Sister to Sister of Sisters
To Spirit-Sister:
This is what my sister's response was to the two letters I sent her:
Pieces
It was a busy and complex day for us all. I didn't really connect with anyone and rather understood my job as working to make sure that all of The Mother’s friends understood the family appreciated their effort to come. That's the way it generally works when you are, in some sense, the host. Had I been able to stick around on Sunday, that would have been a better day. Another time, with any luck in the not too distant future.
xox
sister
***********************************************
After being totally shocked, but not, by her response, I slept on my feelings and found some this morning.
I want your opinion again Spirit-Sister. I feel a tiny bit gun shy right this minute.
While writing the 6th line of text a feeling came over me, and I started to listen to Tolle. The part I listened to when dealing with Biker and KitCat.
My sister is unconscious to some degree. Her boundaries are up high and her actions speak volumes. KNOWING all this.... I can not and will not try to get her to see my feelings. The feeling that came over me was one of "excepting her as she is" but also needing to express myself and my feelings.
I think I have now done what I needed to do for me. And I need to move on from this space. I have to trust my KNOWING here Spirit-Sister. OMG I've been so f*cking right on target about everything else that had no words when I was a kid!! I must trust all that now, with my sister.
So here is what I wrote, I have not sent it:
Sister,
I was talking about a basic and very simple Hello.
The courtesy one would give to anyone at a seminar, party, or any organized event. One would give it to the caterer even. Including the cleanup crew. And most likely the doorman.
This event was a little more than just an organized event, it was a "family" gathering of a very special sort. We have shared a unique upbringing. This event was organized superbly, by one of our families, extended family members.
None of that has anything really, to do with what I am mentioning to you privately, here.
I am talking about showing to me the same courtesy, you showed your other extended family members, and the people helping to allow all things to run rather smoothly that day. That is all.
I respect the way you were looking at the event and what you felt you were supposed to be doing as being apart of it. I hope you had a nice time and I know, from what you stated after the evening dinner, you felt much. Your words were wonderful, and I dittoed them, while too emotional to speak my own self.
hugs,
Pieces
**********************************************
What say you?
and.....THANK YOU (((Spirit-Sister)))
---------\--------/-----@
From Spirit-Sister:
Hi Pieces,
I think you're right in going with your Knowing. She will only be able to see to the level of her ability; I don't think it's helpful to try to get her to see more.
I suggest sending the last paragraph only. This is a respectful and gentle response- it shows that you really heard her and makes it "safe" for her to continue to communicate with you. I think you're right on target regarding her very high boundaries. The last paragraph gives her a chance to lower them a bit. Anything more than that may feel to her like an attack (esp. given the sucker-punching pattern that your parents sometimes use), which would only reinforce her need of the high boundaries. At least, that is my take on it.
Also, it seems she has some resentment of her role as Host (Caretaker, Person who is responsible for everything Going Well, the One who Pulls It together). My guess is that this is targeted towards your parents, and maybe you got caught in the crosshairs? I don't know, but there is some definate hostility towards what appeared to be a draining and unwelcome act that she felt compelled to put on.
Right on, sister. It is so awe-inspiring to see you really activate all that you're working on, putting into Real Life and going with it!!! Thanks for passing on what Shrink said about me- that was very cool. :D
Hugs,
Spirit-Sister
---------\--------/-----@
To Spirit-Sister:
OMG!
“This is a respectful and gentle response- it shows that you really heard her and makes it "safe" for her to continue to communicate with you. I think you're right on target regarding her very high boundaries. The last paragraph gives her a chance to lower them a bit. Anything more than that may feel to her like an attack (esp. given the sucker-punching pattern that your parents sometimes use), which would only reinforce her need of the high boundaries. At least, that is my take on it.”
“Also, it seems she has some resentment of her role as Host (Caretaker, Person who is responsible for everything Going Well, the One who Pulls It together). My guess is that this is targeted towards your parents, and maybe you got caught in the crosshairs?”
Do you see yourself Spirit-Sister?
OMG, you give me such insight and goose bumps!! You gotta let me use both your letters on this exchange on my blog!!
This has just been incredible! You seeing things as my sister just might, cause I "know" you feeling some of the same!
This is where our Knitting Book will come from Spirit-Sister, this stuff!!
You are more than right. I feel to be honest, that what she did, is what SHE WAS TAUGHT TO DO, with me.
They don't SEE me, and nor does she. And this really showed it to me! The dumping ground. Or in the real case history of my kin, THE INVISIBLE ONE.
But you are so right, even the top part of my last letter, is a sucker-punch and part of Ego. Both of which are not my intentions. They are my feelings, but NOT my intentions. And will not work to get what I really want, which is creating a Safe Place for her and me to land upon.
Wow you are just too too too wonderful!
And you say you don't know how you feel?????? Give me a break!! You KNOW how you feel Spirit-Sister.... well, at least like me, you are Being the Watcher, and doing your Listening and your Work, and Practicing thru the processes of being my most wonderful honest and insightful FRIEND = Spirit-Sister!!!
Goodness I am so totally blown away!!
The work is hard and grueling at times, but OMG is it ever freaking worth it!!!!
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!
Love ya,
Pieces
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi
RIGHT F*CKING ON!!!!
---------\--------/-----@
From Spirit-Sister:
To LOL! Oh, it is so so SO much easier to see the dynamics from the outside! I can empathize, but when it's ME who is involved I have a MUCH harder time feeling/seeing. But we are a very good team, supporting each other, yes? Because believe me, you do the same for me as well. :)
You know, the cool thing about what is going on with you, from my perspective, is that you are actively showing your sister that you want to and can interact with her as friends, as sisters, as equals. This breaks the pattern of your family- you being invisible, you being the "sick" one who needs someone to care for you as a child. Since that has been your role, and apparently Sister feels like she is a caretaker for your parents, too (or at least seemed to feel that way over the weekend), you are truly DEMONSTRATING the break in that pattern to her. She doesn't need to "take care" of you as a "sick" person- you are able to communicate with her on a different level. You are doing this all on your own, making your own CHOICES, and opening up possibilities that she might not have seen before. She might not see them yet, but as you keep this going with her I am SURE she will. You are making it safe for her to open up to you, because you are safe enough within yourself to take these risks. I am sure this is all terrifying for you, but if you weren't safe enough within yourself, you wouldn't be able to do it. That you are doing it shows just how much you are growing, ya know?
Let me tell you, it's really an inspiring view from my perspective.
Of course, feel free to use the letters on your blog. :)
Much love,
Spirit-Sister
---------\--------/-----@
To Spirit-Sister:
OMG Spirit-Sister, I'm in tears.
You are so right, you see so much. I am so humbled.
If i am or have been as silent, and as sickly as I have thought I was - so Crazy - then you are SO very right, about all that you just said. I've made the first step and will continue to do the next BILLION!
And yes I am more than scared, I am utterly terrified!!
But in there is my quote below:
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi
I need change. I need to know that the WORK I have done has been for something better, for real CHANGE.
Especially now with knowing the news of MarcStBer. It just is PUSHING me right now, to choose to make the changes..... for me, for my life............... so that I don't die in the "street" of Life, alone.
OMG, I'm wonderfully emotional.
After lunch I'm really gonna toss some major too-long-keeping-shit-OUT OF HERE!!
LOVE YOU TONS!
PIECES
P.S. My sister is much like you in that she is seriously quick with her words! THAT will be my greatest challenge...... IN PERSON.
not gonna think about it right now...... :::::: shudder ::::::
---------\--------/-----@
From Spirit-Sister:
"OMG, I'm wonderfully emotional."
How right you are, Pieces!!! Shrinkness swears to me that the conversations you are working on with your sister get easier with practice! I am not working as quickly as you are in incorporating what I am learning into Real Life...but even for me, it is getting easier. In fact, just being able to have this email conversation is helping/showing me how to do it. We are working to make it so together, for both of us. Sisters indeed!!!!
:)
Spirit-Sister
---------\--------/-----@
From Spirit-Sister:
Subject: Talking in Person
You know, one thing that Shrinkness has helped me to see is that once I am clear on my feelings, I am better able to accept them and deal with them appropriately, and thus communicate more effectively. My lack of self-knowledge, my inability to recognize my own feelings, has really gotten me into trouble, because what I've done is project my anger onto others, and then acted defensively.
Actually, this is what I have been doing with AHunk. I still haven't just come clean and told him that I need more communication. Instead I've just pushed it off and "lost interest" in him. And then, I've returned to the "comfort" of ExL, who is getting better... but still hasn't really crossed the line where he is committed to his recovery. So I sit now in limbo, not really talking to either guy. You see how I am able to just kick up dust and "avoid" dealing with things (actually just letting them stagnate which will lead to even worse outcomes). Except now I *know* what I am doing...and I think I, too, need to follow Gandhi's words.
Anyway, I just wanted to say this, because as you get clearer and clearer and continue to deal with the emotions kicked up in your family, you WILL be able to talk "quickly" with Sister. It is not a matter of ability- you won't need to be one step ahead of her, because you will be clear on where you're coming from and you will be able to see the patterns of where SHE is coming from. Your parents may be more difficult because they are the "root cause", but even with them you have made significant advances. So I second your plan to not think about it now. You will be good when the opportunity arises. This is all a process, right?
Okay, I really do need to get to work...but what we are talking about is so interesting!!!! And GOOD for US!!!!!
Much love,
Spirit-Sister
---------\--------/-----@
To Spirit-Sister:
“Okay, I really do need to get to work...but what we are talking about is so interesting!!!! And GOOD for US!!!!!”
I feel the same way too!
And you are right in what you say...... to be continued....... Love you, have a good rest of the day Spirit-Sister!
Much love and yummies,
Pieces
Final eLetter sent to my Loved Sister:
Sister,
I respect the way you were looking at the event and what you felt you were supposed to be doing as being apart of it. I hope you had a nice time and I know, from what you stated after the evening dinner, you felt much. Your words were wonderful, and I dittoed them, while too emotional to speak my own self at that time.
Hugs,
Pieces
This is what my sister's response was to the two letters I sent her:
Pieces
It was a busy and complex day for us all. I didn't really connect with anyone and rather understood my job as working to make sure that all of The Mother’s friends understood the family appreciated their effort to come. That's the way it generally works when you are, in some sense, the host. Had I been able to stick around on Sunday, that would have been a better day. Another time, with any luck in the not too distant future.
xox
sister
***********************************************
After being totally shocked, but not, by her response, I slept on my feelings and found some this morning.
I want your opinion again Spirit-Sister. I feel a tiny bit gun shy right this minute.
While writing the 6th line of text a feeling came over me, and I started to listen to Tolle. The part I listened to when dealing with Biker and KitCat.
My sister is unconscious to some degree. Her boundaries are up high and her actions speak volumes. KNOWING all this.... I can not and will not try to get her to see my feelings. The feeling that came over me was one of "excepting her as she is" but also needing to express myself and my feelings.
I think I have now done what I needed to do for me. And I need to move on from this space. I have to trust my KNOWING here Spirit-Sister. OMG I've been so f*cking right on target about everything else that had no words when I was a kid!! I must trust all that now, with my sister.
So here is what I wrote, I have not sent it:
Sister,
I was talking about a basic and very simple Hello.
The courtesy one would give to anyone at a seminar, party, or any organized event. One would give it to the caterer even. Including the cleanup crew. And most likely the doorman.
This event was a little more than just an organized event, it was a "family" gathering of a very special sort. We have shared a unique upbringing. This event was organized superbly, by one of our families, extended family members.
None of that has anything really, to do with what I am mentioning to you privately, here.
I am talking about showing to me the same courtesy, you showed your other extended family members, and the people helping to allow all things to run rather smoothly that day. That is all.
I respect the way you were looking at the event and what you felt you were supposed to be doing as being apart of it. I hope you had a nice time and I know, from what you stated after the evening dinner, you felt much. Your words were wonderful, and I dittoed them, while too emotional to speak my own self.
hugs,
Pieces
**********************************************
What say you?
and.....THANK YOU (((Spirit-Sister)))
---------\--------/-----@
From Spirit-Sister:
Hi Pieces,
I think you're right in going with your Knowing. She will only be able to see to the level of her ability; I don't think it's helpful to try to get her to see more.
I suggest sending the last paragraph only. This is a respectful and gentle response- it shows that you really heard her and makes it "safe" for her to continue to communicate with you. I think you're right on target regarding her very high boundaries. The last paragraph gives her a chance to lower them a bit. Anything more than that may feel to her like an attack (esp. given the sucker-punching pattern that your parents sometimes use), which would only reinforce her need of the high boundaries. At least, that is my take on it.
Also, it seems she has some resentment of her role as Host (Caretaker, Person who is responsible for everything Going Well, the One who Pulls It together). My guess is that this is targeted towards your parents, and maybe you got caught in the crosshairs? I don't know, but there is some definate hostility towards what appeared to be a draining and unwelcome act that she felt compelled to put on.
Right on, sister. It is so awe-inspiring to see you really activate all that you're working on, putting into Real Life and going with it!!! Thanks for passing on what Shrink said about me- that was very cool. :D
Hugs,
Spirit-Sister
---------\--------/-----@
To Spirit-Sister:
OMG!
“This is a respectful and gentle response- it shows that you really heard her and makes it "safe" for her to continue to communicate with you. I think you're right on target regarding her very high boundaries. The last paragraph gives her a chance to lower them a bit. Anything more than that may feel to her like an attack (esp. given the sucker-punching pattern that your parents sometimes use), which would only reinforce her need of the high boundaries. At least, that is my take on it.”
“Also, it seems she has some resentment of her role as Host (Caretaker, Person who is responsible for everything Going Well, the One who Pulls It together). My guess is that this is targeted towards your parents, and maybe you got caught in the crosshairs?”
Do you see yourself Spirit-Sister?
OMG, you give me such insight and goose bumps!! You gotta let me use both your letters on this exchange on my blog!!
This has just been incredible! You seeing things as my sister just might, cause I "know" you feeling some of the same!
This is where our Knitting Book will come from Spirit-Sister, this stuff!!
You are more than right. I feel to be honest, that what she did, is what SHE WAS TAUGHT TO DO, with me.
They don't SEE me, and nor does she. And this really showed it to me! The dumping ground. Or in the real case history of my kin, THE INVISIBLE ONE.
But you are so right, even the top part of my last letter, is a sucker-punch and part of Ego. Both of which are not my intentions. They are my feelings, but NOT my intentions. And will not work to get what I really want, which is creating a Safe Place for her and me to land upon.
Wow you are just too too too wonderful!
And you say you don't know how you feel?????? Give me a break!! You KNOW how you feel Spirit-Sister.... well, at least like me, you are Being the Watcher, and doing your Listening and your Work, and Practicing thru the processes of being my most wonderful honest and insightful FRIEND = Spirit-Sister!!!
Goodness I am so totally blown away!!
The work is hard and grueling at times, but OMG is it ever freaking worth it!!!!
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!
Love ya,
Pieces
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi
RIGHT F*CKING ON!!!!
---------\--------/-----@
From Spirit-Sister:
To LOL! Oh, it is so so SO much easier to see the dynamics from the outside! I can empathize, but when it's ME who is involved I have a MUCH harder time feeling/seeing. But we are a very good team, supporting each other, yes? Because believe me, you do the same for me as well. :)
You know, the cool thing about what is going on with you, from my perspective, is that you are actively showing your sister that you want to and can interact with her as friends, as sisters, as equals. This breaks the pattern of your family- you being invisible, you being the "sick" one who needs someone to care for you as a child. Since that has been your role, and apparently Sister feels like she is a caretaker for your parents, too (or at least seemed to feel that way over the weekend), you are truly DEMONSTRATING the break in that pattern to her. She doesn't need to "take care" of you as a "sick" person- you are able to communicate with her on a different level. You are doing this all on your own, making your own CHOICES, and opening up possibilities that she might not have seen before. She might not see them yet, but as you keep this going with her I am SURE she will. You are making it safe for her to open up to you, because you are safe enough within yourself to take these risks. I am sure this is all terrifying for you, but if you weren't safe enough within yourself, you wouldn't be able to do it. That you are doing it shows just how much you are growing, ya know?
Let me tell you, it's really an inspiring view from my perspective.
Of course, feel free to use the letters on your blog. :)
Much love,
Spirit-Sister
---------\--------/-----@
To Spirit-Sister:
OMG Spirit-Sister, I'm in tears.
You are so right, you see so much. I am so humbled.
If i am or have been as silent, and as sickly as I have thought I was - so Crazy - then you are SO very right, about all that you just said. I've made the first step and will continue to do the next BILLION!
And yes I am more than scared, I am utterly terrified!!
But in there is my quote below:
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi
I need change. I need to know that the WORK I have done has been for something better, for real CHANGE.
Especially now with knowing the news of MarcStBer. It just is PUSHING me right now, to choose to make the changes..... for me, for my life............... so that I don't die in the "street" of Life, alone.
OMG, I'm wonderfully emotional.
After lunch I'm really gonna toss some major too-long-keeping-shit-OUT OF HERE!!
LOVE YOU TONS!
PIECES
P.S. My sister is much like you in that she is seriously quick with her words! THAT will be my greatest challenge...... IN PERSON.
not gonna think about it right now...... :::::: shudder ::::::
---------\--------/-----@
From Spirit-Sister:
"OMG, I'm wonderfully emotional."
How right you are, Pieces!!! Shrinkness swears to me that the conversations you are working on with your sister get easier with practice! I am not working as quickly as you are in incorporating what I am learning into Real Life...but even for me, it is getting easier. In fact, just being able to have this email conversation is helping/showing me how to do it. We are working to make it so together, for both of us. Sisters indeed!!!!
:)
Spirit-Sister
---------\--------/-----@
From Spirit-Sister:
Subject: Talking in Person
You know, one thing that Shrinkness has helped me to see is that once I am clear on my feelings, I am better able to accept them and deal with them appropriately, and thus communicate more effectively. My lack of self-knowledge, my inability to recognize my own feelings, has really gotten me into trouble, because what I've done is project my anger onto others, and then acted defensively.
Actually, this is what I have been doing with AHunk. I still haven't just come clean and told him that I need more communication. Instead I've just pushed it off and "lost interest" in him. And then, I've returned to the "comfort" of ExL, who is getting better... but still hasn't really crossed the line where he is committed to his recovery. So I sit now in limbo, not really talking to either guy. You see how I am able to just kick up dust and "avoid" dealing with things (actually just letting them stagnate which will lead to even worse outcomes). Except now I *know* what I am doing...and I think I, too, need to follow Gandhi's words.
Anyway, I just wanted to say this, because as you get clearer and clearer and continue to deal with the emotions kicked up in your family, you WILL be able to talk "quickly" with Sister. It is not a matter of ability- you won't need to be one step ahead of her, because you will be clear on where you're coming from and you will be able to see the patterns of where SHE is coming from. Your parents may be more difficult because they are the "root cause", but even with them you have made significant advances. So I second your plan to not think about it now. You will be good when the opportunity arises. This is all a process, right?
Okay, I really do need to get to work...but what we are talking about is so interesting!!!! And GOOD for US!!!!!
Much love,
Spirit-Sister
---------\--------/-----@
To Spirit-Sister:
“Okay, I really do need to get to work...but what we are talking about is so interesting!!!! And GOOD for US!!!!!”
I feel the same way too!
And you are right in what you say...... to be continued....... Love you, have a good rest of the day Spirit-Sister!
Much love and yummies,
Pieces
---------\--------/-----@
Final eLetter sent to my Loved Sister:
Sister,
I respect the way you were looking at the event and what you felt you were supposed to be doing as being apart of it. I hope you had a nice time and I know, from what you stated after the evening dinner, you felt much. Your words were wonderful, and I dittoed them, while too emotional to speak my own self at that time.
Hugs,
Pieces
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi
- Gandhi
---------------------------------------------\--------/-----@
Pieces of Parts
Pieces of Parts
posted by Pieces Of Parts at Wednesday, November 16, 2005
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