Seven Pieces in 2005

I am not mad.
I am just trying to help me be real and be clear and be in my NOW.

Our Time Line 2005

In 2005 I saw you, all together, for 7 weeks out of the entire year.

3 weeks in MS - while helping you to recuperate from your bike fall.

3 weeks in XX after you came back from your 6 month (give or take) stay in MS

2 months + few weeks to NC - TOTAL SHUT OUT

1 weeks time in XX You left on Friday Sept. 30, to head up North to start the fight for your kids. And soon your relationship with NewNorth.

7 weeks

No wonder I feel the way I have been feeling.

I NEEDED some clarity!

And if I really wanna get technical about it.
The 3 weeks in MS, after the third day of me being there, you broke up with KitKat, you gave me the gift of feeling YOU BEING PRESENT. As you had been at our start.

The 3 weeks while you were here, you chose silence and pushing me out, rather than talking to me, about your very raw feelings of what had happened, and how you yourself were feeling and dealing with. I chose to be quiet. My bad.

The one week after getting back from NC, before you headed up north, I'm not sure either one of us knew or understood what was going on between us that week.

So technically we were truly together for 3 weeks in 2005. Where it was two people working to help one another to promote good communication and respect, and the healing of a wounded mind and body. Thru LOVE.

I NEEDED some clarity!
I NEEDED to see my NOW!!

I believe that we love each other.
Fundamentally so.

This true PERIOD. asked of me, to give to ME,
some much NEEDED clarity.

I just need me to be real.
Separate my wantings, from my fantasies and desires.
To what is real and really happening.

Your actions taken over this past year, are what I am looking at NOW. They alone let me see, that the relationship I thought we had, we really no longer have, if we ever really did.

Your actions are showing to me that you have always just wanted a friendship, at least starting at some point in time, while you were with KitKat.
Not a lover.
Even tho your words, at one time, did tell me that you were coming back to be my lover. Your actions taken, show the very opposite.

Just time to be real.

See the connections between my upbringing and what I do in my very own life, to recreate what I know.

I have grown up all mixed up. The folks around me told me they loved me, told me they missed me, but when around me they WORKED and left me alone for hours!!! They do the same thing to this day! And then when it was/is time to for me to leave, then they MISSED/MISS me and TOLD/TELL me they LOVED/LOVE me. I find this most confusing, even to this day.

This true PERIOD. asked of me, to give to ME, some much NEEDED clarity.

This is what I have been having a relationship
with from July 2004 to January 2006

This is my NOW



I DO believe that you love me.
I KNOW I love you.

But to be really clear, you love me as a friend.
and I.... well you know how I love you.

Both are what they are.
Each very real.

I NEED some REAL clarity!

I think I've been waiting all my life for someone else to give me clarity.
I NOW see that ain't gonna happen.
So I figured out a way to give me some, for right now.
Thank God for the habit of writing in a diary.
Thank goodness I kept our communications.
Thank goodness for the digital age of photography,
with dates imbedded in the files

And...
Thank god I've been doing as much work as I have been,
in order to face what truly and so deeply hurts,
and also to be able to do my best to keep my own self standing thru it all.


Love you,
Pieces of Parts