I'm NOT a Monster anymore!!

" wish I had a clue why I'm doing what I'm doing.
Its all been a bit odd. or perhaps I am just odd. "

ALL ABOUT ME


i love you dearly.
i am in the midst of realizing that my tears and pain are really old.
i am trying very hard to separate them from the ones of NOW, where you exist in my life.
i've been in a forest, unable to see the trees. i'm trying to see the trees, so i can get out of the forest.
there are things i have always wanted. the main one is a boyfriend i could call my own. and a daddy i could call my own too.
so much of what i have been working on, with you in my life, has to do with my relationship with my dad.
i knew, when i was alone for all those years, that the one thing i could not do on my desert island, was work on the problems i have with him. there was no man that i was letting in, more than the closeness that comes from a really good friendship.
B.W. has been my prelude to you and anyone that i let in from this point on, male or female. and JR is my prelude to my sister.
i have been very silent. afraid to speak my hearts feelings. that everyone and anyone's feelings and needs and wants come before mine. i now know, at this moment, that i said yes to things that i didn't want to say yes to, in order to be "cool" but mainly, not to be alone. that in many cases i thought saying yes to things i didn't want, would bring me what i did. instead and of course, NOW that i can see, it brought to me what it was supposed to. the moment i said yes to what i didn't want, i said no to what i did want. then comes out "crazy" then comes out "alone" from being "shut out" to it's inevitable ending of "monster." it's all my own dance, and a total repetition of the inner dance with my family, mainly my dad.
my constant tears right now, are for every time i wanted to be the guys girlfriend.
for every time i said no to me, and yes to them. for every time i put myself thru this same dance. for every time i got nothingness from my dad. for every time i created a monster in order to feel safe. i have been consistent in all my lover relationships. i have been consistent with all the same sorts of men. even 10 years after having no one any where near me, i got the same thing, by my own consistency. i have had the same relationships with my folks, because i have been consistent, for the most part. and most importantly now, i have been consistent with me.
i am finally feeling all of it. and i will be owning it all as well.

some where within all this consistency i did do many things with you in my life, differently. in having chosen to do things out of awake choice, i saw my actions clearly. or they became clear faster. the choice i made to be alone for all those years, was for this moment in time. when I would find the answers i so desperately seeked and needed to know.

the pattern where much of my consistency comes from, is my mothers constant "position" with my father.
as Shrink so perfectly called it; her role has been to "hold the spotlight" on my father. being the supporting role in his movie. that that is how she sees herself and how he sees her role in his life. and i believe that that is also how he sees the roles of his two daughters as well.

so that is what I grew up around, that is what they taught me, that is what i have been doing. i have been the supporting role in all of my lovers lives, holding the spotlight on them, moving it when they move and keeping the supporting role going, until they are healed and able to go lead their own lives better than before they met me.

this is the Martyr role i was taught as being the thing i was supposed to do, that my mother is still doing and that my father is still expecting her and all of us to be doing for him. Make him look good in the eyes of others, never mind what happens to us, it's all about him.

I haven't had any idea why I kept doing the same thing over and over and over again. I just did it automatically. As if that has been all that I was put on this planet to do. That nothing about me, and or what I wanted was important or rather "good enough" to be apart of the picture being created.

I see all of it now. Both large layers and small ones, down to the ones that wrap around my own every day world.

The ramifications of this "spotlight" position has been devastating to my hearts desires, and my life's supportive needs.

I will spend the rest of my life, trying to put my own self in my own spotlight, while finding the balance and healthiness that I know can be found with friends and an intimate partner. On more than one occasion, you showed me that I am more than capable of having, and participating, and enduring, such a venture. Those times were gifts to a heart that totally believed that such things were only possible for others. Or that such relationships could only happen when ALL was "fixed," within me.

I have been a total work in progress. I am really beginning to feel and know it, in it's total right now, with each day that passes.

I am feeling and seeing the outcome of the spotlight role. I have been feeling like a nothing without a something, or a someone to hold up, help and heal. I can feel, at this very moment, the confusion within me of what I am supposed to be doing, with the deeper inner struggle of someone with in that wants to come out.

I am struggling with a little person within that is absolutely terrified of speaking. That each time I put forth to you an e-mail of truth, I am horrified of getting yelled at for doing so. Every single time I see an e-mail in my mail box, my entire body "freaks out."

When you so emotionally, left your commas out between your words, you showed to me, what I expected. What I know! What my little girl learned to know, and fell silent because of. My tears and Body responses that day were numbing with expectedness.

When you responded to your understanding, that I had taken in, as fact, your having told me to fuck off, you jumped to say to me:

" I cannot imagine a situation where you
would ever merit that harsh a response
certainly not from me. "

I knew then, that THAT was the support you had given to me,in it's purest of form. Your support, only in part, took that understanding about how my life was supposed to be, and nurtured it. The rest of our relationship was another part of my own horrible truth, that I am just the supportive role in someone else's life.

I have been now struggling with ALL sorts of truths. Each and every one scary and heart wrenching, and old and safe, and I can feel that I am in the midst of getting out of my own way. Getting out of the role I took on to totally keep me safe from my big Monster, my God, my Dad. Which I see now, as having been the main reason, I've kept all sorts of men out. And others close to heart as dear dear friends, only.

The truth about everything is right in front of everyone.

The truth is within the consistency of the daily actions taken,
of the reoccurring grand relationship consistency of cycles.

That total truth, is totally humbling in it's truest most perfect form.
The little child within, that got hurt, and expressed it's feelings as it only could,
and got yelled at for doing so,
then had no words by which to express it's feelings,
and
so
fell silent.

And did what it was told,
and became the
super supportive role.

The spotlight holder.
& really
nothing more.

seen but not heard
and
maybe
not even seen
and
then just
forgotten.

I know for me, sitting here, in this space and at this time, that I will only get what I truly want, by moving the focus of the spotlight from where it has always been. Anything else, will just keep me consistent, in holding the spotlight on someone else.
I have no freaking clue as to what it means to not be in the supportive role. It's VERY scary to be stepping out of my life long comfort zone.

But my KNOWING knows,
I have already been stepping out of my
not so comfortable anymore, comfort zone,
by doing things OH SO truly differently.



I love you.
Pieces of Parts

Martyr-Woman & Martyr-Man

Spirit-Sister,

I rolled over in bed this morning, in deep conversation, words coming out of my mouth as I rolled and woke up. Continued to roll myself all the way out of bed and followed where I was being led to. My MacG4, to New Document, hands on keyboard and TYPE out said thoughts on last nights mind blowing conversation on being a Martyr.

When I am in that space, I am numb.
When I am not in that space, I am ALIVE. And yeah, in my NOW.

The numbness to me, feels like a "high." My body feels warm and toasty. And in many ways I feel "better than." I am thinking in terms of "I can show him or her, what they are doing wrong or right (mostly wrong)."

In my case let's say with my Mother. There is a strong part of me that believes, that she sent me to Shrink's offices, so that I would do the work and then learn it all. When learned, I would then come and heal our entire family. But for the most part, she and my Dad. And really, my Dad, thru giving advice to my Mom about what to do about and with my Dad.

I think, that is why you recognized, the HOSTESS in my sister's actions up in NYC just now.
She was playing HER taught roll in our family set up. When she is playing hostess, she is being her sense of Martyr!

I think Biker is Martyr, to all the woman he gets involved with. Wether I like it or not, I "needed" help with ShopOwner. He saw that and Martyr-Man came to the rescue. CoolBabe needed help, Martyr-Man to the rescue. You eventually needed help, Martyr-Man was there.

I do believe Biker is running around in his world helping his Mom over and over again. I saw that in MarcStBer. I think that is very common, just like I know I'm seeing my Dad in Biker. And if I look back, I'll probably end up seeing him in most if not all the others, on some level or another. Certainly the non-presence part of him!!!

At any rate, as long as Biker is playing his Martyr-Man roll, he's "not accountable for his actions." Even if many of them don't make any sense to him, and he too feels the numbness. But remember the outer feeling of that numbness, is a high.

I will bet you, that when you are in that space of asking of yourself that you need to buckle down and get these feelings under control, that you are being the Martyr to your own self.

I will bet you are in the space I call, walking on one of those bridges in the old Tarzan movies. They were very thin, wooden pieces (many of which are missing), tied all together by rope. The handle bars were also rope. And the rope was then wrapped around two huge trees at either end of the sides of earth, that the bridge was up over to cross over what man couldn't really cross over. This came to me in a dream, while in the midst of KitKat time.

I am and have been walking over that sort of bridge since Biker brought KitKat into my life. That time is a symbol for me. At that point in time, I started to really work on Me, alone, and to struggle between being the Martyr-Woman I'd been, and who I'd also been working in Shrink's office to become. So ever since then, I have been walking on one of them bridges. Period.

Because the feeling of being on that bridge is like being on a motorcycle. I get to feel Martyr-Woman for what it really is. And for me, my Bodies reaction to it, is feeling that high, which is really the numbness, which is really me not caring about my own feelings first. And what doesn't help, is that I don't know what my feelings are, because I have been taking care of everyone else's and KNOW their needs far better than I KNOW my own.

See it???

So in part what I am saying to you here, is that when you feel really uncomfortable, YOU for Sister-Spirit, are in the RIGHT space. You will be in your NOW every time you feel that way!!!

As soon as you start trying to get your ducks in one row, you will be Martyr-Woman, and not in your NOW, and not caring and learning to love yourself.


Last point.

I believe that this is all why, the sensation within me for these past few months since Biker has been shutting me out, has been to focus in on me. As uncomfortable as it is being on this wooden planked bridge, with only thin ropes holding it up, it is far more PRESENT, and NOW, and REAL to me. I'd rather NOW, be on it, than not.
So the more I stayed on it, the more I could either let go of Biker, and or let him in more if the relationship went that way. Either way, he owns his own world, and I own mine. (I did not know that then, only finding that out NOW)

I am doing that right now. I am still on the wooden bridge. Honestly, I don't know if I'll ever get off of it. But my life is sure to be filled with more self love, more realness, more me doing what I need and want to do for me. All of which are coming to me in the form of finally listening to me, thru the actions taken of facing the things I fear the absolute MOST.

I have to watch out for my biggest and most deepest drug of choice. And that is ANGER.
Anger keeps me hiding. And it keeps my relationships at bay and me "not accountable for my actions." I am still mad at my sister for what she did to me in NYC. Even tho I wrote her those letters, I suddenly found myself still very angry at her yesterday and realized that the drug of choice was and had been in full high for a while now.

The lessons are every where Spirit-Sister.

I want you to KNOW, to KNOW Spirit-Sister..... you are NOT alone. This time, above all others, you are NOT ALONE. You do really in truly have a Sister-Ship with me that is working and hard and here for you!!!!!
Do not allow that part of you that feels you even need to be Martyr-Woman to and with me!!

Remind yourself, I have one of you in my blood. And that I personally am looking at the wooden planked, missing pieces, roped bridge in all the people I adore and love dearly.
I have always been in this space, I just was taking care of others and not seeing it, and now I am. Remind yourself of that Spirit-Sister.

...and call when you feel the want to.


One last point, sad one too: As I suddenly see it now, Biker has cut himself off, pretty much, from getting the mirroring he was getting from even just the two of us down here. So of course, without such constant support, one goes back to what one knows how to do, and is comfortable doing. I don't know if that is true for him, but that is what I heard on the phone.

That is very sad making for me. And that is why for now, it is VERY hard for me, to pick up the phone. I SO don't want to hear the old recordings, especially after having witnessed him seeing his own wooden planked bridge.

It is SO important to have good and healthy and honest and REAL support!!
OMG is it ever!
I hope one day soon, he allows himself to have it again, and maybe even truly keep it around him, in good health.




Wow, I didn't know I felt or knew all this! lol

Who'd of freaking thought!
Give up the control and get some real feelings and know-hows!
Wow.


Love you Spirit-Sister.
Drink hot tea all day long.....................yeah while at work!!!

Hugs,
Pieces of Parts
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi (IT JUST ROCKS!)

FINALLY MY FEELINGS have WORDS!

A letter to ALL my "Boyfriends."


" I have been real about my feelings and my desires, if you went other places with them then dont blame me. "

As stated above your quote here. You helped me to go to other places. You knew I was in them other spaces, and had been. I have been as real about my feelings and my desires as you.

I sent you MY feelings Biker. Wasn't trying to sound as if I was blaming you for my feeling as I do. I take full ownership of them all.


A part of me was very satisfied with what you chose to give to me, when that was gone, then there was nothing. I haven't been getting much out of our relationship, friendship alone or otherwise, for quite some time now. I was getting more of everything from folks I don't even know that well, in comparison to what we, together had been deeming to be our own love affair or mixed up friendship.

What you chose to give to me, and what is and has been gone.

You supporting me.
Talking to me,
Sharing your days with me.
Sharing your written words with me.
Sharing your photography with me.
Sharing your intimate feelings with me.

This is the first e-mail you have sent to me in just ages!!!

Whether it was Boyfriend syndrome or Intimate friendship syndrome, it was better than what I've ever gotten before. So it was a lot. Without any one of those things, there is just nothing. It just became same.

Then I felt like a storage unit, that was free.
Then I felt like a sounding board for when you felt lonely and unwanted by others.
Then I felt like a free place to stay, cause ya had no money or other offerings.
Then I felt like just a voice on the other end of the phone line.
Then I felt left out of everything that was important to you.
Then I felt that everyone was way more important than me, and you couldn't talk or share any feelings what so ever with me, which is what you gave to me on our very first day of meeting.
And then there was just really nothing.

I didn't want to be buttered up cause you were passing thru town on your way to your real destination.
I didn't want to be just a stop over.
I didn't want to be just a laundry mat.
And I didn't want to be just any ol fuck.

But I did. And I have been feeling that way, more and more since you came back from MS.


It's raw, but that is what I have been feeling like, with next to nothing coming to me, from you, that I wanted. With seemingly you, still getting from me what you wanted and needed. In the end, I have been feeling like a free storage unit, and nothing more, not even a friend, and certainly not a lover of any sort.

With all of that nothingness, you then tell me about NewNorth.

So there is even more of nothing for me now. And that is the space where I have been in, facing my very own hurt feelings, and trying to move thru them, differently.


Pieces of Parts

A Father's Chosen Behavior?

OMG how long am I supposed to sit there on the phone and listen to him go on and on and on and on and onnnnnnnn...........................

About all the friends and all the places and all the things he's seen and done. And all the things he doesn't remember that I have been in his presence for.

What next is going to come out of his mouth that is all about him, telling me all about things and people I've met, been with, talked to, taken part in fancy affairs, bought tickets and cloths for the event, and pictures taken, airplane rides of 7 hours or more. Rides in cars down country and city roads. In this country and that one, in this state or even that other one.
Is he going to tell me about the time he ran out of gas, and he sat by the side of the road and a cow came by and offered him a ride. And I was there all along?

It's not an old age thing, it's how he treats his beloved Pieces thing. He made some choice, some god dam choice and no matter what I've done, I am not seen nor heard.

My invisibility is EVERY FUCKING WHERE!
Being seen and not heard is EVERY FUCKING WHERE!

Even within little cute me.
Only now am I finding my words, and my feelings.
Oh god does THIS ever hurt!!!!

I screamed at him. I screamed at my Father!!
I screamed at him as he tried, one more time, to start to tell me about an event that just took place, where he had no idea I'D BEEN RIGHT THERE WITH HIM.

The entire time on the phone this time, I was separate. I was listening. But I was NOT OWNING.
I was listening to the sound of his voice. Monochrome. A few ups and downs, some ups from his own self provoked giggles, but basically one tone.
One story moved to the next one. With almost no hesitation in between each one.
No real asking me of questions or comments to be made that he would have listened to. No, he was talking to himself really. I was just the bouncing board. I could have sailed the seven seas while he went on and on and on, he'd never have known. Heck I could have given birth!

It's a waist land of know how and knowledge and Who's done this and who did that. And how important all this is, and nothing really matters. It's all just punk.

It's the telling of the story. It's sharing of the event. The NewsLetter! It matters not.
It's just the same old shit. No page getting turned really. I'm just the sounding board. I let him sound, I was Watcher this time. Listener and Feeler and KNOWING.
I Knew this was about him, all about him being uncomfortable talking to me. He always has been.
Hard not to take that personally.

See this one I was born into. This one is the God. This is not the chosen lover, or the childhood friend. This is the blood one, the man that taught me how to feel about me.

Invisible. Not there, NOT Good Enough. Seen but not really heard. In da Box.

As I screamed at my Father, I felt air passing out of my Body. OLD air. Old square air. It was splashing out of my mouth, I could feel it as it swoooshed across the sides of my inner cheeks! I felt air all around my teeth. Old air. Old and very tired air. I felt my Child within Crying. My Teenager Screaming and my depressed Adult numbing and hurting, and swoooooshhhhhhh..........all of it put together, everything from every where, just hurting and so so so tired!!!
Long overdue feelings, hurts and pains. Ya just keep forgetting who I am!!!!

The pattern is every fucking where!!!!

It has to stop and I am the only one that can make it die in it's fucking path!!

It's been designed to be left up to me. I have always seen that, but have been very mad at it as it's own entity all these many, too many years! No matter what, I must tread extremely carefully! With me first, all my feelings owned, the ones known and the ones still unknown and not owned as of yet. All steps respected. Nothing perfect, and not designed to be so. Just stay present. My words are here.


Subject: All my love

Dearest Pieces,
What can I say, except two things. First, I forget crucial things all the time, about everything and everyone, not just you. And I forget rather more as I get old(er). You know that and it you don't just ask your Mom. Second, you are on my mind constantly, a thousand time a day, every day of my life. Much more than BloodSister, in fact, although I think about her plenty, too. In very deep ways, you are the closest to my heart. I think you know that, too. If not, just ask your Mom. You are the last person in the world I would want to hurt. You should not be angry or feel hurt. Rather, you should feel sorry for me. So much of my life disappears like that, down the memory drain
I am sorry, and God knows, I know it is difficult for us to talk. But I do try, and I will continue to try until I die.

Dad


Can ya See? Can ya See, how It's been designed to be left up to me???
I have always seen that, but have been very mad at it as it's own entity all these many, too many years! Why me? Why I am supposed to fix all of thee? When in the same breath as this, I am not seen nor heard nor good enough.
Why do you play, one against the other???????? One cared for more, one thought of less. Why did you make such horrible choices!! Why choose at all????

Even so, even within this letters games. I see him trying, and that is all that really counts. Own no other part of it. And the game is dead and done.


No matter what, I must tread extremely carefully! With me first, all my feelings owned, the ones known and the ones still unknown and not owned as of yet. All steps respected. Nothing perfect, and not designed to be so. Dance in presence power - The "Monsters" are loosing their grip, and finding their feelings and using the new found words. Just stay present. My words are in there.
Stay with me Pieces, stay in your NOW.


Pieces of Parts

Taught Sister Lessons

And MY FATHER, taught my Sister Very Very well.

On Nov 14, 2005 (two days after the grand event)

To: Sister

Sister,

Are you mad at me?

Pieces

------------\-----------/---------@

From: Sister

of course not. just busy, stressed, distracted and surviving.


------------\-----------/---------@

Blood-Sister,

I respect your feelings and what you are going thru.

But I gotta tell ya, i was very hurt by what I saw and felt coming my way, from you. Not even a Hello came out of your mouth at first encountering. I walked along with two people, both of which you gave wonderful hugs of Hello to. With me, no eye contact made, no hello and certainly no hug.

I tried a second time to approach you, and the same. No eye contact with me, but with others near me.

Very hurt, I gave up. And honestly did my best to deal with my feelings.

You only spoke to me briefly, at the very end of the day, when everyone was leaving including you. I was shocked that you spoke to me, and didn't really hear what you said.

I didn't feel I deserved to be treated this way. And part of me wondered if you were mad at me for some horrible thing I did, or said, that I didn't know anything about.

On top of feeling as I was, I found out the, devastating - for me, news, that MarcStBer died a horrible death only three weeks ago.
He died alone, in the street.

I am equally, trying to survive as well.


Pieces

------------\-----------/---------@

Alert from Spirit-Sister!!!!!!!!!
Her insightfulness of catching Shrink's phrasing about how patterns of behavior can evolve: Shaping Behavior

So I rewrote: Amendment

Blood-Sister,


I need to ask for your forgiveness.... I wrote my note to you this morning in the midst of feeling much pain. I really should know better. After having just reread what I sent off to you. just now, I see something I should not have said.

I am really trying to build a healthy relationship with you, and I was upset at not being able to connect with you on a very basic level, and extremely upset by what happened to MarcStBer. I should not have written what I did, and how I did it, to you. It was not my intention to try to manipulate feelings out of you. I am the one that is feeling scared, and know I am the only one that can help me not to feel scared.

The only thing I was trying to really say earlier, was that I would have enjoyed sharing some time with you over the Saturday celebrations, and was disappointed in not being able to do so.

Pieces

------------\-----------/---------@

Pieces

It was a busy and complex day for us all. I didn't really connect with anyone and rather understood my job as working to make sure that all of FirstNameofMother's friends understood the family appreciated their effort to come. That's the way it generally works when you are, in some sense, the host. Had I been able to stick around on Sunday, that would have been a better day. Another time, with any luck in the not too distant future.

xox

Blood-Sister

------------\-----------/---------@

Blood-Sister,

I respect the way you were looking at the event and what you felt you were supposed to be doing as being apart of it. I hope you had a nice time and I know, from what you stated after the evening dinner, you felt much. Your words were wonderful, and I dittoed them, while too emotional to speak my own self at that time.

Hugs,
Pieces of Parts

------------\-----------/---------@
------------\-----------/-----------@

This was awful. This was very very painful. This was public as well.
If anyone had really been looking, they would have seen her shunning me. Not speaking, not standing or really sitting next to me. I felt like I had the plague. Was too sick to even touch.

NO MORE!
Her actions spoke volumes!! And it was painful She'd done me like this before, with my artwork. Desecrating it, violating it, giving a hard worked on gift to her DOG!
I folded, heart broken, brow beaten, and now only give her Starbuck cards. Not even that really. I can't do it. I've been so and too heart broken. I've been choosing to keep myself safe. Helping to further her lesson taught, that I am invisible and not good enough, to even be spoken to, like the doorman of the building she walked into at the grand party these e-mails speak of.

This was a grand invisible time.
This was also the last of it.

No matter what, I must tread extremely carefully! With me first, all my feelings owned, the ones known and the ones still unknown and not owned as of yet. All steps respected. Nothing perfect, and not designed to be so. Dance in presence power - The "Monsters" are loosing their grip, and finding their feelings and using the new found words. Just stay present. My words are in there.
Stay with me Pieces, stay in your NOW.


Pieces of Parts

Own Your Own Piece of the Part - 2

Because of the TOO many things she wrote in her response to my last letter sent (Own Your Own Piece of the Part)
Because of ALL the PAGES OF WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION.
Because of ALL THE TOTAL ASSUMPTIONS MADE.
Because of the CONTINUED POINTING OF FINGERS.
Because of ALL THE SHOULD, SHOULD, SHOULD, YOU SHOULD DO THIS OR THATs.
AND in the last paragraph...
Because of ALL HER ***RED*** ASSUMPTIONS MADE below....
Because of ALL HER ***RED*** SHOULDS below:

"Now that I understand you need to see me in order to continue our friendship, to see how we have changed and to see if we even like each other ... if we truly want to explore this, we should make a commitment and plan to get together some time this coming new year. Since you travel up north to visit with your folks on a regular basis, why don't you let me know a few weeks in advance when you think you may be coming up this way and I could meet you in Great Banana for dinner. If midtown is easier for you, I will research some restaurants in the area we could have a pick from. This way, if you are feeling uncomfortable with our meeting you have easy access to getting back to MumTown. Sound good? If we are getting along and you would like to stay a while longer, we could head down to the OldSpace and maybe walk around and cry over the changes that taken place and that have broken my heart :)."


Because of ALL of the endless ASSUMPTIONS MADE & the endless SHOULDS that are of her needs ALONE. Because of the tightly wound-up BOX being layed out before me, that still within each word, was the statement of how she thinks, I really should be and do things, with the feeling that my back was being slammed against the wall, I wrote:


Dear NYC Sister of Long Ago,


I see in your letter to me, that you have just made a ton of assumptions about me.

I can't do this NYC Sister of Long Ago. I can't go back and forth with all of this right now. We are grown up and living our lives, and what happened on P.St. in Great Banana is long gone and over.

I have a lot on my plate at the moment that really needs my full attention. I can not afford anymore of these intensive conversations of unspoken feelings on both our parts, assumptions made about each other and towards each other. Hurt feelings, sad feelings, pointing finger feelings, shoulds and let bes. There is just too much information, too many years of it to go over in email form. Too much brain power to get it in the right frame of mind, in order to write it all out to be clear.
I just don't have it in me. I've tried in the last two letters, and I am exhausted.

I have no time for meeting up with you right now or on the first of the year even. Perhaps some day during the next summers months. But my plans are up in the air as to which country I will be in then. And I am still a freelancer, so things will just have to find themselves, if they are truly supposed to.

That is really the best I can offer.
I literally have nothing more in me at this moment.

Love always,
Pieces

--------/-----------\--------@

I won't be in contact any further Pieces. Do take care of yourself. Only good things are wished for you.

NYC Sister of Long Ago

--------/-----------\--------@

"Do take care of yourself. Only good things are wished for you."

Same to you NYC Sister of Long Ago.

Love always,
Pieces
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi

--------/-----------\--------@

Subject: Thank you for your card...

received it just a moment ago. Unfortunately, you had the old address from three years ago. In case you would like to have it for the future ... I am in near the moon and around the stars.

Will always carry you close to heart. Thanks again.
NYC Sister of Long Ago

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HIS KNOWING heard me, but He heard nothing!!

December 2, 2005 3:00pm
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He just called.

I told him MY TRUTH.

I told him I loved him like a BOYFRIEND

I told him he needed to be CLEAR on what I was feeling and dealing with right now.

One.

I told him that I was VERY CLEAR of what he was doing up North.
That he had prepared me for it on our very first day/night together.
That every part of the woman that I am, that made the choice to abort twice was with him now. That every single chromosome and hormone in me understood and was there with him, in understanding. And that I understood EVERYTHING he was facing. Far more than he had any idea.

It was SO FUCKING CLEAR, even to me that I GOT IT. (I blew my own self totally away!)

Two.

That I loved him like a BOYFRIEND. PERIOD.
That I'd ALWAYS DENIED myself those feelings with others. All the fucking time.
That everyone always wanted to just be my friend and that I said yes to be cool.
But in order to do things differently NOW, I wasn't going to let myself try to change my feelings for him. I FELT HE WAS MY BOYFRIEND, I LOVED HIM LIKE A BOYFRIEND. And that was how I was going to let me feelings be and stay as. THAT THAT would be MY TRUTH. That THAT would be me doing differently!!!

I reminded him that in CaMy I had asked him if he had wanted me to treat him like a Boyfriend and he had told me yes. And that is what i did and had been doing.

I told him that the fact that he had been telling me, that he'd been telling everyone he'd bedded or otherwise, that I was very important to him. Told me that I WAS HIS OLD LADY!
That he had told and explained that Place those sorts of women had with their men. That he had stated that that was what he'd been wanting. A main woman and then on the road to do his thing. I told him I worked it out in my mind and found that I could deal with it as long as I HAD A SAFE PLACE TO LAND.
That EVERY SINGLE time he told me that, that is what I hear / heard. I am the main woman, his "old lady" so to speak.

I told him he'd been manipulating me and that this is how he'd been doing his part.

At some moment I realized he was crying.

I told him that I was not going to be the other woman with this "babe." Who sounds far more serious than anyone so far, including me. But that that was also not in the cards, cause it had been becoming more obvious to me that he had moved on long ago.
That once he started to SHUT ME OUT more and more after coming back from MS, that I was now having SAME OLD SAME OLD for me and no more "Old Lady" for us. And I couldn't be as with all my past men, and now not even be his fake "old lady."

Right before I totally lost it with all of this (one and two), he told me again how he had been trying to live his life and didn't want anyone in it that was trying to be a manipulator. That got me needless to say. And it pushed me to say, out loud and in full tears, my feelings to him about that very topic. Intertwined with my feelings of course. SO HE MIGHT FINALLY GET IT!!!!!

He is a manipulator, he did his "precious" Pieces.

His part Sister-Spirit. His freak'n part.


I KNOW my part in ALL of this!


My hands just stopped shaking.


He still hadn't been very present on the phone with me. Still talking "long distance." Saying things to me that told me he wasn't "feeling me" anymore.

Well he was present then, he heard me, he felt me.
He was shocked at things I said, needed to "absorb" them.

He got off the phone faster then ever before.

I hung up before he did.


He has realized one thing Sister-Spirit. He needs stability for his kids.



Wish I could Sister-SpiritNap you from work today and we could go some place cozy and knit all afternoon long, while sipping on hot rich cocoa.

Love you.
Gonna go take a hot shower and start my day.

Pieces of Parts

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These things were separate Sister-Spirit.

He was ABSOLUTELY SILENT the entire time I was basically screaming my feelings, all of them to him over the phone.

His comment about not being a manipulator and not wanting such people in his life, he has said before to me. While not being present himself, IMHO. He was saying it NOW. In the same space as far as I could hear.

I brought it up within what I was sharing with him. But no, he said nothing Sister-Spirit. He was LISTENING and I was TALKING.

Up until that moment he'd been totally not present with me. Just talking to me as if I hardly knew him or something like that. Almost as if there was nothing between us. It almost felt like I was standing at a bus stop and he'd just struck up a conversation with me.

I LET HIM KNOW THAT WAS NOT THE CASE!

I also have no real facts in front of me Sister-Spirit as far as NewNorth. I do think he can't even be honest enough with himself on his truths of her.

I think if he didn't see that he was manipulating me in some basic of ways, then he can't see whatever he's been doing that would lead the both of them to be ready NOW for something more than a friendship to start up NOW.


There is just no way he is totally present. He is hiding from himself. Just like me, just like you. His is just more manipulative IMHO. It would be an awful thing to actually SEE ones self doing to another that they say they love.

But PLEASE lets get real...... ISN'T THAT what HE said HE was working on in order to be able to GET HIS KIDS BACK INTO HIS LIFE??????


The phone just rang and I KNEW it was him. I told myself I just can't. I don't have it in me right now. Gave a lot of it out earlier.

It was him.

I don't think he got any of it, Sister-Spirit. He left a message.

I'll just listen to it later on and see what's what from there.

I'm exhausted.
Hope to see you later..... but hey if not....... Have much fun with The Hunk for sure!!!

Pieces

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OMG!!!

HE HEARD NOTHING!!!!!!

I listened to what he left on the machine, and my jaw dropped on the freaking floor, so I thought first and then called him back.....happy go fucking lucky he sounded......


I asked..... Were you listening to anything I said to you earlier?

Yes.

Really? What did you hear, what was the message about?

He heard me tell him I WAS FEELING NUTS???????

And afraid that I was feeling nuts??? And CRAZY!!!

OMG OMG OMG!!

I was so clear with him you could have shined your shoes on my clearness!!

And I don't remember saying ANYTHING ABOUT THAT STATE OF BEING.... cause I am NOT THERE!!!

OMG OMG OMG!!

HE HEARD NOTHING!

I told him he heard nothing of what I said to him and i was just speechless...... I couldn't talk anymore...... and finally I just told him i was DONE and hung up the phone.

I told him what was in my heart and he heard whatever it was he wanted to hear and then holier than now called me back to tell me he thought the world of me and that he knew I could handle my feelings of feeling crazy??????????????????????????

He turned it all on me and went out to play.

OMG has he ever ever ever really been present all along????

He heard nothinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng Sister-Spirit. NOTHING.


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Biker heard me. His KNOWING..... HE heard me...... I KNOW IT!
I felt it. I heard it in his tears. I heard it in that intimate silence we have shared when one of us "got" what the other was saying when seeing the mirroring at any given time since we'd met. I spoke my total truths.

It was equal to his NOT HEARING ME. His total avoidens of the truth handed to me on a hard worked surface. Buffed to a freak'n shine! He reverted, he became what I know soooooooooo well............NOT PRESENT. NO PAGE TURNER.

I feel like I was invited to a tea party and once I came, there were no other folks there. I was alone. Not only had the bird flown, but NOW I am not sure it was ever there!

I am utterly stumped.
And totally hurt.
I did my work, so thought he was too.

---------------/-----\-------@ Fair to HIM

I know he was doing ALL of his own hard ass butt kicking work.
I know he is NOW doing all his REALLY REALLY hard ass butt kicking work.
I know he was doing the BEST he knew how to do. I know when he KNOWs and LEARNs more, he'll do right by & for HIMSELF, and the ones HE LOVES.

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And as a good Mirror..... I also see everything very clearly NOW.

I've always, actually, found myself here, in this space, many times before. But I spent WAY TOO MUCH time blaming the other person for NOW what I see, were CHOICES made by ME.

He has and can own ALL that is his own to own. This time I will do far more differently, and own just my own so that I can truly see what is all mine to see and OWN IT PIECES, OWN IT!

I am truly oh SOoo SAD and feeling ALL my Pieces of Parts

Own Your Own Piece of the Part

Good morning

I don't understand how Blue Mountain could have gotten my email address out of thin air but, if you say you never requested the card -- then it was never requested. Neither my email address or home address have changed ... don't know why your cards are being sent back to you as non-deliverable.

Pieces, in reading your email, I was happy to see you recognized how our relationship had not been a healthy one for many years. With both of us not wanting to say anything about it (reasons disclosed) it was only a matter of time before we came to this. Which is fine. It's better than continuing in the direction we were going for so many years.

I am going to say something to you and, I'm not sure you will keep in contact with me afterwards but, here goes. I speak to help, not to hurt. I read your email and realized after all I wrote, you still went back and made the excuse for everything by blaming your parents for the way you are. You know what? You are a 100 year old woman and you need to stop blaming your parents and just take responsibility for your own actions and CHANGE. So your parents never taught you certain things, or didn't give you certain things, or your mother drilled her birthday into memory so now you don't celebrate anyone else's .... come on! You know what's right and what's wrong, no? You are a mature woman -- pull from your heart and gut and do what you are supposed to be doing. Consistanting blaming your parents gives you the excuse to continue to be who you are. Progress? Yes, you make progress however, do you notice that your progress always comes with a very high price connected to your parents? May I make a suggestion? Stop analyzing and just DO. Think ACTION. Who the hell is around to tell you not to? You are in charge of your own life -- your parents job was done when you became 18 years of age. Take CONTROL and demand from YOURSELF what is going to make you happy and make your relationships (with men and women) healthy.

I would like to move forward and strengthen our friendship slowly, if you are still willing. The holidays are upon us and life for me this time of year becomes extremely hectic. Please, take the time to think about what I have said and, let me know if you would like to move forward. In the meantime, many blessings to you for a balanced, secure/healthy and happy life. I know you can have it Pieces. I know you can.

Love to you NYC Sister of Long Ago

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Dearest NYC Sister of Long Ago,


Blue Mountain did not get your email out of thin air. It was on file in my accounts Address Book, because I had sent you ecards before. Having not authorized anyone to do that, I have now canceled that account permanently because of this fiasco.
I put the real card I did send you, that was returned to me, back into the mail and sent it to your jobs address.

I have responded several times to your last email to me. I have rewritten my response over and over again so that I may find out, from within me, my own real feelings about the situation we find ourselves in right now. And not do as I have done in the past with such letters as the one you just wrote me.

At first like anyone else, I was pist at the way you wrote your feelings out to me. And then I reread it and saw my truths about myself I am TOTALLY aware of. And have already been, long time since, working with and healing from. And then I read your letter again, and then another time, and another few times more. All with new responses to each reading. With each one, getting me closer to my own personal feelings.

The main feeling I keep getting over and over again, is that the real truth of our "friendship" is that it has been 100 years since I last saw you. I have not been in your physical presence, nor yours in mine, at any time during all of our communications, after finding you again about 1999 or so. Our chats have either been on the phone, or most of the time in e-mail form.


Between all that was going on when we first hooked up again, your job situation at that time, TeddyBear and my own stuff, nothing ever really happened, where we actually physically got together. I think that, for me anyways, that has been a bit of a problem, that grew into a sore spot.
So in one way that I see it, is all we really had to go by was our OLD relationship of long long ago. Which didn't allow me, for example, to actually FEEL your grownup-ness. We just seemed to start where we left off, all those many years ago. Which wasn't really working for either one of us in our present states of being. But we also had nothing new to go by.

The fact of never having hooked up, not even for an after work dinner or a cup of java over a weekend, did not sit with me very well. Soon I got the feeling that you were not interested in hooking up at all with me. So your comments about us having more to talk about then my problems, seemed contradictory to your non actions taken.

If we had gotten the chance for an easy meet-up, we could have had the chance to talk about other things then what we had been, along with finally making physical contact after all the years that had passed us by. And then too, we could have even found out if we really liked each other now, or if things were better off left as they had been.

Instead you seemed overwhelmingly interested in taking a vacation trip together, and there seemed no way to talk about doing anything easier and cheaper, with you. Then the planning of the vacation hit another sore spot for both of us, another unhealthy angle, and well it became yet another mess. All done via e-mail's for the most part. Causing total misunderstandings and assumptions on both our parts. And as I saw it, since there was no real friendship in the Now, and nothing but our own preconceived notions about one another, we were doomed.

All this being said, there wasn't much of a bases, in my opinion, for much of anything between us to be healthy. We hadn't even started off healthy. And a real truth is that each of us, within our very own relationship have a very unhealthy role to play in it. My old habit of Victim and your old habit of Care Giver. That is in my opinion, the REAL bases for our unhealthiness.

Your choice to continually send me cards after years of not getting them from me, I see as being your choice alone. And in my opinion whether I send not one person a card or one person a card, or even 1,000 cards out to that many folks, doesn't make me a bad person. Nor does you sending cards every year to the people you want to send them to, make you the greatest friend on the planet. It has been your choice all these years to keep sending them, when you knew you'd more than likely not get anything from me. I will not take responsibility for your choice, in doing so over and over and over again.

And in that same space, I will take responsibility for my continued actions of responding to your emails of inquiry, with long winded, overwhelming emotional situations that were unnecessary to share with you, or anyone else under those circumstances. That IS the way in-which I learned what intimacy was. What closeness was between two people. It is all I knew how to do, and it was what I did, with everyone I deemed a close friend. I have since learned I have choice and that there are other forms of intimacy that are far more healthy. I did say this in my letter to you in response to your first contacting me, after your getting the ecard. I'm saying it now, again, in a different form that you might understand better. Either way, I will only own my very own part. And I will not spend the rest of my time trying to prove to you how much I have grown in a healthier manner.

I speak about the things that are important to me. Connections and their patterns, where they come from, and how to find answers within them. That is who I am. I do my best to be clear and make choices that share my present feelings with the people in my life. I do not, and will not try to be someone I am not, in order to help someone feel more comfortable around me. If they like me as I am, they make their own choice to stay. If they don't like me, so be it, they were a gift and surely brought to me an insight or two while around me, for how ever long they were near. But I do tend to call things as I see them. And try very hard to own my own stuff, while not taking on what is not mine.

We've been in an old and very unhealthy dance all this time. We are both doing the best we can in each of our lives. I don't expect you to be anything but who you are. But telling me how you think I should be or act or behave as a persons friend or otherwise, or even demanding it of me, is not a friendship I am going to be choosing to be within or live up to. I'm done with all of that.

I am who and how I am. When I learn better and get more insights to the taught behaviors of my upbringing, I do better and am healthier for the insights found. But that is who and how I look at things. And if that is not something you want to hear about, in making exchanges with me as part of building up a healthy friendship, then I say Thank you for having been in my life as you so have been. I have learned a lot. And I will ALWAYS hold you dear to my heart. I will continue to Love Buggy as my brother. I will love your Mother for how she treated me and let me into your family, when my own was pretty hard to take.

I wish you well as always and forever.

Everything happens for reasons, and we are where we are supposed to be.

Thank you NYC Sister of Long Ago.
Take Care and stay healthy, wealthy and oh so wise!

Love you forever, and always....

Pieces of Parts
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi

SHUT OUTz Effect EVERYONE: Start'n New NOW

Good morning

Thanks very much for your e-card. I hope all has been well with you and your family this past year.

After much thought, I finally sat down and gave your emails a good, long, hard read. With all that went back and forth between us last year ... I guess it was the last email, or maybe it was the next to the last, that made me start thinking. Your statement about how you can be selfish and non-recognizable of others needs and feelings brought everything to a head for me. Pieces, I deal with people everyday in business and the "outside" world that convey selfishness and inconsideration without having to surround myself with it in my personal life -- meaning family and friends. Needless to say, this statement made me take a step back and take a good look at our friendship. For many years our friendship has revolved around you. Your problems and trying to solve them.

Your last email I received, which I never responded to, was indicating how you were on your way to help a boyfriend that had been in a motorcycle accident at the time. Sincerely, though I had not responded, I felt bad for you and your situation with this man and, had hoped at the time that all would go well for you both. What bothered me was the non-communication of the email I had sent earlier, the birthday card I had sent you, the ignoring of my birthday and the ignoring of Christmas. At first I thought, "how selfish of me!" Till I quickly realized that this has been transpiring throughout our relationship and that I had always pushed it to the side. Always focusing on your problems and needs. Always trying to be strong for you, share comments/advice with you, closely listening to you regarding your parents and sister ... I soon started to realize that the only time we were in contact was when you had a problem and needed to talk. Don't get me wrong Pieces, I did not mind being there for you -- it's just that there is so much more to a friendship and, most importantly, both sides have to show consideration, respect, attentiveness and support. Our friendship was unhealthy. With deep concern and remorse ... I decided to step back after thirty-five years of on again off again friendship through the years.

I would very much like and enjoy being in contact with you again however, as previously stated, things will have to change. Let's put aside the birthday and Christmas issues (neither one of us has to recognize the other during this time ... I'm fine with that. I'm not expecting you to be anal about those things as I am.) However, moving forward, we would have to take an interest in each others lives. Not just call or write with the problem of the day and not correspond till the next problem arises. I understand there are times when you don't communicate with anyone due to your depression. I respect that. But, if I send you a general email, please don't come back with a two page email indicating all your problems and then go back into hibernation until the next problem arises and you feel you need to talk.

I don't want to keep going on here -- I think you understand how I feel and why. I sincerely apologize if this email hurts you. This was one of the reasons I didn't attempt this earlier but, your e-card brought a lot back to me and I felt it was time to get it out.

You may not think so after reading this but, I have always thought of you as a dear friend and have loved you very much. Pieces, change is a good thing. It can make relationships stronger or tear them apart. Right now we are apart so, why don't we work together to create a strong friendship? I know we are two extremely strong women, emotionally and mentally and if we work together we could have a very strong, loving and respectful friendship.

Okay, I'm not sure I will hear back from you. If not, my best is with you always and, take good care of yourself. -d.


NYC Sister of Long Ago

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Dearest NYC Sister of Long Ago,

The truth is that I never sent you that ecard. It was BlueMountain.com doing it all on it's very own. I can't even find the area where I have control over it, in my account! lol

The truth is that last month I sent you a card, filled with love and adores, that got returned to me.

So who knows, maybe someone upstairs has been looking out?

I became very much aware that our relationship had been far too much a one-sided deal. That even I was getting totally board of hearing my own self gab on and on about problems. I realized that I was taught that doing that was Intimacy. And that I had only been projecting out to you, what I knew, what I'd been taught. Without seeing the pattern for what it was.

It's a Fambly way! To only talk about what's negative, and what are the problems. Without any, there is no communication.

And after having hooked up with you again when TeddyBear was still alive, I had hoped to be more careful about it, with you. But since your part, your habit of being a Care Giver is so "great" I fell back into it. So old ways came back and eventually did what they were supposed to do - separate us again like long ago.

After all, all relationships are dances. It takes two no matter what.

NOTHING in your letter to me just now is new. I have been looking at everything you spoke about for a long time now. Even while we were still engaged with our old pattern of friendship. I knew it would come to the same ending at some point, I just didn't have it in me to be clear enough to stop myself in my own tracks. Being that I was looking at everything, including my old ways with you.

I think things have a horrible way of getting even more confusing when it's just done via e-mails. I think your idea of a trip got all wakked out. And there was no human voice to go by on either one of our ends. And in the end, we were both involved with our own lives and caught up in our old pattern of friendship that just wasn't working for either one of us.

I have never ever been any good with or about Birthdays. I know exactly where it comes from. My Mother has simply been drilling hers into me all these years, making it not a pleasant event because it was an ordered one. I get drilled by her and I still hate her for drilling anything into me. I have projected that outwards, to the people I love. It's a horrible habit that I have tried to change over the years. Computers are great for such things, but they need to be on to help out. So left up to me, I revert to old habits and pay no attention to such things. It doesn't mean I don't love the person who is in my life, having one every year. And it doesn't mean that I have not tried to change that old habit.
Same with Christmas. I don't celebrate it, and that fact has been a bit confusing to me all these years.

Not to worry about hurting me NYC Sister. I am far less "depressed" these days. And trying hard to look at my every day life, squarely in the kisser.

I have realized now, that intimacy can come in many forms and NOT just talking about ones problems. I didn't know that before. I didn't know that I also wasn't letting anyone in for real. That talking about such things was not building solid relationships, it was keeping them at bay. As you called it, my habit of going into hibernation, has been my way of getting boundaries. But I did not know while in that space I could also keep friendships going. I am just really learning that right now, in an even deeper sense as well. And as I stated, our friendship, had some old habits from years ago, that are not apart of my new ones.

I had been trying to figure out how to get the new habits into our old relationship, so that change could start to take place. I found myself stumped at that time. I think your move to not respond to me was perfect.
And I felt in my heart that at some point we would find each other again and be better towards each other, ready to have a healthy relationship on both ends, towards both ends.

Even though the ecard was not from me, I am glad that you felt it was time for you to express your feelings towards me, about how you had been feeling before.

Since the card I sent you got returned, I feel like I too, actually, also made the gesture to communicate again. And so here we are both seemingly ready to create our own new relationship healthy and loving as we see fit.

WAY COOL..... don't ya think?

I'd be very happy to put the card back into the mail to you. Obviously, I do not have the right home address for you anymore.

By the way, my new e-mail address is: hibernation@nomore.com

The entire thing with the card and email are a total fluke. I don't use this account very much anymore. But something, this morning, told me to check it. So I did. Funny huh?!

Good to hear from you.
Much love and respect as well, and as always.

Pieces of Parts