One Final Piece

To Biker - late late night expression.....

how could i not love the soul that felt this image...

FOTO HE TOOK

for it sings to the soul that felt this one.

FOTO I TOOK

you are loved
even if it's not wanted.

it just is what it is.
Pieces of Parts


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-----Original Message-----
From: biker
To: Pieces
Sent: Sat, 18 Feb 2006 08:49:12 -0500
Subject: Re: a little light headed

' you are loved
even if it's not wanted.'

Says Who?
Dont be silly.
Biker

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* - - ' you are loved
even if it's not wanted.'

Says Who?
Dont be silly.
Biker - - *

We really aren't talking about the same kind of love.
As I stated in my Time Line letter to you.
I can see that now.

If you truly wanted the love I have for you, you wouldn't be living with another woman, and gone from me for countless of months, and fucking the countless others.

Soooo..... your interpretation of what I sent you late last night..... was FRIENDSHIP LOVE.

And somewhere in me there IS that for you.
But I am working on the LOVE I AM feeling. - Which I can see there is none of THAT sort of love in your heart for me.

Stupid thing to be wanting to find out............ while you are living with another woman - whether you have a good relationship with her or NOT! BAD ME.


But this all came over me cause I had a drink last night. Wasn't a big one. A small glass of Baileys Irish Cream. I've been sooooo mad at you, and at me. I've been going thru so many layers of emotions since you told me your new found situation. I've been dealing head on with the terrible relationship I have with my entire family! I've been over-fucking-whelmed with it all and doing my best at being okay.
Suddenly out of me came FEELINGS!!!!!!

And I showed them to you. But you just aren't there. And god only knows how long you haven't!
And THAT HURTS!


Nothing to be done. I feel something that just isn't shared. And I am trying to figure out what is right and best for me, all at the same time.



I just don't feel how YOU feel, right now. I don't know if I ever will.



Love you - my way.
Pieces of Parts


Drinking is just not for me.

Seven Pieces in 2005

I am not mad.
I am just trying to help me be real and be clear and be in my NOW.

Our Time Line 2005

In 2005 I saw you, all together, for 7 weeks out of the entire year.

3 weeks in MS - while helping you to recuperate from your bike fall.

3 weeks in XX after you came back from your 6 month (give or take) stay in MS

2 months + few weeks to NC - TOTAL SHUT OUT

1 weeks time in XX You left on Friday Sept. 30, to head up North to start the fight for your kids. And soon your relationship with NewNorth.

7 weeks

No wonder I feel the way I have been feeling.

I NEEDED some clarity!

And if I really wanna get technical about it.
The 3 weeks in MS, after the third day of me being there, you broke up with KitKat, you gave me the gift of feeling YOU BEING PRESENT. As you had been at our start.

The 3 weeks while you were here, you chose silence and pushing me out, rather than talking to me, about your very raw feelings of what had happened, and how you yourself were feeling and dealing with. I chose to be quiet. My bad.

The one week after getting back from NC, before you headed up north, I'm not sure either one of us knew or understood what was going on between us that week.

So technically we were truly together for 3 weeks in 2005. Where it was two people working to help one another to promote good communication and respect, and the healing of a wounded mind and body. Thru LOVE.

I NEEDED some clarity!
I NEEDED to see my NOW!!

I believe that we love each other.
Fundamentally so.

This true PERIOD. asked of me, to give to ME,
some much NEEDED clarity.

I just need me to be real.
Separate my wantings, from my fantasies and desires.
To what is real and really happening.

Your actions taken over this past year, are what I am looking at NOW. They alone let me see, that the relationship I thought we had, we really no longer have, if we ever really did.

Your actions are showing to me that you have always just wanted a friendship, at least starting at some point in time, while you were with KitKat.
Not a lover.
Even tho your words, at one time, did tell me that you were coming back to be my lover. Your actions taken, show the very opposite.

Just time to be real.

See the connections between my upbringing and what I do in my very own life, to recreate what I know.

I have grown up all mixed up. The folks around me told me they loved me, told me they missed me, but when around me they WORKED and left me alone for hours!!! They do the same thing to this day! And then when it was/is time to for me to leave, then they MISSED/MISS me and TOLD/TELL me they LOVED/LOVE me. I find this most confusing, even to this day.

This true PERIOD. asked of me, to give to ME, some much NEEDED clarity.

This is what I have been having a relationship
with from July 2004 to January 2006

This is my NOW



I DO believe that you love me.
I KNOW I love you.

But to be really clear, you love me as a friend.
and I.... well you know how I love you.

Both are what they are.
Each very real.

I NEED some REAL clarity!

I think I've been waiting all my life for someone else to give me clarity.
I NOW see that ain't gonna happen.
So I figured out a way to give me some, for right now.
Thank God for the habit of writing in a diary.
Thank goodness I kept our communications.
Thank goodness for the digital age of photography,
with dates imbedded in the files

And...
Thank god I've been doing as much work as I have been,
in order to face what truly and so deeply hurts,
and also to be able to do my best to keep my own self standing thru it all.


Love you,
Pieces of Parts

A Father's Plight

From: My Mom
Subject: Contact
Date: February 3, 2006 11:45:46 AM EST
To: Pieces of Parts


Dear Pieces: This long silence had made me extremely unhappy. I would like to renew conact.
Also I hope you will respond to the following invitation:

We are in the process of making plans to go to CA: Mar. 55-220
Mar. 55, evening arrival
Mar. 66, #2 kid has somekind of special day at school
Mar. 77, San Diego to see Famous Person's show
Mar. 88, #1 kid's B'day party (30ish kids)
Mar. 99, #1 kid's 2nd smaller entertainment (4 or 5 kids)
Mar. 220, home
It would be wonderful if you would come with.

All my love, Mom
_________________/____________\____________@

Me to My Mother:

From: Pieces of Parts
Sent: Feb 4, 2006 12:03 PM
To: My Mom
Subject: Re: Contact

Dear Mom,

Renew as you like.

I am not interested in going on another one of these sorts of family
trips.
I have sent a notice to Blood Sister.

By the way, I am aware that you called Shrink.


Love,
Pieces of Parts
_________________/____________\____________@

From: My Father

My Mother forwarded the above letter I sent to her, to my Dad and he responded instead of/for her.
His letter to me:


If Gandhi stood for anything in this world, he stood for tolerance, forgiveness, understanding, love, and togetherness. Pop

_________________/____________\____________@

Keeping Biker involved. His response:

From: Biker
To: Pieces of Parts
Sent: Mon, 06 Feb 2006 16:14:04 -0500
Subject: well.

Your Dad does have a point. All I can say.. Nothing else is surprising to me.
You are doing what you must.
So are they. Let them. Perhaps then they will allow you to in peace.

I love you.
Biker
_________________/____________\____________@
_________________/____________\_______________@

Both my Shrink and I, agreed with Biker's endearing comments made.
They do come from a space within him, that he is very much struggling with. I KNOW this, and TOTALY respect his plight, and love him dearly for facing.

It is a BIG part of letting go of the anger I have been carrying for way too long towards my parents.
If I truly DO want them to accept ME as I am, I must let them be who and how they are.

In that space, I must learn who and how I am, and what I can truly handle and what I can not. What are healthy boundaries, and what is insane - as Tolle speaks of. (Insanity is walking into a situation one is totally aware of, that causes problems for themselves.)

And first and foremost, I must accept who I am.
I am feeling very raw and very vulnerable, very hurt and very curious. I have assumed soooo much about me, according to what others have thought of me, and said to me. I just took much of it all as pure fact. And NOW, now I am questioning ALL of it. ALL that I know about me. Nothing is solid.

I am living in my NOW. It is the ONLY space that makes any real sense to me. When at the same time, NOTHING makes any sense at all!


I have not responded to my Father's e-mail. I have not heard one other word from my Mother. I have not made any communication towards them.
I am just stumped and feel very lost, and overwhelmed. TOTALLY unsure of what sort of relationship I have now with them. And feel that I do not have one at all. I do not really KNOW yet, where to go from here.

So I am just following the faint calling I am feeling within. To do my Art and follow my heart into the Studio to find out what can I do. Show me Pieces, show me.

Who art thee, truly?

Pieces of Parts