Goodbye Dear Artist
MarcStBer told me that his sign: Libra - love to be in love. And that his Mother loved him to be in love. In love to him, meant being the cavalier savior, ready to ride on his horse and come into the life of his new love, fully.
The romance started fast and furiously, and what could take months with someone healthy, took no time at all. And before you knew it, he was showing you not only his full colors, but his full CRAZY in drunk spirit. And because you had shown him that you were interested, he felt it only natural to be too comfortable, too fast, to the point of total uncomfortableness, and overwhelming worry.
MarcStBer's need for DRAMA was constant. He didn't know how to live without it. I thought it was my WAVES, but it was his. Mine didn't really have enough time to breath. I was riding HARD on his waves, and his waves were moving faster than anything I'd ever encountered.
I was going CRAZY. I was getting very scared. I was thinking that it was me. Until I finally saw, it wasn't.
What it was, was My first REAL introduction to BiPolar and total Alcoholism first hand, and all in one.
But even MarcStBer, in his state of being, had no problem letting me believe that I was the one that was crazy.
Our outer-dependents and inner torments fed each other, VERY VERY VERY WELL.
I knew his upbringing. Heard about it for years by the time we re-met. On my own, I figured out his patterns. Before things got crazy between us, we'd talked about it.
As a grown man I could see his reoccurring Life pattern. Now I was getting his Insiders Scoop. It told me of his very crazy indeed, upbringing. His acts spoke loud, as his words got mad at me for seeing his truth.
His Dad abandoned his Mother and his just arrived brother. MarcStBer spent his life, trying to save his "mother" over and over again. Each time he met a woman he wanted to SAVE her. He did all the moves that a gallant man in a fairy-tale would do. Over the top stuff. If ya happened to be a woman not AWAKE, then what he did at your start seemed wonderful. If you were a woman a little wake, ya thought it was odd. If you were a woman more than a little awake and working to become very awake, then you saw everything he did to really be about him, and that you were just a character in his pattern, and that your situation with him, was really just one of many. All the same, with the same endings and beginnings.
I was only just, really, starting to recognize such profound patterns, in my own self as I danced with others.
He grew up in DRUNK. The 60's. Everything cool and free. But abandon by his Father; one day he just did not come back home. Men came into his wrecked home, drugs and rock'n roll. Not stable was his zone.
His art workings: his poetry, his story telling, his design work, his sculpture, his cooking - all of his creative flows, were sensitive and wonderful. He was editor of major mags. He was Chef of fancy places. He was caregiver of disabled Beings. He was sensitive and sweet and tormented.
I identified with MarcStBer on a very deep level. And felt guilty as well. For some time after his Father abandoned him, his Dad came into my life. The tallest man I'd ever met, he and his new wife of then, became instant family members. (But no one knew of his horrible CHOICE)
I've loved his Father for what now feels like my entire life, since some where about 6 or 7.
This, both loving and horrible truth, brought us together at the Father's passing. It brought us together creatively and emotionally, and tormentively. My identification with him, was deep and in part was sick and therefore brought up sick and CRAZY and also loving and true sadness.
I'd been alone for way too long. First step taken out of my shell, landed me right smack into facing MY CRAZY! As an "unconscious" gift to myself, I suppose. Here Pieces take a real look see, are you truly CRAZY? I show you HIM, he is CRAZY - come feel it for real!!! FACE IT PIECES, are you really CRAZY??
Alone I was again, while in a "relationship." Phone calls, IM's were our connections made. The CRAZY I felt, that I went thru, was really all my own Mind Stuff. I was fighting with myself, all the many parts of me, including the rational one, the KNOWING. But she wasn't strong enough yet. I still at that time, was feeling someone else's WAVES and hadn't really found my own, but only had begun to realize that they were indeed there. After having been alone for so long, things got crazy fast. I was scared and so was he, and he was lying, HE WAS DRINKING. I didn't know. Took almost everything he said as real, until I started to notice that nothing connected, the ups and the downs, were fast up and dropping back down too faster for me. Everything sounded convincing. It was painful and most scary and then he totally disappeared.
God awful, how did or had his family members coped with this for all of his years!??!!!?
While disappeared, a brother called me, mad that I had been his Brother's Girl. Don't you know that AA folks aren't supposed to get or be involved? Yes I told Him!!! I had so stated this to his brother, over and over again, when I'd FINALLY figured out, with the help of my local friends, that he had been drinking our entire time.
MarcStBer had lied to the both of us. Over and over and over again. We found that out on the phone. I learned the lesson of Drunk'n Lies and everyone not knowing what is really going on.
God awful, how did or had his family members coped with this for all of his years!??!!!?
One day while in the car together, some "Bums" were standing on a line. He looked away from me and told me how he identified with all of them. Been homeless countless of times. Had been "homeless" all of his life. That comment burns inside my heart, for he was found almost dead in the street, all alone.
In coma is where he stayed. Body just a shell from all his drinking.
Step-Mom 1 had to make that dreaded CHOICE.
*Pieces there was really nothing there. He'd destroyed his Body total. Nothing functioned as it should. He'd been numb from the waist down only a few months before. And in the hospital the Doc told him: Stop your drinking or you WILL DIE. He stopped for a short while.
But now here is where he lays.
After his Mother passed away from her Cancer, we were all just waiting for his passing. And here it was in front of me. My Choice to make it final, but he'd already done ALL the work.*
He's Dead. He's Gone. His Art is silent.
About three weeks ago, HE CAME into my MIND. Out of nowhere I did feel him, his presence all surrounding me. I felt a feel of THANKS for Trying, but kind of fluffed it off. But it had been odd and stuck with me.
To then find out this news, was heart breaking all on it's very own. But then to remember this fleeting moment when Something visited with me in that same period of time. The word I use here is Wow! But my feelings are of course much more profound.
I promise to do things differently. For his CHOICE, to die is my ultimate fear. To feel left out, shut out, alone and to be found dead in my own street. He died just as he so stated he would. I think THIS is his final Gift to me, from him. I have CHOICE, JUST LIKE HE.
I'LL MAKE MINE DIFFERENTLY.
Goodbye Dearest Marco.
PLEASE.... I hope your CHOICE, has found you the PEACE you SO did SEEK.
Humbled by the CHOICE
Pieces of Oh So Saddened Parts
The romance started fast and furiously, and what could take months with someone healthy, took no time at all. And before you knew it, he was showing you not only his full colors, but his full CRAZY in drunk spirit. And because you had shown him that you were interested, he felt it only natural to be too comfortable, too fast, to the point of total uncomfortableness, and overwhelming worry.
MarcStBer's need for DRAMA was constant. He didn't know how to live without it. I thought it was my WAVES, but it was his. Mine didn't really have enough time to breath. I was riding HARD on his waves, and his waves were moving faster than anything I'd ever encountered.
I was going CRAZY. I was getting very scared. I was thinking that it was me. Until I finally saw, it wasn't.
What it was, was My first REAL introduction to BiPolar and total Alcoholism first hand, and all in one.
But even MarcStBer, in his state of being, had no problem letting me believe that I was the one that was crazy.
Our outer-dependents and inner torments fed each other, VERY VERY VERY WELL.
I knew his upbringing. Heard about it for years by the time we re-met. On my own, I figured out his patterns. Before things got crazy between us, we'd talked about it.
As a grown man I could see his reoccurring Life pattern. Now I was getting his Insiders Scoop. It told me of his very crazy indeed, upbringing. His acts spoke loud, as his words got mad at me for seeing his truth.
His Dad abandoned his Mother and his just arrived brother. MarcStBer spent his life, trying to save his "mother" over and over again. Each time he met a woman he wanted to SAVE her. He did all the moves that a gallant man in a fairy-tale would do. Over the top stuff. If ya happened to be a woman not AWAKE, then what he did at your start seemed wonderful. If you were a woman a little wake, ya thought it was odd. If you were a woman more than a little awake and working to become very awake, then you saw everything he did to really be about him, and that you were just a character in his pattern, and that your situation with him, was really just one of many. All the same, with the same endings and beginnings.
I was only just, really, starting to recognize such profound patterns, in my own self as I danced with others.
He grew up in DRUNK. The 60's. Everything cool and free. But abandon by his Father; one day he just did not come back home. Men came into his wrecked home, drugs and rock'n roll. Not stable was his zone.
His art workings: his poetry, his story telling, his design work, his sculpture, his cooking - all of his creative flows, were sensitive and wonderful. He was editor of major mags. He was Chef of fancy places. He was caregiver of disabled Beings. He was sensitive and sweet and tormented.
I identified with MarcStBer on a very deep level. And felt guilty as well. For some time after his Father abandoned him, his Dad came into my life. The tallest man I'd ever met, he and his new wife of then, became instant family members. (But no one knew of his horrible CHOICE)
I've loved his Father for what now feels like my entire life, since some where about 6 or 7.
This, both loving and horrible truth, brought us together at the Father's passing. It brought us together creatively and emotionally, and tormentively. My identification with him, was deep and in part was sick and therefore brought up sick and CRAZY and also loving and true sadness.
I'd been alone for way too long. First step taken out of my shell, landed me right smack into facing MY CRAZY! As an "unconscious" gift to myself, I suppose. Here Pieces take a real look see, are you truly CRAZY? I show you HIM, he is CRAZY - come feel it for real!!! FACE IT PIECES, are you really CRAZY??
Alone I was again, while in a "relationship." Phone calls, IM's were our connections made. The CRAZY I felt, that I went thru, was really all my own Mind Stuff. I was fighting with myself, all the many parts of me, including the rational one, the KNOWING. But she wasn't strong enough yet. I still at that time, was feeling someone else's WAVES and hadn't really found my own, but only had begun to realize that they were indeed there. After having been alone for so long, things got crazy fast. I was scared and so was he, and he was lying, HE WAS DRINKING. I didn't know. Took almost everything he said as real, until I started to notice that nothing connected, the ups and the downs, were fast up and dropping back down too faster for me. Everything sounded convincing. It was painful and most scary and then he totally disappeared.
God awful, how did or had his family members coped with this for all of his years!??!!!?
While disappeared, a brother called me, mad that I had been his Brother's Girl. Don't you know that AA folks aren't supposed to get or be involved? Yes I told Him!!! I had so stated this to his brother, over and over again, when I'd FINALLY figured out, with the help of my local friends, that he had been drinking our entire time.
MarcStBer had lied to the both of us. Over and over and over again. We found that out on the phone. I learned the lesson of Drunk'n Lies and everyone not knowing what is really going on.
God awful, how did or had his family members coped with this for all of his years!??!!!?
One day while in the car together, some "Bums" were standing on a line. He looked away from me and told me how he identified with all of them. Been homeless countless of times. Had been "homeless" all of his life. That comment burns inside my heart, for he was found almost dead in the street, all alone.
In coma is where he stayed. Body just a shell from all his drinking.
Step-Mom 1 had to make that dreaded CHOICE.
*Pieces there was really nothing there. He'd destroyed his Body total. Nothing functioned as it should. He'd been numb from the waist down only a few months before. And in the hospital the Doc told him: Stop your drinking or you WILL DIE. He stopped for a short while.
But now here is where he lays.
After his Mother passed away from her Cancer, we were all just waiting for his passing. And here it was in front of me. My Choice to make it final, but he'd already done ALL the work.*
He's Dead. He's Gone. His Art is silent.
About three weeks ago, HE CAME into my MIND. Out of nowhere I did feel him, his presence all surrounding me. I felt a feel of THANKS for Trying, but kind of fluffed it off. But it had been odd and stuck with me.
To then find out this news, was heart breaking all on it's very own. But then to remember this fleeting moment when Something visited with me in that same period of time. The word I use here is Wow! But my feelings are of course much more profound.
I promise to do things differently. For his CHOICE, to die is my ultimate fear. To feel left out, shut out, alone and to be found dead in my own street. He died just as he so stated he would. I think THIS is his final Gift to me, from him. I have CHOICE, JUST LIKE HE.
I'LL MAKE MINE DIFFERENTLY.
Goodbye Dearest Marco.
PLEASE.... I hope your CHOICE, has found you the PEACE you SO did SEEK.
Humbled by the CHOICE
Pieces of Oh So Saddened Parts
posted by Pieces Of Parts at Saturday, November 12, 2005
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home