Abused Pieces - part 2
continued:
“Why is your hair always such a mess?”
To that.………….. TEENAGE FREAKED THE FUCK ON OUT!
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! It felt so oddly wonderfully ALL ABOUT HIM!
It felt so wonderfully disgusting! And so ALL ABOUT HIM.
It was just horrible, horrible, horrible!!!
He couldn’t imagine why, what was so bad about the question.
Perhaps for the very first time in my life, this sort of question from him, felt really to be ALL ABOUT HIM.
HE was pointing his finger at me. HE was letting me know YOUR NOT GOOD ENOUGH. He was implying all his normal horrible things about me towards me. But this time, you know.… I almost laughed.
At the same time I was hurt and so disgusted. Disgusted that I’d been through this countless times with him, and here he was, doing it again.
It was now ridiculous really. It really needed to stop. I was feeling new feelings, and not used to feeling such feelings. With the old ones mixed in, TEENAGER showed herself to me and to HIM.
Yelling at the top of her lungs, she gathered up her things and started heading for the door. He was pleading for me to stay and talk to him. Getting up from his chair, asking me, begging. Oh my god she wanted to storm. To get the fuck out of there! How the fuck dare he say such a thing, ask such a stupid question. Why didn’t he already know the answer! WHY!?
When I told my Shrink, even he was shocked. I figure if he was shocked, then the feelings I was feeling for the first time in my life, were appropriate. Shrink found the question to be ALL ABOUT HIM, then my feelings were right and just. I got real confirmation, that all along the feelings I’ve been feeling were RIGHT THE FUCK ON BABY!
And that indeed, this was all about him and how he looked to others, to hell with whatever was going on or not going on with me.
I don’t really remember what I said to him. I couldn’t find any words, and again I had too many words. In the end I told him that it was obvious to me that he found me embarrassing. And that all he had asked that day showed that clearly to me. And that he’d been asking the same insulting questions for years now, all saying the very same thing. HE WAS FLOORED. He has had no idea what his words do, have done, are doing. I was beside my self with utter furry.
I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU! I HEAR YOU. I HAVE ALWAYS HEARD YOU LOUD AND FUCKING CLEARLY, DAD!!
He was Floored.
No matter what came out of his mouth that afternoon, he got honesty out of me. When I am around my family, I barely open my mouth. I have been in MY PLACE for years now. So to do what I did that afternoon, was shocking. And for me to do what I did, showed to me, how really quiet I have really been all this time.
And THAT fact really hurt me.
I felt bigger than the White House. HURT is what my Body is made up of now.
He really didn’t know what to do or say after all was said and done. He’d gotten a lot out of me, only because I was ready to give it and he was ready to HEAR it. I will never be sure what he was looking for, but I know what he got.
There were moments when he found me outside, on the phone with Biker. And all that could be done was to stand there. Off the phone with Biker and into my Father’s arms, for long periods of utter silence. He knew. I know he knew now, I’d been paying a hefty price for his inability to take me in, as I am, as I have always been.
I don’t know if there was an impact on his part to find me talking to Biker after yet another big blow up. Running from one man to another. Finding true comfort, true understanding, and new unconditional everything in that other man. He has never really seen me as a woman, or a woman who could possibly want her own man, and possibly find some love and comfort there as well?
It’s just always been about him, and how I show off him, to others. It’s probably even more profound than that. But that is what it has felt like to me.
There were other questions, but Body is informing me strongly, that I must move on and forward from this space.
This particular work here is done, and my particular work has also.…. just begun.
Pieces of Parts
“Why is your hair always such a mess?”
To that.………….. TEENAGE FREAKED THE FUCK ON OUT!
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! It felt so oddly wonderfully ALL ABOUT HIM!
It felt so wonderfully disgusting! And so ALL ABOUT HIM.
It was just horrible, horrible, horrible!!!
He couldn’t imagine why, what was so bad about the question.
Perhaps for the very first time in my life, this sort of question from him, felt really to be ALL ABOUT HIM.
HE was pointing his finger at me. HE was letting me know YOUR NOT GOOD ENOUGH. He was implying all his normal horrible things about me towards me. But this time, you know.… I almost laughed.
At the same time I was hurt and so disgusted. Disgusted that I’d been through this countless times with him, and here he was, doing it again.
It was now ridiculous really. It really needed to stop. I was feeling new feelings, and not used to feeling such feelings. With the old ones mixed in, TEENAGER showed herself to me and to HIM.
Yelling at the top of her lungs, she gathered up her things and started heading for the door. He was pleading for me to stay and talk to him. Getting up from his chair, asking me, begging. Oh my god she wanted to storm. To get the fuck out of there! How the fuck dare he say such a thing, ask such a stupid question. Why didn’t he already know the answer! WHY!?
When I told my Shrink, even he was shocked. I figure if he was shocked, then the feelings I was feeling for the first time in my life, were appropriate. Shrink found the question to be ALL ABOUT HIM, then my feelings were right and just. I got real confirmation, that all along the feelings I’ve been feeling were RIGHT THE FUCK ON BABY!
And that indeed, this was all about him and how he looked to others, to hell with whatever was going on or not going on with me.
I don’t really remember what I said to him. I couldn’t find any words, and again I had too many words. In the end I told him that it was obvious to me that he found me embarrassing. And that all he had asked that day showed that clearly to me. And that he’d been asking the same insulting questions for years now, all saying the very same thing. HE WAS FLOORED. He has had no idea what his words do, have done, are doing. I was beside my self with utter furry.
I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU! I HEAR YOU. I HAVE ALWAYS HEARD YOU LOUD AND FUCKING CLEARLY, DAD!!
He was Floored.
No matter what came out of his mouth that afternoon, he got honesty out of me. When I am around my family, I barely open my mouth. I have been in MY PLACE for years now. So to do what I did that afternoon, was shocking. And for me to do what I did, showed to me, how really quiet I have really been all this time.
And THAT fact really hurt me.
I felt bigger than the White House. HURT is what my Body is made up of now.
He really didn’t know what to do or say after all was said and done. He’d gotten a lot out of me, only because I was ready to give it and he was ready to HEAR it. I will never be sure what he was looking for, but I know what he got.
There were moments when he found me outside, on the phone with Biker. And all that could be done was to stand there. Off the phone with Biker and into my Father’s arms, for long periods of utter silence. He knew. I know he knew now, I’d been paying a hefty price for his inability to take me in, as I am, as I have always been.
I don’t know if there was an impact on his part to find me talking to Biker after yet another big blow up. Running from one man to another. Finding true comfort, true understanding, and new unconditional everything in that other man. He has never really seen me as a woman, or a woman who could possibly want her own man, and possibly find some love and comfort there as well?
It’s just always been about him, and how I show off him, to others. It’s probably even more profound than that. But that is what it has felt like to me.
There were other questions, but Body is informing me strongly, that I must move on and forward from this space.
This particular work here is done, and my particular work has also.…. just begun.
Pieces of Parts
posted by Pieces Of Parts at Sunday, October 23, 2005
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