SHUT OUTz Effect EVERYONE: Start'n New NOW
Good morning
Thanks very much for your e-card. I hope all has been well with you and your family this past year.
After much thought, I finally sat down and gave your emails a good, long, hard read. With all that went back and forth between us last year ... I guess it was the last email, or maybe it was the next to the last, that made me start thinking. Your statement about how you can be selfish and non-recognizable of others needs and feelings brought everything to a head for me. Pieces, I deal with people everyday in business and the "outside" world that convey selfishness and inconsideration without having to surround myself with it in my personal life -- meaning family and friends. Needless to say, this statement made me take a step back and take a good look at our friendship. For many years our friendship has revolved around you. Your problems and trying to solve them.
Your last email I received, which I never responded to, was indicating how you were on your way to help a boyfriend that had been in a motorcycle accident at the time. Sincerely, though I had not responded, I felt bad for you and your situation with this man and, had hoped at the time that all would go well for you both. What bothered me was the non-communication of the email I had sent earlier, the birthday card I had sent you, the ignoring of my birthday and the ignoring of Christmas. At first I thought, "how selfish of me!" Till I quickly realized that this has been transpiring throughout our relationship and that I had always pushed it to the side. Always focusing on your problems and needs. Always trying to be strong for you, share comments/advice with you, closely listening to you regarding your parents and sister ... I soon started to realize that the only time we were in contact was when you had a problem and needed to talk. Don't get me wrong Pieces, I did not mind being there for you -- it's just that there is so much more to a friendship and, most importantly, both sides have to show consideration, respect, attentiveness and support. Our friendship was unhealthy. With deep concern and remorse ... I decided to step back after thirty-five years of on again off again friendship through the years.
I would very much like and enjoy being in contact with you again however, as previously stated, things will have to change. Let's put aside the birthday and Christmas issues (neither one of us has to recognize the other during this time ... I'm fine with that. I'm not expecting you to be anal about those things as I am.) However, moving forward, we would have to take an interest in each others lives. Not just call or write with the problem of the day and not correspond till the next problem arises. I understand there are times when you don't communicate with anyone due to your depression. I respect that. But, if I send you a general email, please don't come back with a two page email indicating all your problems and then go back into hibernation until the next problem arises and you feel you need to talk.
I don't want to keep going on here -- I think you understand how I feel and why. I sincerely apologize if this email hurts you. This was one of the reasons I didn't attempt this earlier but, your e-card brought a lot back to me and I felt it was time to get it out.
You may not think so after reading this but, I have always thought of you as a dear friend and have loved you very much. Pieces, change is a good thing. It can make relationships stronger or tear them apart. Right now we are apart so, why don't we work together to create a strong friendship? I know we are two extremely strong women, emotionally and mentally and if we work together we could have a very strong, loving and respectful friendship.
Okay, I'm not sure I will hear back from you. If not, my best is with you always and, take good care of yourself. -d.
NYC Sister of Long Ago
--------/-----------\--------@
Dearest NYC Sister of Long Ago,
The truth is that I never sent you that ecard. It was BlueMountain.com doing it all on it's very own. I can't even find the area where I have control over it, in my account! lol
The truth is that last month I sent you a card, filled with love and adores, that got returned to me.
So who knows, maybe someone upstairs has been looking out?
I became very much aware that our relationship had been far too much a one-sided deal. That even I was getting totally board of hearing my own self gab on and on about problems. I realized that I was taught that doing that was Intimacy. And that I had only been projecting out to you, what I knew, what I'd been taught. Without seeing the pattern for what it was.
It's a Fambly way! To only talk about what's negative, and what are the problems. Without any, there is no communication.
And after having hooked up with you again when TeddyBear was still alive, I had hoped to be more careful about it, with you. But since your part, your habit of being a Care Giver is so "great" I fell back into it. So old ways came back and eventually did what they were supposed to do - separate us again like long ago.
After all, all relationships are dances. It takes two no matter what.
NOTHING in your letter to me just now is new. I have been looking at everything you spoke about for a long time now. Even while we were still engaged with our old pattern of friendship. I knew it would come to the same ending at some point, I just didn't have it in me to be clear enough to stop myself in my own tracks. Being that I was looking at everything, including my old ways with you.
I think things have a horrible way of getting even more confusing when it's just done via e-mails. I think your idea of a trip got all wakked out. And there was no human voice to go by on either one of our ends. And in the end, we were both involved with our own lives and caught up in our old pattern of friendship that just wasn't working for either one of us.
I have never ever been any good with or about Birthdays. I know exactly where it comes from. My Mother has simply been drilling hers into me all these years, making it not a pleasant event because it was an ordered one. I get drilled by her and I still hate her for drilling anything into me. I have projected that outwards, to the people I love. It's a horrible habit that I have tried to change over the years. Computers are great for such things, but they need to be on to help out. So left up to me, I revert to old habits and pay no attention to such things. It doesn't mean I don't love the person who is in my life, having one every year. And it doesn't mean that I have not tried to change that old habit.
Same with Christmas. I don't celebrate it, and that fact has been a bit confusing to me all these years.
Not to worry about hurting me NYC Sister. I am far less "depressed" these days. And trying hard to look at my every day life, squarely in the kisser.
I have realized now, that intimacy can come in many forms and NOT just talking about ones problems. I didn't know that before. I didn't know that I also wasn't letting anyone in for real. That talking about such things was not building solid relationships, it was keeping them at bay. As you called it, my habit of going into hibernation, has been my way of getting boundaries. But I did not know while in that space I could also keep friendships going. I am just really learning that right now, in an even deeper sense as well. And as I stated, our friendship, had some old habits from years ago, that are not apart of my new ones.
I had been trying to figure out how to get the new habits into our old relationship, so that change could start to take place. I found myself stumped at that time. I think your move to not respond to me was perfect.
And I felt in my heart that at some point we would find each other again and be better towards each other, ready to have a healthy relationship on both ends, towards both ends.
Even though the ecard was not from me, I am glad that you felt it was time for you to express your feelings towards me, about how you had been feeling before.
Since the card I sent you got returned, I feel like I too, actually, also made the gesture to communicate again. And so here we are both seemingly ready to create our own new relationship healthy and loving as we see fit.
WAY COOL..... don't ya think?
I'd be very happy to put the card back into the mail to you. Obviously, I do not have the right home address for you anymore.
By the way, my new e-mail address is: hibernation@nomore.com
The entire thing with the card and email are a total fluke. I don't use this account very much anymore. But something, this morning, told me to check it. So I did. Funny huh?!
Good to hear from you.
Much love and respect as well, and as always.
Pieces of Parts
Thanks very much for your e-card. I hope all has been well with you and your family this past year.
After much thought, I finally sat down and gave your emails a good, long, hard read. With all that went back and forth between us last year ... I guess it was the last email, or maybe it was the next to the last, that made me start thinking. Your statement about how you can be selfish and non-recognizable of others needs and feelings brought everything to a head for me. Pieces, I deal with people everyday in business and the "outside" world that convey selfishness and inconsideration without having to surround myself with it in my personal life -- meaning family and friends. Needless to say, this statement made me take a step back and take a good look at our friendship. For many years our friendship has revolved around you. Your problems and trying to solve them.
Your last email I received, which I never responded to, was indicating how you were on your way to help a boyfriend that had been in a motorcycle accident at the time. Sincerely, though I had not responded, I felt bad for you and your situation with this man and, had hoped at the time that all would go well for you both. What bothered me was the non-communication of the email I had sent earlier, the birthday card I had sent you, the ignoring of my birthday and the ignoring of Christmas. At first I thought, "how selfish of me!" Till I quickly realized that this has been transpiring throughout our relationship and that I had always pushed it to the side. Always focusing on your problems and needs. Always trying to be strong for you, share comments/advice with you, closely listening to you regarding your parents and sister ... I soon started to realize that the only time we were in contact was when you had a problem and needed to talk. Don't get me wrong Pieces, I did not mind being there for you -- it's just that there is so much more to a friendship and, most importantly, both sides have to show consideration, respect, attentiveness and support. Our friendship was unhealthy. With deep concern and remorse ... I decided to step back after thirty-five years of on again off again friendship through the years.
I would very much like and enjoy being in contact with you again however, as previously stated, things will have to change. Let's put aside the birthday and Christmas issues (neither one of us has to recognize the other during this time ... I'm fine with that. I'm not expecting you to be anal about those things as I am.) However, moving forward, we would have to take an interest in each others lives. Not just call or write with the problem of the day and not correspond till the next problem arises. I understand there are times when you don't communicate with anyone due to your depression. I respect that. But, if I send you a general email, please don't come back with a two page email indicating all your problems and then go back into hibernation until the next problem arises and you feel you need to talk.
I don't want to keep going on here -- I think you understand how I feel and why. I sincerely apologize if this email hurts you. This was one of the reasons I didn't attempt this earlier but, your e-card brought a lot back to me and I felt it was time to get it out.
You may not think so after reading this but, I have always thought of you as a dear friend and have loved you very much. Pieces, change is a good thing. It can make relationships stronger or tear them apart. Right now we are apart so, why don't we work together to create a strong friendship? I know we are two extremely strong women, emotionally and mentally and if we work together we could have a very strong, loving and respectful friendship.
Okay, I'm not sure I will hear back from you. If not, my best is with you always and, take good care of yourself. -d.
NYC Sister of Long Ago
--------/-----------\--------@
Dearest NYC Sister of Long Ago,
The truth is that I never sent you that ecard. It was BlueMountain.com doing it all on it's very own. I can't even find the area where I have control over it, in my account! lol
The truth is that last month I sent you a card, filled with love and adores, that got returned to me.
So who knows, maybe someone upstairs has been looking out?
I became very much aware that our relationship had been far too much a one-sided deal. That even I was getting totally board of hearing my own self gab on and on about problems. I realized that I was taught that doing that was Intimacy. And that I had only been projecting out to you, what I knew, what I'd been taught. Without seeing the pattern for what it was.
It's a Fambly way! To only talk about what's negative, and what are the problems. Without any, there is no communication.
And after having hooked up with you again when TeddyBear was still alive, I had hoped to be more careful about it, with you. But since your part, your habit of being a Care Giver is so "great" I fell back into it. So old ways came back and eventually did what they were supposed to do - separate us again like long ago.
After all, all relationships are dances. It takes two no matter what.
NOTHING in your letter to me just now is new. I have been looking at everything you spoke about for a long time now. Even while we were still engaged with our old pattern of friendship. I knew it would come to the same ending at some point, I just didn't have it in me to be clear enough to stop myself in my own tracks. Being that I was looking at everything, including my old ways with you.
I think things have a horrible way of getting even more confusing when it's just done via e-mails. I think your idea of a trip got all wakked out. And there was no human voice to go by on either one of our ends. And in the end, we were both involved with our own lives and caught up in our old pattern of friendship that just wasn't working for either one of us.
I have never ever been any good with or about Birthdays. I know exactly where it comes from. My Mother has simply been drilling hers into me all these years, making it not a pleasant event because it was an ordered one. I get drilled by her and I still hate her for drilling anything into me. I have projected that outwards, to the people I love. It's a horrible habit that I have tried to change over the years. Computers are great for such things, but they need to be on to help out. So left up to me, I revert to old habits and pay no attention to such things. It doesn't mean I don't love the person who is in my life, having one every year. And it doesn't mean that I have not tried to change that old habit.
Same with Christmas. I don't celebrate it, and that fact has been a bit confusing to me all these years.
Not to worry about hurting me NYC Sister. I am far less "depressed" these days. And trying hard to look at my every day life, squarely in the kisser.
I have realized now, that intimacy can come in many forms and NOT just talking about ones problems. I didn't know that before. I didn't know that I also wasn't letting anyone in for real. That talking about such things was not building solid relationships, it was keeping them at bay. As you called it, my habit of going into hibernation, has been my way of getting boundaries. But I did not know while in that space I could also keep friendships going. I am just really learning that right now, in an even deeper sense as well. And as I stated, our friendship, had some old habits from years ago, that are not apart of my new ones.
I had been trying to figure out how to get the new habits into our old relationship, so that change could start to take place. I found myself stumped at that time. I think your move to not respond to me was perfect.
And I felt in my heart that at some point we would find each other again and be better towards each other, ready to have a healthy relationship on both ends, towards both ends.
Even though the ecard was not from me, I am glad that you felt it was time for you to express your feelings towards me, about how you had been feeling before.
Since the card I sent you got returned, I feel like I too, actually, also made the gesture to communicate again. And so here we are both seemingly ready to create our own new relationship healthy and loving as we see fit.
WAY COOL..... don't ya think?
I'd be very happy to put the card back into the mail to you. Obviously, I do not have the right home address for you anymore.
By the way, my new e-mail address is: hibernation@nomore.com
The entire thing with the card and email are a total fluke. I don't use this account very much anymore. But something, this morning, told me to check it. So I did. Funny huh?!
Good to hear from you.
Much love and respect as well, and as always.
Pieces of Parts
posted by Pieces Of Parts at Thursday, December 01, 2005
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