I would have more questions after I'd tried to do the ones we went over on my own. He asked me how I was doing right now. Tight I told him, but that I also had not been doing my part and wanted to try doing them, before meeting up again, to see what they could do for me, since I was a bit more clear on things. Big Yung had a funny look on his face, that I guess Poet picked up on to, but then out of Poet's mouth came a sweet comment to Big Yung, about wasn't it nice to have such an awake and participating client. Which seemed to be what had crossed Big Yung's mind. And it just brought that entire thing at that moment together.
The men shook hands when we were getting ready to part, and out of no where, Big Yung gave me a long endearing hug. I told Poet later on, that I thought he did that because of my phone call and honesty.
I was moved by what I'd shared with him on the phone message as well. Which was the fact that I had been that honest with someone I'd just met. And that I did it, only after I had tried to understand what I was reading. Had done my best, at that time to ask for help, and just wasn't getting it, so I went to the only person left.
After that, Poet and I left we went to have lunch.
I've been mad at Poet since after I came back from Big Yung the first time. I was mad at him and you on the same day. I found you both to be ALL ABOUT YOU, while I was in much pain.
I had tried to ask Poet for help with learning the exercises and had felt that he was totally uninterested, and that only added to my feelings of loneliness and confusion.
I told him all of this.
His response was that he felt my pain and felt uncomfortable at trying to help me with Big Yung's exercises. He didn't want to make mistakes that would lead me to have and be in more pain. And since he isn't good at saying No, he just pulled back, and what felt to me like, out.
My need for help. My feelings of fear at what I am walking thru right now. The pain of untwisting my body parts. The energy flowing from it happening. My needing now to deal with my folks and ALL that it is made up of, old past haunts, hurts, pushing, not good enough, etc..... are all hitting me at once. Along with my own new ability to stand up for myself towards them, you, Poet (any friends), the "doctor" I am working with, whom ever - has me feeling all sorts of things, on all sorts of levels.
When Poet and I parted, we hugged each other, and I could feel my loneliness at wanting someone close, on my side, to be here with me during this time. And there is no one here, but me.
So I feel a few things. I really understand another level of what Shrink has been teaching me. I really do have to be 100% my own person. And what the other person gets to be, is the support for that 100% person. I felt where that healthy role could be placed today.
But I also feel a part of Pieces that you felt when we first met. The one that was shielded in order to keep her safe and take care of her the best way I knew how to do.
I don't know what this means, with someone in my life, but I have been feeling more and more on my own. I am looking at our relationship differently today, then before. And I am looking at me differently as well.
The day I felt that it was ALL ABOUT YOU and Poet too, pushed me into looking at another set of patterns. The main one being, that on that day, I thought I was clear to the both of you, that I was in much pain. Apparently I was not. Poet agreed that I was not. He's been looking at it, and felt horrible that he'd kept rambling on about himself. But that he also could see where I had not been forceful about how I was feeling either. Which feels "right" to me now, but didn't then.
Either way, I am finding myself NEEDING, NOW, to be very loud and very clear.... with Loving thrown into the mix, with my Father. It does seem to be working, so far. He has not responded to this mornings e-mail yet. Since this is new territory for me, for us, I have no idea what to expect. Old Pieces does. Old Pieces is expecting to fight him off, so he doesn't try more ways of getting control over this. But I am trying not to let that old part of me Take over Me and gain control either!
This is all I know for now.
My back hurts and I just used up what energy I had left.
Mac-Guru is out of the hospital. He had surgery on Tuesday. They took something out of his hip and put it into his shoulder. It's his left arm. Which he is not allowed to use. He is right handed, thank goodness!
Good Nighters. Or Good Morning. Or Good Afternoon. Which ever the case may be when you read this.
Lovies,
Pieces of Parts
P.S. Since Poet was there today, and got a lot out of the information Big Yung was showing and sharing with me, and because Big Yung suggested that he might do a few of the exercises himself, when we parted after lunch, he offered to help me with them.
When I woke up this AM, I knew I would find an e-mail from my Dad. I sent you a copy of it, along with a copy of what I sent to him in response. I of course couldn't eat and didn't. Had some yogurt but that was about it.
You called me while I was heading over to BIG Yung's, so he could give me some time and show me the exercises, again. When I got there, he was just finishing up with Poet.
It ended up being the three of us, with Poet cooling out after the session, and BIG Yung focusing on me and my questions. The day before, when all the stuff had started up with my parents, I'd called Big Yung in tears almost, leaving a message that I was having much trouble getting the information in and was unhappy at feeling overwhelmed and therefor unable to do my part in our exchange.
For the major part of this meeting, we all sat out back on the porch, in the sun. Not really a good idea for me, I've been paying for that time all evening.
But nevertheless, it was of some comfort to have Poet there, even if he was a bit out of it at that time. Later he told me that he got quite a bit out of, because he was so calm, he could hear more clearly.
I told Big Yung that what seemed to be coming thru for me, is that I have been enjoying doing my stretches in the AM. Like you saw me do. That over the years that has really helped me be more mentally stable on the days that I do that. And that I wanted to have something like that, but doing his exercises. As he thought about it, in the end he really liked the idea. That journey was very apparent to both me and Poet.
But what also became very clear to me, was that these exercises are to be done whenever, like as a self-monitoring way of living ones life. Because we move and use out bodies all day and night, these exercises can be done thru out the day, whenever we feel something feels not right.
Suddenly I felt a real shift inside me. And I also felt the part of me that I got from my Dad - Quick Fix It, come forward.
As much as I am pushing my father back, pushing his Quick Fixer upper person within him, here is mine. She too wants a quick fix! But this is not it. KNOWING knew this. But old pattern did not. Old pattern used to try everything new, jump from one thing to another, just like her Father. But she changed all that, made herself slow down and not be fooled around with the charms of new things. But that was a time when I had the double edge sward going that I knew nothing about. i.e. bad meds with depressive side effects. Nevertheless, something was learned from that. I felt it today.
BIG Yung was very interested in the idea of having a morning routine. I think it helped him see how acting them out at that time, could really be of help in the "real world" use of his invention.
When we were done, as done as I was for that time. I told him I couldn't take in anymore right then. And that I knew I would have more questions after I'd tried to do the ones we went over on my own. He asked me how I was doing right now. Tight I told him, but that I also had not been doing my part and wanted to try doing them, before meeting up again, to see what they could do for me, since I was a bit more clear on things. Big Yung had a funny look on his face, that I guess Poet picked up on to, but then out of Poet's mouth came a sweet comment to Big Yung, about wasn't it nice to have such an awake and participating client. Which seemed to be what had crossed Big Yung's mind. And it just brought that entire thing at that moment together.
The men shook hands when we were getting ready to part, and out of no where, Big Yung gave me a long endearing hug. I told Poet later on, that I thought he did that because of my phone call and honesty.
I was moved by what I'd shared with him on the phone message as well. Which was the fact that I had been that honest with someone I'd just met. And that I did it, only after I had tried to understand what I was reading. Had done my best, at that time to ask for help, and just wasn't getting it, so I went to the only person left.
After that, Poet and I left we went to have lunch.
I've been mad at Poet since after I came back from Big Yung the first time. I was mad at him and you on the same day. I found you both to be ALL ABOUT YOU, while I was in much pain.
I had tried to ask Poet for help with learning the exercises and had felt that he was totally uninterested, and that only added to my feelings of loneliness and confusion.
I told him all of this.
His response was that he felt my pain and felt uncomfortable at trying to help me with Big Yung's exercises. He didn't want to make mistakes that would lead me to have and be in more pain. And since he isn't good at saying No, he just pulled back, and what felt to me like, out.
My need for help. My feelings of fear at what I am walking thru right now. The pain of untwisting my body parts. The energy flowing from it happening. My needing now to deal with my folks and ALL that it is made up of, old past haunts, hurts, pushing, not good enough, etc..... are all hitting me at once. Along with my own new ability to stand up for myself towards them, you, Poet (any friends), the "doctor" I am working with, whom ever - has me feeling all sorts of things, on all sorts of levels.
When Poet and I parted, we hugged each other, and I could feel my loneliness at wanting someone close, on my side, to be here with me during this time. And there is no one here, but me.
So I feel a few things. I really understand another level of what Shrink has been teaching me. I really do have to be 100% my own person. And what the other person gets to be, is the support for that 100% person. I felt where that healthy role could be placed today.
But I also feel a part of Pieces that you felt when we first met. The one that was shielded in order to keep her safe and take care of her the best way I knew how to do.
I don't know what this means, with someone in my life, but I have been feeling more and more on my own. I am looking at our relationship differently today, then before. And I am looking at me differently as well.
The day I felt that it was ALL ABOUT YOU and Poet too, pushed me into looking at another set of patterns. The main one being, that on that day, I thought I was clear to the both of you, that I was in much pain. Apparently I was not. Poet agreed that I was not. He's been looking at it, and felt horrible that he'd kept rambling on about himself. But that he also could see where I had not been forceful about how I was feeling either. Which feels "right" to me now, but didn't then.
Either way, I am finding myself NEEDING, NOW, to be very loud and very clear.... with Loving thrown into the mix, with my Father. It does seem to be working, so far. He has not responded to this mornings e-mail yet. Since this is new territory for me, for us, I have no idea what to expect. Old Pieces does. Old Pieces is expecting to fight him off, so he doesn't try more ways of getting control over this. But I am trying not to let that old part of me Take over Me and gain control either!
This is all I know for now.
My back hurts and I just used up what energy I had left.
Mac-Guru is out of the hospital. He had surgery on Tuesday. They took something out of his hip and put it into his shoulder. It's his left arm. Which he is not allowed to use. He is right handed, thank goodness!
Good Nighters. Or Good Morning. Or Good Afternoon. Which ever the case may be when you read this.
Lovies,
Pieces of Parts
P.S. Since Poet was there today, and got a lot out of the information Big Yung was showing and sharing with me, and because Big Yung suggested that he might do a few of the exercises himself, when we parted after lunch, he offered to help me with them.
posted by Pieces Of Parts at Wednesday, August 03, 2005
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