Untwisting Pieces

Choosing to quit at having the Spotlight job on Biker, and choosing once again, but in awake status to "shut out" my folks, I am truly this time, finding ME.

In many ways, Biker was perfect for me, and yes, I was ready to look at my part in my own deep unhappiness-es. All across the board. I had had so long to be alone, without a mate, without intimate feelings for another, without the holding hands connections, and without that kind of drama.

I had already started to come out of my shell when I met Biker. I had already, long since, been trying to do things differently, I had long since been struggling with my feelings of it being time to reach out and let someone else touch me. Both emotionally and physically.

He touched me EVERY WHERE. There was nothing that he didn't show to me. In fact, it has been endless. I learned about the Mirroring of others thru my studies of the book You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise L. Hay. For YEARS I have been reading and rereading that book, along with seeing a good Shrink once a week for years. Ms. Hay was able, for me, to break down tons of the feelings that for me, were totally numb. She broken them down into the tiniest of pieces. A way of writing that absolutely SCREAMS, in an intensely loving form, to me. Without insult, but in total respect of the feelings held, and the healing that can be obtained thru looking at them - thru bringing them into the light. Honoring them, by feeling and respecting each one. Holding them as real. And then giving them a chance to be let go of.

She taught me first and foremost how to see answers in everything that can happen in ones day. With small practicing steps, I started by asking myself a question before going to sleep. And being offered the answer if not the next day, then maybe the one after that. Soon the depressed person in me, was finding a reason of wanting to get up and out in the mornings. I wanted to catch another answer to the question I'd posed the night before. My pieces were building anew.
She says all the people in our lives are our teachers. They all mirror to us, something in them, that we either wish we had in ourselves, or have already. This was the next phase of my Healing.
It has grown enormously so! I do both all the time. They are ingrained in me. Sometimes too much so. And I am in a space right now, where I am still taking in such lessons, but also paying much more attention to what I have already learned and using that. Which has led me into turbo mode of practicing, with diligence, being in my NOW.

Staying in my present moment. Accepting it as it is. Allowing it's time to be felt and therefore honored. I get headaches and stomach aches when I take myself into my past, or to my future. All very safe spaces for me to be in, but old and total drama, and totally keeping everyone in my life in a very stuck space. I then do an Allow NOW. meditation, and I am once again in my NOW.

Right now, I feel very raw. As if all my wiring is exposed. Something is making each one of the exposed wires, spark. And in those sparks are coming answers, faster than I have time to write them down. But OH can I SEE and FEEL them. It's wonderful and yet extremely painful and rawly REAL.

I am NOT turning away from anything I am seeing right NOW. I am getting SO many answers to SO many of my years and years of tearful and terrorizing questions. My years and years of sobbing in the dark. And my Not Good Enough numb, debilitating, demeaning, self destructive, too hard on myself feelings. From the child left alone, to the child smothered, to the adult left alone and in "either or" syndrome.

My job of Spotlight is on me NOW. Fully. Everything is being brought into the light. It does not want to hide anymore. It can not. It will not.

Ms. 17: is learning discipline and with practice she will evolve into the person she's been fighting to be. In peace.
Ms. CRAZY: is learning that she was real. And that most of what she felt was her own self going against her own self. Not being seen, nor heard, made her feel crazy and so she acted it out.
Ms. Illness: She is learning that she might not be so ill after all.
Ms. Not Good Enough: She is learning that she just might be, and always was, even when first leaving her Mother's womb and seen by my Father's too judgmental eyes, GOOD ENOUGH.

Those voices, those feelings are these:

Distinguishing Intuition from Other Voices

While reading the chapter above, I was in the deepest of tears. Because for far too many years, I really thought I was CRAZY and MAD and not good enough to have a life, let alone a loving male partner-man. That I was only good enough for the little bits of SEEings and Missings from the men I did attract. Which then all felt like "soul mates," but then that only meant they were exactly what I'd been brought up with. My God. My Fathers way of showing me his love.

They are me, and We are all one. I am NOT Sybil, as my Ms. Illness has thought for years!

I have been in the midst of pulling all those unwanted voices in my head, together. Getting them to stop their fighting against one another, and make peace. To understand that they are all me, and I am all of them, and that I must allow each one to have their own space inside my mind. And then to take all of them and mindfully let the silence take them all over, so I can be in my NOW. And help me to truly find out who and how much CHOICE I can truly have in my present moment.
I don't know who I am both inside and out. I only know too well my Victim. I NOW feel her presence. She NOW needs my love. She longs for it, she begs it of me, to give it freely, and intentionally, to HER first, before all others. My own tender loving care. And understanding. She is SO hurt. I've been beating her up for way too too too long. Beaten up and twisted up, as I was taught, and then did to me, cause that is all I knew.

"Untwist me Pieces! Please, even if you don't know how!"

I only KNOW, what I do NOT KNOW. I only feel what is right, when I don't think. My Body is leading me NOW. My vulnerability is showing it's self, and I am letting it lead me, guide me, nurture me...... heal me, in the practicing of learning to Love and Respect me. I do not understand any of it. I've never had it before, it is unknown. And it is oddly known to be just right.


Pieces of Parts