My Waves! Finally Seen!
All day long my Mother put herself down. All day long SHE put HIM, My Father, either up on the highest pedestal she could find, or that he was such a DORK that he can’t find his own way and it scares the hell out of her.
I found MY WAVES within this pattern!!!
Not sure if they are of one and not the other. Or if they are a combination of both. They must be, cause the game is played out, and the dance is performed, and The Waves pattern created. And if one stopped in the middle, the dance would end right then and there. So it is both, although hard to see, but I certainly felt it. And The Waves, they belong to them! I learned them and then took them into my own life. What the heck choice did I have!
They were my GODS. Didn’t they KNOW best? Weren’t they the greatest of teachers?
From the start doing the meditations of listening to my surroundings has been POWERFUL, bringing me immediately into my own present moment. Into my NOW. And into a Balance mode, much more constant, allowing the WAVES to show themselves, and their alien feeling.
Following HER own Self:
She, My Mother, would find her information. Ask herself all the right questions. Put all the information together and then put her right foot forward, and take her step. Then, something would hit her, and she would “question” herself almost as soon as she’d put her idea out there - to my Father.
Wave going down - many times SUPER fast:
Suddenly everything she had done was “wrong” and she was “stupid.” and an “idiot” and WORSE. She must have looked up the “wrong” information. She must have been on the “wrong” page. She must have not heard him “right.” On and on and on and on. Getting herself to some point where she should never have tried to figure things out on her own without every inch of his input while doing it. And then.…. he becomes the RIGHT ONE. The God like. The all knowing and her, the nothing, the “Bad Little Girl.”
Wave going up, while she is a piece of shit:
HE, my Father knows everything. She should have never ever tried to do things on her own, she says to him. He knows how to read maps, he knows where they are heading. She should just let him do it all, cause she is just no good at it. On and on, all at the same time as she is putting herself down, way freaking down. She makes herself sound so bad, so stupid that somewhere in the dance, my Father agrees. He begins his own “you are a piece of shit” towards her. She gets to cry and feel the pains of what she grew up with, all over again. And in the sick world of this dance, SHE’S WON! It’s a Grand part of her “Kick me Dance.”
Wave going back up, while she is still a piece of shit and he is GOD:
And suddenly there is another shift.
And a oddly, but mutual understanding, that she had actually done the work to find the information, and it had been right. And he had been wrong about accusing her of being stupid. And then their dance shuffles about. Going back and forth and forth and back, to where they are high and in love and playing lovie-dovie with one another and happy to be married still after 50 years.
It’s so phony. So unreal. So part of the dance. But it is certainly a part of The Waves, and is certainly also a Grand HIGH.
But in not too much longer a period of time, the wave is about to drop way down again.
And in the end. All these parts happen over and over and over again, thru out one day. Each day. In a given hours time even. It is their dance and how they communicate with and towards each other. All done in LOUD and demeaning screaming, I’ve called much of their patterns of communication, their “FIGHTING.” Which in my mind, is constant.
My surf:
When I am added to the mix, I am tossed about like a rag doll. Thrown to be on one persons side and then tossed to the other. Both of them making me be their “buddy” and therefore against the other. Which happens to be one of my GODParents, that I am now supposed to go against?! How? How do I stay safe doing that? How? I’m in limbo. In between the two people that I love the most, that support, feed, cloth and are supposed to direct me to having a functioning life of my very own.
I am tossed about and gliding on the tips of each of their dance waves. On an emotional roller coaster, that has no real ending. Making me feel wanted, but played with, guilty cause I can’t fix either of them for either of them. Safe and totally unsafe. Way up and way the heck down, everyone too Ego happy, down to hatred and pointing fingers, to almost lovemaking in front of me. All for no fucking reason other than to keep the Drama going. Keep the “relationship” together. Keeping the unresolved problems from each of their childhood patterns going, and therefore passing them on to me. And me to me. And me to my loved ones.
No boundaries. Smothered by their dance. No separation between their relationship and who I am. I am to be born their savior. Their number one child, broken and all over the place and no place, but in MY PLACE.
No wonder I run, hide, get safe, get quiet, get lost, to find the quiet in my mind, although it has been busy as hell, my own waves and crazy times, and Totally NOT GOOD ENOUGH patterns, my ways of being in my own life. Or not being.
I have no more time to analyze this pattern. I have worked on this project for over four years now. This is as far as I will go with it. I have done my work to see it. The waves are hers, and theirs. I want to see myself choose differently from now on. For starters, I want my NOW.
The Waves are NOT my pre-menopause. The Waves are NOT, something NOT there. The Waves are THERE. The Waves have BEEN THERE. The Waves are REAL. And The Waves were TAUGHT.
What The Waves ARE, is a Grand Part of “CRAZY.”
AND some Grand Part of “No Art.”
AND NOW, finally I HAVE CHOICE.
Practicing my NOW, takes me out of The Waves. I get to stay still. I get to stay balanced for long periods of time. I get to hear myself feel and choose and give myself credit for choices made, workable or not. And I get chances to make better choices from the last one tried. And maybe, just maybe a grand part of “Crazy,” can try to rest now.
The Waves are and have always been Totally Safe and Totally Unsafe at the same time.
But in the calm of NOW, I am once again, and for real this time around, getting images of Self & Parts of Art.
NOW the real possibility of calm seas within me, lays before me where it has never been.
A Brutal Ride is Done.
And MY SEEN CHOICE is made.
Pieces of Parts
I found MY WAVES within this pattern!!!
Not sure if they are of one and not the other. Or if they are a combination of both. They must be, cause the game is played out, and the dance is performed, and The Waves pattern created. And if one stopped in the middle, the dance would end right then and there. So it is both, although hard to see, but I certainly felt it. And The Waves, they belong to them! I learned them and then took them into my own life. What the heck choice did I have!
They were my GODS. Didn’t they KNOW best? Weren’t they the greatest of teachers?
From the start doing the meditations of listening to my surroundings has been POWERFUL, bringing me immediately into my own present moment. Into my NOW. And into a Balance mode, much more constant, allowing the WAVES to show themselves, and their alien feeling.
Following HER own Self:
She, My Mother, would find her information. Ask herself all the right questions. Put all the information together and then put her right foot forward, and take her step. Then, something would hit her, and she would “question” herself almost as soon as she’d put her idea out there - to my Father.
Wave going down - many times SUPER fast:
Suddenly everything she had done was “wrong” and she was “stupid.” and an “idiot” and WORSE. She must have looked up the “wrong” information. She must have been on the “wrong” page. She must have not heard him “right.” On and on and on and on. Getting herself to some point where she should never have tried to figure things out on her own without every inch of his input while doing it. And then.…. he becomes the RIGHT ONE. The God like. The all knowing and her, the nothing, the “Bad Little Girl.”
Wave going up, while she is a piece of shit:
HE, my Father knows everything. She should have never ever tried to do things on her own, she says to him. He knows how to read maps, he knows where they are heading. She should just let him do it all, cause she is just no good at it. On and on, all at the same time as she is putting herself down, way freaking down. She makes herself sound so bad, so stupid that somewhere in the dance, my Father agrees. He begins his own “you are a piece of shit” towards her. She gets to cry and feel the pains of what she grew up with, all over again. And in the sick world of this dance, SHE’S WON! It’s a Grand part of her “Kick me Dance.”
Wave going back up, while she is still a piece of shit and he is GOD:
And suddenly there is another shift.
And a oddly, but mutual understanding, that she had actually done the work to find the information, and it had been right. And he had been wrong about accusing her of being stupid. And then their dance shuffles about. Going back and forth and forth and back, to where they are high and in love and playing lovie-dovie with one another and happy to be married still after 50 years.
It’s so phony. So unreal. So part of the dance. But it is certainly a part of The Waves, and is certainly also a Grand HIGH.
But in not too much longer a period of time, the wave is about to drop way down again.
And in the end. All these parts happen over and over and over again, thru out one day. Each day. In a given hours time even. It is their dance and how they communicate with and towards each other. All done in LOUD and demeaning screaming, I’ve called much of their patterns of communication, their “FIGHTING.” Which in my mind, is constant.
My surf:
When I am added to the mix, I am tossed about like a rag doll. Thrown to be on one persons side and then tossed to the other. Both of them making me be their “buddy” and therefore against the other. Which happens to be one of my GODParents, that I am now supposed to go against?! How? How do I stay safe doing that? How? I’m in limbo. In between the two people that I love the most, that support, feed, cloth and are supposed to direct me to having a functioning life of my very own.
I am tossed about and gliding on the tips of each of their dance waves. On an emotional roller coaster, that has no real ending. Making me feel wanted, but played with, guilty cause I can’t fix either of them for either of them. Safe and totally unsafe. Way up and way the heck down, everyone too Ego happy, down to hatred and pointing fingers, to almost lovemaking in front of me. All for no fucking reason other than to keep the Drama going. Keep the “relationship” together. Keeping the unresolved problems from each of their childhood patterns going, and therefore passing them on to me. And me to me. And me to my loved ones.
No boundaries. Smothered by their dance. No separation between their relationship and who I am. I am to be born their savior. Their number one child, broken and all over the place and no place, but in MY PLACE.
No wonder I run, hide, get safe, get quiet, get lost, to find the quiet in my mind, although it has been busy as hell, my own waves and crazy times, and Totally NOT GOOD ENOUGH patterns, my ways of being in my own life. Or not being.
I have no more time to analyze this pattern. I have worked on this project for over four years now. This is as far as I will go with it. I have done my work to see it. The waves are hers, and theirs. I want to see myself choose differently from now on. For starters, I want my NOW.
The Waves are NOT my pre-menopause. The Waves are NOT, something NOT there. The Waves are THERE. The Waves have BEEN THERE. The Waves are REAL. And The Waves were TAUGHT.
What The Waves ARE, is a Grand Part of “CRAZY.”
AND some Grand Part of “No Art.”
AND NOW, finally I HAVE CHOICE.
Practicing my NOW, takes me out of The Waves. I get to stay still. I get to stay balanced for long periods of time. I get to hear myself feel and choose and give myself credit for choices made, workable or not. And I get chances to make better choices from the last one tried. And maybe, just maybe a grand part of “Crazy,” can try to rest now.
The Waves are and have always been Totally Safe and Totally Unsafe at the same time.
But in the calm of NOW, I am once again, and for real this time around, getting images of Self & Parts of Art.
NOW the real possibility of calm seas within me, lays before me where it has never been.
A Brutal Ride is Done.
And MY SEEN CHOICE is made.
Pieces of Parts
posted by Pieces Of Parts at Wednesday, October 19, 2005
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