A Mother's Chosen Behavior?
From: My Mom
Subject: hello
Date: January 6, 2006 12:40:05 PM EST
To: Pieces of Parts
Time to say hello.
M
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From me, after I'd calmed down, and found my NOW feelings.
Mom,
Your e-mail above, had some serious timing to it.
The way you wrote this message, sounds more to me like a demand on your part, for me to do something that would please you. Regardless of whether or not I felt like doing it out of pure, respectful choice on my end.
This is old in my opinion, and something different, something more healthy needs to be found between the two of us, so that both of us get our own personal needs met.
I understand that you find my long sweeps of time in silence frustrating. But I have a hard time sharing my life with you. I don't want to get into many of our unhealthy patterns, that lead us both into game plays that are old and out dated, and have no real value anymore.
I know that you have been trying and making efforts on your part to do differently. But demanding of me to do something, is not the way. You do not, and will not get out of me, whatever it is that you want. I will forever react to such "demands" for connection, in the opposite ways. Mainly because I resent being ordered to do something I don't feel.
I have been working on how to have good friendships for years now. I have read books and see Shrink. From where I am sitting, you are still doing the same habits, just changing their positions a bit. But in the end they are the same. It would be of great help to both of us, if you would pick up a new book or two on the subject of personal growth. The Games People Play only one, and although it pointed out what the games are and how people play them, I found that book to be very impersonal. It's more like a medical documentary of sorts. And as far as I know, from what you have shared with me, it's the only self help book you've ever read and touted. I personally, would very much like to see you, try to let in some new ideas.
There are some very powerful reads out there these days. I personally would recommend one of the ones I hold dear, go back to all the time for support, and that is Living in the Light by Shakti Gawain. Here is a link to it on Amazon.
Another one that I am still reading, that Biker suggested. Although it speaks about male/female relationships, I also learned a lot about me as a woman, from it. It is called Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, by John Gary. Here is a link to it on Amazon.
I want a far more healthy, clear boundaries and respectful filled, loving relationship with you. I am personally exhausted from the same old dance that exist between us. Neither of us getting our own personal needs met, or boundaries respected. And certainly not sharing any love that does exist between us, for each other. Whatever worked at one time, it does not now, and they won't in the future. New insights, and lessons really need to be allowed in, for real and healthy growth to start to take place. And it just can't come from me, working in Shrink's office and then sharing with you what I have learned. I will not do that. I really need you, to do your own personal self-help growth, in whatever form you so choose to do it in. I want a healthy relationship with you, with both parties doing their parts to allow it to be so.
I love you dearly.
Pieces of Parts
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi
Dictionary
Relationship |riˈlā sh ənˌ sh ip| noun
the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected : the study will assess the relationship between unemployment and political attitudes.
• the state of being connected by blood or marriage : they can trace their relationship to a common ancestor.
• the way in which two or more people or organizations regard and behave toward each other : the landlord–tenant relationship | she was proud of her good relationship with the household staff.
• an emotional and sexual association between two people : she has a daughter from a previous relationship.
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From my Mom:
Dear Pieces: I have thought a great deal about your letter and I thank you for it and all the information it contains. I just want to say that, however you react to the things I say, I love you dearly and I love you the way you are. I hope some day you also will accept me the way I am; I'm afraid I'm a bit too old, and too preoccupied, to do fundamental changing now.
Meanwhile, we are coming to Washington on Thursday for a big speech/prize that RichWoman is receiving. Can you image she's getting $25,000. She'll talk from 6:30 to 8. There is also an exhibition that we want to see. We would love it if you join us for some or all of this.
Kisses, MOM
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-------------\-----------/-------------@
I felt devastated. And really deeply and fundamentally hurt. After talking to Shrink and then being able to face head-on the feelings I needed to face in order step thru this door that has been ajar for some time now, and when I felt once again okay about my own life, I sent this:
Dear Mom,
I am very sad to hear that these are your feelings.
But I thank you for your truth.
Love,
Pieces of Parts
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi
-------------\-----------/--------@
-------------\-----------/-------------@
-------------\-----------/-----------------@
I NOW feel a slight sense of relief in some ways. I've ALWAYS known that she felt this way. It has shown up in her movements, comments made, games played. She's never come right out with it, like this.
Her own response to having done this, and not hearing from me right after sending her feelings, was to make a big splash and call my Shrink. Asking him if I was all right, and needing him to call her back to say so.
This put him in a very odd space indeed.
I saw this as a once again insinuation on her part, that I could not handle such a true statement as she shared with me. That once again, I was the sick one. That because she felt that way, she couldn't try to contact me in the many ways she has available to her to get to me.
I went down into the ruins I've been trying to pull my own self out of, and thru doing so, found my NOW feelings. They are, this was ALL ABOUT HER. A big grand GAME. And had nothing to do with me or who I am NOW. Which only shows me further, that she too also does NOT SEE Me.
I myself, feel, that it was about time she told me her truth. From this space on, I truly KNOW not to keep trying to go to her for such things. I have been going to other women for emotional support and loving connections, as far back as i can remember. She's shown me jealousy for that fact. But here sits before me, her truth. And my needs, for me, are and have been more important and therefore I have been trying my best to get met. It's called Survival.
I WISH I could go to her for them, but it is and has never really been, truly possible. NOW I have confirmation that the feelings, I've been feeling coming from her, have been real. And once again, I AM NOT CRAZY!
NOW with the truth in my hands, I'll find some other way to find & allow other sorts of connections to be made with her. It will happen. But I MUST do for me right now, in order for the healthy boundaries to show themselves, so that love has a chance to flow thru and beyond all the anger that I hold.
The true irony is that SHE is the one that insisted that every where we ever lived, I was to go to see a Shrink. I have been going to see one since at least 2 or 3 years of age. For most of the time no one else in my family ever really went. SHE did, for a short time, until very hard work got started in the sessions, concerning her relationship with her Father and the parts that got transfered to my father. At that point, she was told she couldn't go anymore - I'm sure wrapped in a nice pretty silk bow of "I'll divorce you if you do." So she stopped. And within there got stuck in a time-warp. Her Shrink and all the people going to said Shrink, were all reading the famous book at the time, Games People Play. She has been shoving it's written know-hows down my throat when ever someone else did something that she saw as being explained in the book. I KNOW THE BOOK BY HEART FOLKS. But turn it all around and let her know she too is playing one of it's games, and YOU ARE BAD and not spoken to, and deemed A PROBLEM.
Soooooo, it is pretty ironic to think, that after all this time of being in a Shrink's office, doing what I was "told to do" and doing it well enough to NOW be able to ask for healthy approaches to what she's been saying she's been wanting, that I am literally being turned down. I can only do one thing right now, and that is shake my head and cry for the loss, and walk thru this door that is presenting it's self to me right now.
Resignation being handed in...... from another SpotLight holding job.
The tears are coming from the small Child within me, that thought She would get a prize in the end of all this hard work. That Her Mother was out there, out in Healthy World waiting for Her to get better from ALL her illnesses, waiting so that She could do Her part in allowing the two of them to start having a working and healthy relationship. And as a grand bonus, I would get my entire family the way I've always longed to have them.
Only true prize here, that I am just beginning to see, but more so feel, is that I have done the work for Me. And here I am in this space meeting Me. Finding out how I feel about Me, and the world around Me and especially the one within Me. Parenting myself. Hearing and listening to my own needs and hurts and deep down pains. And allowing them to be felt and more importantly to be honored as TRUE. Which only by doing so, is helping me to find much color in the dark gloomy grey spaces that I called my ill-faded life, which I am also just beginning to see and feel has been taught to me to be my truth. I am really just at the very beginning stages of feeling that intricate part.
Doing the best I can, doing more as I learn more, Being in my NOW. And saying Hi Pieces, WOW you really have been really doing a heck of a lot of work here!!
Tea time ...... with a good home made cookie, please?!!
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Pieces of Parts
Subject: hello
Date: January 6, 2006 12:40:05 PM EST
To: Pieces of Parts
Time to say hello.
M
-------------\-----------/--------@
From me, after I'd calmed down, and found my NOW feelings.
Mom,
Your e-mail above, had some serious timing to it.
The way you wrote this message, sounds more to me like a demand on your part, for me to do something that would please you. Regardless of whether or not I felt like doing it out of pure, respectful choice on my end.
This is old in my opinion, and something different, something more healthy needs to be found between the two of us, so that both of us get our own personal needs met.
I understand that you find my long sweeps of time in silence frustrating. But I have a hard time sharing my life with you. I don't want to get into many of our unhealthy patterns, that lead us both into game plays that are old and out dated, and have no real value anymore.
I know that you have been trying and making efforts on your part to do differently. But demanding of me to do something, is not the way. You do not, and will not get out of me, whatever it is that you want. I will forever react to such "demands" for connection, in the opposite ways. Mainly because I resent being ordered to do something I don't feel.
I have been working on how to have good friendships for years now. I have read books and see Shrink. From where I am sitting, you are still doing the same habits, just changing their positions a bit. But in the end they are the same. It would be of great help to both of us, if you would pick up a new book or two on the subject of personal growth. The Games People Play only one, and although it pointed out what the games are and how people play them, I found that book to be very impersonal. It's more like a medical documentary of sorts. And as far as I know, from what you have shared with me, it's the only self help book you've ever read and touted. I personally, would very much like to see you, try to let in some new ideas.
There are some very powerful reads out there these days. I personally would recommend one of the ones I hold dear, go back to all the time for support, and that is Living in the Light by Shakti Gawain. Here is a link to it on Amazon.
Another one that I am still reading, that Biker suggested. Although it speaks about male/female relationships, I also learned a lot about me as a woman, from it. It is called Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, by John Gary. Here is a link to it on Amazon.
I want a far more healthy, clear boundaries and respectful filled, loving relationship with you. I am personally exhausted from the same old dance that exist between us. Neither of us getting our own personal needs met, or boundaries respected. And certainly not sharing any love that does exist between us, for each other. Whatever worked at one time, it does not now, and they won't in the future. New insights, and lessons really need to be allowed in, for real and healthy growth to start to take place. And it just can't come from me, working in Shrink's office and then sharing with you what I have learned. I will not do that. I really need you, to do your own personal self-help growth, in whatever form you so choose to do it in. I want a healthy relationship with you, with both parties doing their parts to allow it to be so.
I love you dearly.
Pieces of Parts
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi
Dictionary
Relationship |riˈlā sh ənˌ sh ip| noun
the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected : the study will assess the relationship between unemployment and political attitudes.
• the state of being connected by blood or marriage : they can trace their relationship to a common ancestor.
• the way in which two or more people or organizations regard and behave toward each other : the landlord–tenant relationship | she was proud of her good relationship with the household staff.
• an emotional and sexual association between two people : she has a daughter from a previous relationship.
-------------\-----------/--------@
From my Mom:
Dear Pieces: I have thought a great deal about your letter and I thank you for it and all the information it contains. I just want to say that, however you react to the things I say, I love you dearly and I love you the way you are. I hope some day you also will accept me the way I am; I'm afraid I'm a bit too old, and too preoccupied, to do fundamental changing now.
Meanwhile, we are coming to Washington on Thursday for a big speech/prize that RichWoman is receiving. Can you image she's getting $25,000. She'll talk from 6:30 to 8. There is also an exhibition that we want to see. We would love it if you join us for some or all of this.
Kisses, MOM
-------------\-----------/--------@
-------------\-----------/-------------@
I felt devastated. And really deeply and fundamentally hurt. After talking to Shrink and then being able to face head-on the feelings I needed to face in order step thru this door that has been ajar for some time now, and when I felt once again okay about my own life, I sent this:
Dear Mom,
I am very sad to hear that these are your feelings.
But I thank you for your truth.
Love,
Pieces of Parts
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi
-------------\-----------/--------@
-------------\-----------/-------------@
-------------\-----------/-----------------@
I NOW feel a slight sense of relief in some ways. I've ALWAYS known that she felt this way. It has shown up in her movements, comments made, games played. She's never come right out with it, like this.
Her own response to having done this, and not hearing from me right after sending her feelings, was to make a big splash and call my Shrink. Asking him if I was all right, and needing him to call her back to say so.
This put him in a very odd space indeed.
I saw this as a once again insinuation on her part, that I could not handle such a true statement as she shared with me. That once again, I was the sick one. That because she felt that way, she couldn't try to contact me in the many ways she has available to her to get to me.
I went down into the ruins I've been trying to pull my own self out of, and thru doing so, found my NOW feelings. They are, this was ALL ABOUT HER. A big grand GAME. And had nothing to do with me or who I am NOW. Which only shows me further, that she too also does NOT SEE Me.
I myself, feel, that it was about time she told me her truth. From this space on, I truly KNOW not to keep trying to go to her for such things. I have been going to other women for emotional support and loving connections, as far back as i can remember. She's shown me jealousy for that fact. But here sits before me, her truth. And my needs, for me, are and have been more important and therefore I have been trying my best to get met. It's called Survival.
I WISH I could go to her for them, but it is and has never really been, truly possible. NOW I have confirmation that the feelings, I've been feeling coming from her, have been real. And once again, I AM NOT CRAZY!
NOW with the truth in my hands, I'll find some other way to find & allow other sorts of connections to be made with her. It will happen. But I MUST do for me right now, in order for the healthy boundaries to show themselves, so that love has a chance to flow thru and beyond all the anger that I hold.
The true irony is that SHE is the one that insisted that every where we ever lived, I was to go to see a Shrink. I have been going to see one since at least 2 or 3 years of age. For most of the time no one else in my family ever really went. SHE did, for a short time, until very hard work got started in the sessions, concerning her relationship with her Father and the parts that got transfered to my father. At that point, she was told she couldn't go anymore - I'm sure wrapped in a nice pretty silk bow of "I'll divorce you if you do." So she stopped. And within there got stuck in a time-warp. Her Shrink and all the people going to said Shrink, were all reading the famous book at the time, Games People Play. She has been shoving it's written know-hows down my throat when ever someone else did something that she saw as being explained in the book. I KNOW THE BOOK BY HEART FOLKS. But turn it all around and let her know she too is playing one of it's games, and YOU ARE BAD and not spoken to, and deemed A PROBLEM.
Soooooo, it is pretty ironic to think, that after all this time of being in a Shrink's office, doing what I was "told to do" and doing it well enough to NOW be able to ask for healthy approaches to what she's been saying she's been wanting, that I am literally being turned down. I can only do one thing right now, and that is shake my head and cry for the loss, and walk thru this door that is presenting it's self to me right now.
Resignation being handed in...... from another SpotLight holding job.
The tears are coming from the small Child within me, that thought She would get a prize in the end of all this hard work. That Her Mother was out there, out in Healthy World waiting for Her to get better from ALL her illnesses, waiting so that She could do Her part in allowing the two of them to start having a working and healthy relationship. And as a grand bonus, I would get my entire family the way I've always longed to have them.
Only true prize here, that I am just beginning to see, but more so feel, is that I have done the work for Me. And here I am in this space meeting Me. Finding out how I feel about Me, and the world around Me and especially the one within Me. Parenting myself. Hearing and listening to my own needs and hurts and deep down pains. And allowing them to be felt and more importantly to be honored as TRUE. Which only by doing so, is helping me to find much color in the dark gloomy grey spaces that I called my ill-faded life, which I am also just beginning to see and feel has been taught to me to be my truth. I am really just at the very beginning stages of feeling that intricate part.
Doing the best I can, doing more as I learn more, Being in my NOW. And saying Hi Pieces, WOW you really have been really doing a heck of a lot of work here!!
Tea time ...... with a good home made cookie, please?!!
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Pieces of Parts
posted by Pieces Of Parts at Wednesday, January 25, 2006
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