HIS KNOWING heard me, but He heard nothing!!
December 2, 2005 3:00pm
-----------------------
He just called.
I told him MY TRUTH.
I told him I loved him like a BOYFRIEND
I told him he needed to be CLEAR on what I was feeling and dealing with right now.
One.
I told him that I was VERY CLEAR of what he was doing up North.
That he had prepared me for it on our very first day/night together.
That every part of the woman that I am, that made the choice to abort twice was with him now. That every single chromosome and hormone in me understood and was there with him, in understanding. And that I understood EVERYTHING he was facing. Far more than he had any idea.
It was SO FUCKING CLEAR, even to me that I GOT IT. (I blew my own self totally away!)
Two.
That I loved him like a BOYFRIEND. PERIOD.
That I'd ALWAYS DENIED myself those feelings with others. All the fucking time.
That everyone always wanted to just be my friend and that I said yes to be cool.
But in order to do things differently NOW, I wasn't going to let myself try to change my feelings for him. I FELT HE WAS MY BOYFRIEND, I LOVED HIM LIKE A BOYFRIEND. And that was how I was going to let me feelings be and stay as. THAT THAT would be MY TRUTH. That THAT would be me doing differently!!!
I reminded him that in CaMy I had asked him if he had wanted me to treat him like a Boyfriend and he had told me yes. And that is what i did and had been doing.
I told him that the fact that he had been telling me, that he'd been telling everyone he'd bedded or otherwise, that I was very important to him. Told me that I WAS HIS OLD LADY!
That he had told and explained that Place those sorts of women had with their men. That he had stated that that was what he'd been wanting. A main woman and then on the road to do his thing. I told him I worked it out in my mind and found that I could deal with it as long as I HAD A SAFE PLACE TO LAND.
That EVERY SINGLE time he told me that, that is what I hear / heard. I am the main woman, his "old lady" so to speak.
I told him he'd been manipulating me and that this is how he'd been doing his part.
At some moment I realized he was crying.
I told him that I was not going to be the other woman with this "babe." Who sounds far more serious than anyone so far, including me. But that that was also not in the cards, cause it had been becoming more obvious to me that he had moved on long ago.
That once he started to SHUT ME OUT more and more after coming back from MS, that I was now having SAME OLD SAME OLD for me and no more "Old Lady" for us. And I couldn't be as with all my past men, and now not even be his fake "old lady."
Right before I totally lost it with all of this (one and two), he told me again how he had been trying to live his life and didn't want anyone in it that was trying to be a manipulator. That got me needless to say. And it pushed me to say, out loud and in full tears, my feelings to him about that very topic. Intertwined with my feelings of course. SO HE MIGHT FINALLY GET IT!!!!!
He is a manipulator, he did his "precious" Pieces.
His part Sister-Spirit. His freak'n part.
I KNOW my part in ALL of this!
My hands just stopped shaking.
He still hadn't been very present on the phone with me. Still talking "long distance." Saying things to me that told me he wasn't "feeling me" anymore.
Well he was present then, he heard me, he felt me.
He was shocked at things I said, needed to "absorb" them.
He got off the phone faster then ever before.
I hung up before he did.
He has realized one thing Sister-Spirit. He needs stability for his kids.
Wish I could Sister-SpiritNap you from work today and we could go some place cozy and knit all afternoon long, while sipping on hot rich cocoa.
Love you.
Gonna go take a hot shower and start my day.
Pieces of Parts
*********************************************************
These things were separate Sister-Spirit.
He was ABSOLUTELY SILENT the entire time I was basically screaming my feelings, all of them to him over the phone.
His comment about not being a manipulator and not wanting such people in his life, he has said before to me. While not being present himself, IMHO. He was saying it NOW. In the same space as far as I could hear.
I brought it up within what I was sharing with him. But no, he said nothing Sister-Spirit. He was LISTENING and I was TALKING.
Up until that moment he'd been totally not present with me. Just talking to me as if I hardly knew him or something like that. Almost as if there was nothing between us. It almost felt like I was standing at a bus stop and he'd just struck up a conversation with me.
I LET HIM KNOW THAT WAS NOT THE CASE!
I also have no real facts in front of me Sister-Spirit as far as NewNorth. I do think he can't even be honest enough with himself on his truths of her.
I think if he didn't see that he was manipulating me in some basic of ways, then he can't see whatever he's been doing that would lead the both of them to be ready NOW for something more than a friendship to start up NOW.
There is just no way he is totally present. He is hiding from himself. Just like me, just like you. His is just more manipulative IMHO. It would be an awful thing to actually SEE ones self doing to another that they say they love.
But PLEASE lets get real...... ISN'T THAT what HE said HE was working on in order to be able to GET HIS KIDS BACK INTO HIS LIFE??????
The phone just rang and I KNEW it was him. I told myself I just can't. I don't have it in me right now. Gave a lot of it out earlier.
It was him.
I don't think he got any of it, Sister-Spirit. He left a message.
I'll just listen to it later on and see what's what from there.
I'm exhausted.
Hope to see you later..... but hey if not....... Have much fun with The Hunk for sure!!!
Pieces
*************************************************
OMG!!!
HE HEARD NOTHING!!!!!!
I listened to what he left on the machine, and my jaw dropped on the freaking floor, so I thought first and then called him back.....happy go fucking lucky he sounded......
I asked..... Were you listening to anything I said to you earlier?
Yes.
Really? What did you hear, what was the message about?
He heard me tell him I WAS FEELING NUTS???????
And afraid that I was feeling nuts??? And CRAZY!!!
OMG OMG OMG!!
I was so clear with him you could have shined your shoes on my clearness!!
And I don't remember saying ANYTHING ABOUT THAT STATE OF BEING.... cause I am NOT THERE!!!
OMG OMG OMG!!
HE HEARD NOTHING!
I told him he heard nothing of what I said to him and i was just speechless...... I couldn't talk anymore...... and finally I just told him i was DONE and hung up the phone.
I told him what was in my heart and he heard whatever it was he wanted to hear and then holier than now called me back to tell me he thought the world of me and that he knew I could handle my feelings of feeling crazy??????????????????????????
He turned it all on me and went out to play.
OMG has he ever ever ever really been present all along????
He heard nothinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng Sister-Spirit. NOTHING.
*******************************************************************
**************************************************************
Biker heard me. His KNOWING..... HE heard me...... I KNOW IT!
I felt it. I heard it in his tears. I heard it in that intimate silence we have shared when one of us "got" what the other was saying when seeing the mirroring at any given time since we'd met. I spoke my total truths.
It was equal to his NOT HEARING ME. His total avoidens of the truth handed to me on a hard worked surface. Buffed to a freak'n shine! He reverted, he became what I know soooooooooo well............NOT PRESENT. NO PAGE TURNER.
I feel like I was invited to a tea party and once I came, there were no other folks there. I was alone. Not only had the bird flown, but NOW I am not sure it was ever there!
I am utterly stumped.
And totally hurt.
I did my work, so thought he was too.
---------------/-----\-------@ Fair to HIM
I know he was doing ALL of his own hard ass butt kicking work.
I know he is NOW doing all his REALLY REALLY hard ass butt kicking work.
I know he was doing the BEST he knew how to do. I know when he KNOWs and LEARNs more, he'll do right by & for HIMSELF, and the ones HE LOVES.
------------------/-----\-------@
And as a good Mirror..... I also see everything very clearly NOW.
I've always, actually, found myself here, in this space, many times before. But I spent WAY TOO MUCH time blaming the other person for NOW what I see, were CHOICES made by ME.
He has and can own ALL that is his own to own. This time I will do far more differently, and own just my own so that I can truly see what is all mine to see and OWN IT PIECES, OWN IT!
I am truly oh SOoo SAD and feeling ALL my Pieces of Parts
-----------------------
He just called.
I told him MY TRUTH.
I told him I loved him like a BOYFRIEND
I told him he needed to be CLEAR on what I was feeling and dealing with right now.
One.
I told him that I was VERY CLEAR of what he was doing up North.
That he had prepared me for it on our very first day/night together.
That every part of the woman that I am, that made the choice to abort twice was with him now. That every single chromosome and hormone in me understood and was there with him, in understanding. And that I understood EVERYTHING he was facing. Far more than he had any idea.
It was SO FUCKING CLEAR, even to me that I GOT IT. (I blew my own self totally away!)
Two.
That I loved him like a BOYFRIEND. PERIOD.
That I'd ALWAYS DENIED myself those feelings with others. All the fucking time.
That everyone always wanted to just be my friend and that I said yes to be cool.
But in order to do things differently NOW, I wasn't going to let myself try to change my feelings for him. I FELT HE WAS MY BOYFRIEND, I LOVED HIM LIKE A BOYFRIEND. And that was how I was going to let me feelings be and stay as. THAT THAT would be MY TRUTH. That THAT would be me doing differently!!!
I reminded him that in CaMy I had asked him if he had wanted me to treat him like a Boyfriend and he had told me yes. And that is what i did and had been doing.
I told him that the fact that he had been telling me, that he'd been telling everyone he'd bedded or otherwise, that I was very important to him. Told me that I WAS HIS OLD LADY!
That he had told and explained that Place those sorts of women had with their men. That he had stated that that was what he'd been wanting. A main woman and then on the road to do his thing. I told him I worked it out in my mind and found that I could deal with it as long as I HAD A SAFE PLACE TO LAND.
That EVERY SINGLE time he told me that, that is what I hear / heard. I am the main woman, his "old lady" so to speak.
I told him he'd been manipulating me and that this is how he'd been doing his part.
At some moment I realized he was crying.
I told him that I was not going to be the other woman with this "babe." Who sounds far more serious than anyone so far, including me. But that that was also not in the cards, cause it had been becoming more obvious to me that he had moved on long ago.
That once he started to SHUT ME OUT more and more after coming back from MS, that I was now having SAME OLD SAME OLD for me and no more "Old Lady" for us. And I couldn't be as with all my past men, and now not even be his fake "old lady."
Right before I totally lost it with all of this (one and two), he told me again how he had been trying to live his life and didn't want anyone in it that was trying to be a manipulator. That got me needless to say. And it pushed me to say, out loud and in full tears, my feelings to him about that very topic. Intertwined with my feelings of course. SO HE MIGHT FINALLY GET IT!!!!!
He is a manipulator, he did his "precious" Pieces.
His part Sister-Spirit. His freak'n part.
I KNOW my part in ALL of this!
My hands just stopped shaking.
He still hadn't been very present on the phone with me. Still talking "long distance." Saying things to me that told me he wasn't "feeling me" anymore.
Well he was present then, he heard me, he felt me.
He was shocked at things I said, needed to "absorb" them.
He got off the phone faster then ever before.
I hung up before he did.
He has realized one thing Sister-Spirit. He needs stability for his kids.
Wish I could Sister-SpiritNap you from work today and we could go some place cozy and knit all afternoon long, while sipping on hot rich cocoa.
Love you.
Gonna go take a hot shower and start my day.
Pieces of Parts
*********************************************************
These things were separate Sister-Spirit.
He was ABSOLUTELY SILENT the entire time I was basically screaming my feelings, all of them to him over the phone.
His comment about not being a manipulator and not wanting such people in his life, he has said before to me. While not being present himself, IMHO. He was saying it NOW. In the same space as far as I could hear.
I brought it up within what I was sharing with him. But no, he said nothing Sister-Spirit. He was LISTENING and I was TALKING.
Up until that moment he'd been totally not present with me. Just talking to me as if I hardly knew him or something like that. Almost as if there was nothing between us. It almost felt like I was standing at a bus stop and he'd just struck up a conversation with me.
I LET HIM KNOW THAT WAS NOT THE CASE!
I also have no real facts in front of me Sister-Spirit as far as NewNorth. I do think he can't even be honest enough with himself on his truths of her.
I think if he didn't see that he was manipulating me in some basic of ways, then he can't see whatever he's been doing that would lead the both of them to be ready NOW for something more than a friendship to start up NOW.
There is just no way he is totally present. He is hiding from himself. Just like me, just like you. His is just more manipulative IMHO. It would be an awful thing to actually SEE ones self doing to another that they say they love.
But PLEASE lets get real...... ISN'T THAT what HE said HE was working on in order to be able to GET HIS KIDS BACK INTO HIS LIFE??????
The phone just rang and I KNEW it was him. I told myself I just can't. I don't have it in me right now. Gave a lot of it out earlier.
It was him.
I don't think he got any of it, Sister-Spirit. He left a message.
I'll just listen to it later on and see what's what from there.
I'm exhausted.
Hope to see you later..... but hey if not....... Have much fun with The Hunk for sure!!!
Pieces
*************************************************
OMG!!!
HE HEARD NOTHING!!!!!!
I listened to what he left on the machine, and my jaw dropped on the freaking floor, so I thought first and then called him back.....happy go fucking lucky he sounded......
I asked..... Were you listening to anything I said to you earlier?
Yes.
Really? What did you hear, what was the message about?
He heard me tell him I WAS FEELING NUTS???????
And afraid that I was feeling nuts??? And CRAZY!!!
OMG OMG OMG!!
I was so clear with him you could have shined your shoes on my clearness!!
And I don't remember saying ANYTHING ABOUT THAT STATE OF BEING.... cause I am NOT THERE!!!
OMG OMG OMG!!
HE HEARD NOTHING!
I told him he heard nothing of what I said to him and i was just speechless...... I couldn't talk anymore...... and finally I just told him i was DONE and hung up the phone.
I told him what was in my heart and he heard whatever it was he wanted to hear and then holier than now called me back to tell me he thought the world of me and that he knew I could handle my feelings of feeling crazy??????????????????????????
He turned it all on me and went out to play.
OMG has he ever ever ever really been present all along????
He heard nothinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng Sister-Spirit. NOTHING.
*******************************************************************
**************************************************************
Biker heard me. His KNOWING..... HE heard me...... I KNOW IT!
I felt it. I heard it in his tears. I heard it in that intimate silence we have shared when one of us "got" what the other was saying when seeing the mirroring at any given time since we'd met. I spoke my total truths.
It was equal to his NOT HEARING ME. His total avoidens of the truth handed to me on a hard worked surface. Buffed to a freak'n shine! He reverted, he became what I know soooooooooo well............NOT PRESENT. NO PAGE TURNER.
I feel like I was invited to a tea party and once I came, there were no other folks there. I was alone. Not only had the bird flown, but NOW I am not sure it was ever there!
I am utterly stumped.
And totally hurt.
I did my work, so thought he was too.
---------------/-----\-------@ Fair to HIM
I know he was doing ALL of his own hard ass butt kicking work.
I know he is NOW doing all his REALLY REALLY hard ass butt kicking work.
I know he was doing the BEST he knew how to do. I know when he KNOWs and LEARNs more, he'll do right by & for HIMSELF, and the ones HE LOVES.
------------------/-----\-------@
And as a good Mirror..... I also see everything very clearly NOW.
I've always, actually, found myself here, in this space, many times before. But I spent WAY TOO MUCH time blaming the other person for NOW what I see, were CHOICES made by ME.
He has and can own ALL that is his own to own. This time I will do far more differently, and own just my own so that I can truly see what is all mine to see and OWN IT PIECES, OWN IT!
I am truly oh SOoo SAD and feeling ALL my Pieces of Parts
posted by Pieces Of Parts at Thursday, December 08, 2005
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home