Very Lonely Little Pieces

Subject: not sure


all week i've been ill.

my nerves have been a mess. my sleep horrible. been trying to make myself eat no matter what, but my stomach has really been a total mess since the day i packed up your things and put them in the boxes.

in the process of "breaking up" with you, I didn't go and find comfort in the arms of a fuck. I haven't done that the entire time I have been with you. i knew i, for me alone, needed to do things differently in order to see my PROBLEM(S) with men, that past the line of being "just friends." I still feel I need to do that.

the changes i made to be different for me, supported you well. i am glad my ways helped you to feel what your kind of attention helped within me.

but that gal is on her way out, for the most part. now I don't want to see me do her again, now i feel the need to be different from her. and once again, she is all i have ever known how to be. the spotlight holder.
in not fucking anyone else i learned a great deal about me. which is what I wanted.

i think having the "other man" gave me the support i thought i needed because i wasn't getting it from the main man. in actuality, i wasn't giving the main man much of me. and the fuck was getting the real me. because i didn't feel threatened by the opening up processes. he was just a fuck, so who cared - attitude.

but i also felt very alone in all my main guy relationships. i didn't know it was a dance. that one thing ran after the other. that not giving myself to the main man, led me to the fuck, and that led me to my overall feeling of utter loneliness, which led me to get a fuck or go back to an old fuck. which then led me to find a main man, and around and around i went.
Each of those relationships, no one got much of anything out of it. The fuck did probably did get most out of me.

ONLY because it had been ten years since I'd fucked anyone, other than my week's worth with MarcStBer, was it "easy" for me to keep not fucking someone else in our relationship. you had that advantage, as did i.

the support you showed me was healing to my very soul, and if i had been fucking another, i might have missed it. and just kept going, to this day, as i had so many times before. never having gotten involved, never having taken the chance for me to open up, all would be as it has always been, and all would just have stayed the same even now.


because of what my Mother said in her last letter to me, i now understand further and i am feeling no more guilt associated with me having gone to others for the support that I felt I needed. Because she wasn't, hasn't, isn't giving it to me. And in many ways, never has. So I have ALWAYS gone to another for the intimacy I did not find with the main person. PATTERN.

I have been RIDDLED with guilt ALL my life, because I went to others for what I could not find with my parents. NO MORE.

I went to others because it was NOT at home. So that is what I did with my men.

I just did what I knew.

The main man, didn't give me what I needed or so I thought. So I went elsewhere for it. went to someone safe, where I could be me and let go, and probably have the real relationship, except that was empty and many more times than not, equally intensely lonely as well.

so much of my time with my own men, i have felt more like a dog running after her own tale.


so i am sitting here with three members of my immediate family alive. and i feel more lonely right now than anything else.

i don't want to run to just a fuck. it's useless. fucking is good, and it's good with anyone. after a while I couldn't just fuck anyone any more. the act of doing it had no meaning anymore. i got nothing, really, out of it. and for the most part, i felt more lonely after doing it, then before i'd even taken my cloths off. so i sure as hell don't want any of that NOW.

nothing intimate there.

now i know there is no one in my family that I can talk to about who i am, because it's just all about them, for real.

nothing intimate there.

and the support i am getting from the people around me is almost as nurturing as what i felt from you alone.

but it isn't intimate.

so i feel like i have none now.
but i probably never really have. maybe, not even from me to me. how could I, i wasn't taught how to do it!


so now i am beginning to see, that i have not really had very much intimacy. i shut myself up within my family because i didn't get it any and had to get safe in some way or other. one of them was going outside the family to get what i was not getting at home.
but i longed for what was missing and have always been.

and here i sit. an adult. with no intimacy in my life. and i am very lonely.


i think i am here because this is the pay off of having made the many choices i have made to keep myself safe. once you told me about The Power of NOW, and I heard it and hear it all the time (4-support), it's words propelled me into this space. I so can not do things that truly hurt me anymore. because i am now accountable for my well being. And because now I feel each of my choices made. Every place inside me that used to be numb, is ALIVE NOW, and I SO feel the pains of my choices. I am also trying to teach me to feel the goods of them as well.

i miss the Biker i met. i miss the one that gave me that certain kind of support i found to be totally missing out of my life. I'm very afraid of getting it now, while you are involved with another and another and any other. that seems so old to me. i am so torn about what to do, and not. leaving me feeling sooooo lonely and alone.

i lived in this space for many many years before ever having sex. but i got my needs met by adopting other peoples families and their lives. then i went out into the world and just recreated what i knew. on a grander scale, but the same situation over and over again.

everything always leaving me alone and lonely.

so here i am in my NOW. it is very quiet. i can hear Earth. i can feel Body. i can hear silence. and i can feel my sadness and loneliness..... and lately, for the first time in my entire life, i sometimes think of having a drink.

drinking and drugs have always scared me. but sex, sex gave me comfort. i felt wanted, even desired to have around. i didn't have to say not one word, and i got supported. but then they always left. going back to their real lives, and me i went home alone.

everything feels so old right now.
I'm in a ton of pain from all of it.
the truth hurts, that's all there is to it. and apart of me just doesn't want to be feeling and dealing with any of this. but i am. and i know i must in order for real changes to take place.

i don't know where any of my family members fit. and i don't know where you do either.

without holding the spotlight on any of you, I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM.


HOLDING the spotlight for you right now would be me acting as if i had none of the feelings that i do for you.
talking to you, happy go lucky like, while you are with another woman or any other woman.
acting as if everything was cool with me.
acting as if i was over you.
acting.

HOLDING the spotlight for my mother would be feeling riddled with guilt for having made her feel frantic to the point of having her call Shrink to find out how i am, for something she said, but me feeling guilty and taking the blame for her choices made.

HOLDING the spotlight for my dad, would be me just staying good and quiet little church mouse.

HOLDING the spotlight for my sister, would be me acting as if i really have no life, no feelings nothing really to share with her, making the phone conversations all about her and talking to her as if I were talking to a guy at the bus stop.


The other main thing that I don't get with any of these positions, is intimacy.
ALL these positions mean that I have NO feelings, NO wants, and NO needs of my own.


so i know you are all out there, but i can't go or come to any of you...... right now. i just don't know how to do it, without being the super supportive one. The SpotLight Holder.


all this said:

I have been struggling with Who am I?

I have been fighting old demons. Old habits that kept me stuck and put me in the position of remaining Buddies with my ex men, and staying in the Super Supportive role after and in many cases, YEARS & YEARS after we ourselves were done.


I have right now the added pains of old, with the situation i find myself in right now with my family.


I just feel incredibly stuck and do not know what to do next, with or about any of you.

this feeling does not change the fact that i love you and them. i love all of them and you.
doing my work has brought me to this space, and right now i feel much loss and loneliness. ALL the covers that were ever all over me, have now been tossed off, and I am bare and cold and hurting. but deep within me i also know, that i need to be in this space. i will find me with in it.
but it hurts, deeply so.

I'm NOT going to go have drinks.
I'm NOT going to go have non-intimate sex.
I am trying not to do much of any of the things i've done in the past to numb myself from what i am feeling right now.
I am trying to own it, feel it, and hopefully find change from within it.


I do believe that from this sheer pain, is coming, finally to me, at the very least, my art.


I have gotten online twice this week, including this morning, while writing this letter out of me, to you. Trying to get myself to even say Hi to you. But i have been and still am stumped. And have just sat here in silence. Feeling paralyzed as to what to do, how to feel. I feel nothing new coming in me as to what to do, so i just have sat here, feeling numb and alone.


I am now literally doing what I do not at all know how to do. And doing my best while being within it.


i just wanted you to know.

love you,
Pieces of Parts

p.s.: sorry if i have repeated myself over and over again in here. i am just too upset to edit and make it all nice nice for you. this is how i feel, and need to let it(me) be SEEN as is.