Martyr-Woman & Martyr-Man
Spirit-Sister,
I rolled over in bed this morning, in deep conversation, words coming out of my mouth as I rolled and woke up. Continued to roll myself all the way out of bed and followed where I was being led to. My MacG4, to New Document, hands on keyboard and TYPE out said thoughts on last nights mind blowing conversation on being a Martyr.
When I am in that space, I am numb.
When I am not in that space, I am ALIVE. And yeah, in my NOW.
The numbness to me, feels like a "high." My body feels warm and toasty. And in many ways I feel "better than." I am thinking in terms of "I can show him or her, what they are doing wrong or right (mostly wrong)."
In my case let's say with my Mother. There is a strong part of me that believes, that she sent me to Shrink's offices, so that I would do the work and then learn it all. When learned, I would then come and heal our entire family. But for the most part, she and my Dad. And really, my Dad, thru giving advice to my Mom about what to do about and with my Dad.
I think, that is why you recognized, the HOSTESS in my sister's actions up in NYC just now.
She was playing HER taught roll in our family set up. When she is playing hostess, she is being her sense of Martyr!
I think Biker is Martyr, to all the woman he gets involved with. Wether I like it or not, I "needed" help with ShopOwner. He saw that and Martyr-Man came to the rescue. CoolBabe needed help, Martyr-Man to the rescue. You eventually needed help, Martyr-Man was there.
I do believe Biker is running around in his world helping his Mom over and over again. I saw that in MarcStBer. I think that is very common, just like I know I'm seeing my Dad in Biker. And if I look back, I'll probably end up seeing him in most if not all the others, on some level or another. Certainly the non-presence part of him!!!
At any rate, as long as Biker is playing his Martyr-Man roll, he's "not accountable for his actions." Even if many of them don't make any sense to him, and he too feels the numbness. But remember the outer feeling of that numbness, is a high.
I will bet you, that when you are in that space of asking of yourself that you need to buckle down and get these feelings under control, that you are being the Martyr to your own self.
I will bet you are in the space I call, walking on one of those bridges in the old Tarzan movies. They were very thin, wooden pieces (many of which are missing), tied all together by rope. The handle bars were also rope. And the rope was then wrapped around two huge trees at either end of the sides of earth, that the bridge was up over to cross over what man couldn't really cross over. This came to me in a dream, while in the midst of KitKat time.
I am and have been walking over that sort of bridge since Biker brought KitKat into my life. That time is a symbol for me. At that point in time, I started to really work on Me, alone, and to struggle between being the Martyr-Woman I'd been, and who I'd also been working in Shrink's office to become. So ever since then, I have been walking on one of them bridges. Period.
Because the feeling of being on that bridge is like being on a motorcycle. I get to feel Martyr-Woman for what it really is. And for me, my Bodies reaction to it, is feeling that high, which is really the numbness, which is really me not caring about my own feelings first. And what doesn't help, is that I don't know what my feelings are, because I have been taking care of everyone else's and KNOW their needs far better than I KNOW my own.
See it???
So in part what I am saying to you here, is that when you feel really uncomfortable, YOU for Sister-Spirit, are in the RIGHT space. You will be in your NOW every time you feel that way!!!
As soon as you start trying to get your ducks in one row, you will be Martyr-Woman, and not in your NOW, and not caring and learning to love yourself.
Last point.
I believe that this is all why, the sensation within me for these past few months since Biker has been shutting me out, has been to focus in on me. As uncomfortable as it is being on this wooden planked bridge, with only thin ropes holding it up, it is far more PRESENT, and NOW, and REAL to me. I'd rather NOW, be on it, than not.
So the more I stayed on it, the more I could either let go of Biker, and or let him in more if the relationship went that way. Either way, he owns his own world, and I own mine. (I did not know that then, only finding that out NOW)
I am doing that right now. I am still on the wooden bridge. Honestly, I don't know if I'll ever get off of it. But my life is sure to be filled with more self love, more realness, more me doing what I need and want to do for me. All of which are coming to me in the form of finally listening to me, thru the actions taken of facing the things I fear the absolute MOST.
I have to watch out for my biggest and most deepest drug of choice. And that is ANGER.
Anger keeps me hiding. And it keeps my relationships at bay and me "not accountable for my actions." I am still mad at my sister for what she did to me in NYC. Even tho I wrote her those letters, I suddenly found myself still very angry at her yesterday and realized that the drug of choice was and had been in full high for a while now.
The lessons are every where Spirit-Sister.
I want you to KNOW, to KNOW Spirit-Sister..... you are NOT alone. This time, above all others, you are NOT ALONE. You do really in truly have a Sister-Ship with me that is working and hard and here for you!!!!!
Do not allow that part of you that feels you even need to be Martyr-Woman to and with me!!
Remind yourself, I have one of you in my blood. And that I personally am looking at the wooden planked, missing pieces, roped bridge in all the people I adore and love dearly.
I have always been in this space, I just was taking care of others and not seeing it, and now I am. Remind yourself of that Spirit-Sister.
...and call when you feel the want to.
One last point, sad one too: As I suddenly see it now, Biker has cut himself off, pretty much, from getting the mirroring he was getting from even just the two of us down here. So of course, without such constant support, one goes back to what one knows how to do, and is comfortable doing. I don't know if that is true for him, but that is what I heard on the phone.
That is very sad making for me. And that is why for now, it is VERY hard for me, to pick up the phone. I SO don't want to hear the old recordings, especially after having witnessed him seeing his own wooden planked bridge.
It is SO important to have good and healthy and honest and REAL support!!
OMG is it ever!
I hope one day soon, he allows himself to have it again, and maybe even truly keep it around him, in good health.
Wow, I didn't know I felt or knew all this! lol
Who'd of freaking thought!
Give up the control and get some real feelings and know-hows!
Wow.
Love you Spirit-Sister.
Drink hot tea all day long.....................yeah while at work!!!
Hugs,
Pieces of Parts
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi (IT JUST ROCKS!)
I rolled over in bed this morning, in deep conversation, words coming out of my mouth as I rolled and woke up. Continued to roll myself all the way out of bed and followed where I was being led to. My MacG4, to New Document, hands on keyboard and TYPE out said thoughts on last nights mind blowing conversation on being a Martyr.
When I am in that space, I am numb.
When I am not in that space, I am ALIVE. And yeah, in my NOW.
The numbness to me, feels like a "high." My body feels warm and toasty. And in many ways I feel "better than." I am thinking in terms of "I can show him or her, what they are doing wrong or right (mostly wrong)."
In my case let's say with my Mother. There is a strong part of me that believes, that she sent me to Shrink's offices, so that I would do the work and then learn it all. When learned, I would then come and heal our entire family. But for the most part, she and my Dad. And really, my Dad, thru giving advice to my Mom about what to do about and with my Dad.
I think, that is why you recognized, the HOSTESS in my sister's actions up in NYC just now.
She was playing HER taught roll in our family set up. When she is playing hostess, she is being her sense of Martyr!
I think Biker is Martyr, to all the woman he gets involved with. Wether I like it or not, I "needed" help with ShopOwner. He saw that and Martyr-Man came to the rescue. CoolBabe needed help, Martyr-Man to the rescue. You eventually needed help, Martyr-Man was there.
I do believe Biker is running around in his world helping his Mom over and over again. I saw that in MarcStBer. I think that is very common, just like I know I'm seeing my Dad in Biker. And if I look back, I'll probably end up seeing him in most if not all the others, on some level or another. Certainly the non-presence part of him!!!
At any rate, as long as Biker is playing his Martyr-Man roll, he's "not accountable for his actions." Even if many of them don't make any sense to him, and he too feels the numbness. But remember the outer feeling of that numbness, is a high.
I will bet you, that when you are in that space of asking of yourself that you need to buckle down and get these feelings under control, that you are being the Martyr to your own self.
I will bet you are in the space I call, walking on one of those bridges in the old Tarzan movies. They were very thin, wooden pieces (many of which are missing), tied all together by rope. The handle bars were also rope. And the rope was then wrapped around two huge trees at either end of the sides of earth, that the bridge was up over to cross over what man couldn't really cross over. This came to me in a dream, while in the midst of KitKat time.
I am and have been walking over that sort of bridge since Biker brought KitKat into my life. That time is a symbol for me. At that point in time, I started to really work on Me, alone, and to struggle between being the Martyr-Woman I'd been, and who I'd also been working in Shrink's office to become. So ever since then, I have been walking on one of them bridges. Period.
Because the feeling of being on that bridge is like being on a motorcycle. I get to feel Martyr-Woman for what it really is. And for me, my Bodies reaction to it, is feeling that high, which is really the numbness, which is really me not caring about my own feelings first. And what doesn't help, is that I don't know what my feelings are, because I have been taking care of everyone else's and KNOW their needs far better than I KNOW my own.
See it???
So in part what I am saying to you here, is that when you feel really uncomfortable, YOU for Sister-Spirit, are in the RIGHT space. You will be in your NOW every time you feel that way!!!
As soon as you start trying to get your ducks in one row, you will be Martyr-Woman, and not in your NOW, and not caring and learning to love yourself.
Last point.
I believe that this is all why, the sensation within me for these past few months since Biker has been shutting me out, has been to focus in on me. As uncomfortable as it is being on this wooden planked bridge, with only thin ropes holding it up, it is far more PRESENT, and NOW, and REAL to me. I'd rather NOW, be on it, than not.
So the more I stayed on it, the more I could either let go of Biker, and or let him in more if the relationship went that way. Either way, he owns his own world, and I own mine. (I did not know that then, only finding that out NOW)
I am doing that right now. I am still on the wooden bridge. Honestly, I don't know if I'll ever get off of it. But my life is sure to be filled with more self love, more realness, more me doing what I need and want to do for me. All of which are coming to me in the form of finally listening to me, thru the actions taken of facing the things I fear the absolute MOST.
I have to watch out for my biggest and most deepest drug of choice. And that is ANGER.
Anger keeps me hiding. And it keeps my relationships at bay and me "not accountable for my actions." I am still mad at my sister for what she did to me in NYC. Even tho I wrote her those letters, I suddenly found myself still very angry at her yesterday and realized that the drug of choice was and had been in full high for a while now.
The lessons are every where Spirit-Sister.
I want you to KNOW, to KNOW Spirit-Sister..... you are NOT alone. This time, above all others, you are NOT ALONE. You do really in truly have a Sister-Ship with me that is working and hard and here for you!!!!!
Do not allow that part of you that feels you even need to be Martyr-Woman to and with me!!
Remind yourself, I have one of you in my blood. And that I personally am looking at the wooden planked, missing pieces, roped bridge in all the people I adore and love dearly.
I have always been in this space, I just was taking care of others and not seeing it, and now I am. Remind yourself of that Spirit-Sister.
...and call when you feel the want to.
One last point, sad one too: As I suddenly see it now, Biker has cut himself off, pretty much, from getting the mirroring he was getting from even just the two of us down here. So of course, without such constant support, one goes back to what one knows how to do, and is comfortable doing. I don't know if that is true for him, but that is what I heard on the phone.
That is very sad making for me. And that is why for now, it is VERY hard for me, to pick up the phone. I SO don't want to hear the old recordings, especially after having witnessed him seeing his own wooden planked bridge.
It is SO important to have good and healthy and honest and REAL support!!
OMG is it ever!
I hope one day soon, he allows himself to have it again, and maybe even truly keep it around him, in good health.
Wow, I didn't know I felt or knew all this! lol
Who'd of freaking thought!
Give up the control and get some real feelings and know-hows!
Wow.
Love you Spirit-Sister.
Drink hot tea all day long.....................yeah while at work!!!
Hugs,
Pieces of Parts
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi (IT JUST ROCKS!)
posted by Pieces Of Parts at Saturday, December 24, 2005
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