Supported Shadow
The Dream
I was after a Serial Killer. One who had killed many women. I was helping the police in trying to find him. I was hot on his trail.
I had figured out a lot myself and was walking in his foot steps, following my leads and finding them to be right. I was right behind him. That's what it felt like, or so I thought.
I was in a diner talking to all the waitresses he'd been chatting up for a long time. I was making friends with them to get the information that I wanted. We were all giggling and chatting about him and how they felt he was an odd ball, and came by every day. As we all were chatting, the bun to my sandwich that had taken so long to get just "right" by the cook, oddly fell to the ground.
As I went to pick it up, I thought to myself and visualized HIS work boot - the ones I knew he wore when he killed his female victims, and how He could have been, at one time, standing right there, where my bun had landed. I was asking myself did I really want to eat the bun now, cause of that thought?!
The next moment I was standing with my back to the "Killing Field." The moon was shining rather intensely. The field felt empty. There was a dirt road way far off at the other end of the field, which I could see with the moonlight. Although my back was turned with my face away from the field, I was also standing off to the far left side of my human body, watching me. So there were two Pieces'. Both of which I felt simultaneously. SELF-STALKING-Pieces was looking back at the field and realized that in the moonlight I could see green grass that had grown about 5 inches high, all over the area.
I looked at the grass then back to Me - Pieces. Watching as She teetered on the edge of the pavement that surrounded the one side of the field I could really see. I watched Me as I waited for him to come.
I, KNOWING-Pieces, glanced one more time back at the green grass, and as my eyes moved slowly back to Pieces, I suddenly realized that HE was and had been, long since, standing right next to Her! I was absolutely shocked to see him there!
He was to her right. He was standing so close to her that I wondered why she couldn't see him or feel that he was so near her! HE stood there. turning his head to gaze at her, with a very evil look in his eyes porting an equally evil grin. He looked back down at the other end of the field, in the same direction I had, and then back to gaze evilly at Pieces.
He was wearing a plaid flannel shirt and was well shaven, with well kept short brown hair. He just stood there, next to her. Doing the same thing she was. Teetering on the edge of the pavement. Gazing at her, grin full of evil, he was the meaning of Evil.
The SELF-STALKING-Pieces that was standing watching the other Pieces was wondering still why Pieces hadn't noticed him yet, even after all this time. But the Pieces there, teetering, KNEW.
And She also knew she was ....................
............. I woke up in the state of Knowing that I was ..................... just about to meet HIM.
And I did.
Dream Reading
The feeling that was overwhelming in KNOWING was that I was being Shadowed in the dream. And once I thought about things, I also knew that I have been feeling Shadowed in my awake days of late.
A VERY strong feeling of someone being AFTER me, from within, has been thoroughly stressing me out. All sorts of answers to tons and tons of questions have been racing thru my brain and going on in my Dreams. If I do not write them down as soon as I wake up, they are gone. Because my mind is racing as soon as I breath my first mornings breath, the dreams are really gone even by then. So to have caught this one, enough to write it down and then share it with Shrink, is astounding to me.
For a few weeks now, probably longer, I have been waking up from these sorts of Dreams, speaking out loud.
I have followed these statements making them happen in my awake state. Just as I have done when I have found my art work in my dreams. SAME.
The serial killer in this dream seemed to me to be very "smart." He'd been getting away with his murders for years. Was devious and conning. Knew how to manipulate the system. Had been playing with me, all along during the dream.
Where did I find such a feeling in my awake life? With my Father. In sharing the steps that my Father takes that lure me into his trap, I could feel the Shadow Being in the room with me with Shrink. Since i felt VERY SAFE, I indulged in the feelings brought about.
There is ALWAYS some thing happening that is cool and exciting and history making, in many cases, having to do with getting together with my Father. But along with that, is something I call "a payment." I've never gotten anything for Free. That is, I've never felt that I have participated or something was given to me, without some nasty trick being hurled at me afterwards. Unconsciously I'm always "looking for it" but by the time I am aware of it, I'm in the middle of it. And for the most part, already bitten by the game, and for the most part - murdered by it.
It happens ALL the time. On all sorts of levels. Major roles and tiny little cheap ones. Much of the time, I feel like someone is after me. Watching my every move. At some point, and it never has NOT happened, I am going to be pounced on. Murdered for Being Me. Every inch of me targeted. Home where the Heart is, is the "Killing Field" for me. All the other woman, killed before in the field in the dream, were all my own Me's, thru out my life's time, thus far.
Because, in the dream, I SAW Shadow, I have brought HIM into the Light in both aspects of my life: unconscious (while sleeping) and conscious (awake). In awake state I FEEL HIM NOW. I feel my OWN Fathered behavior within ME. I feel the MAN energy, at my side, shadowing my every move. Shadowing my every want and desire. "Sweetly" breaking it down so that in no time flat, I am talked out of doing it or feeling something different and new. But mostly, being cut to shreds, broken down into pieces of being NOT GOOD ENOUGH for what ever is in front of me. ALL things. On ALL levels. ALL the time, while in my awake state of Being.
The Killer in my dream was Cunning. Devious. Manipulative. Sharp. Smart. Handsome. Well groomed. Ingenious at getting someone in his trap. Underhanded. With his own best interest at heart, at the cost of another or any other. The look in his eyes - both a Devil's glare and a loving, warm, inviting gaze.
All an easy next step into I miss you Pieces and I love you, thru which the pounce on my Being is about to take place, with murder as the ending result. The "Killing Field." The end of Me.
My Shadow is in the Light. I brought him into it. I lured him. I WORKED MY ASS OFF TO FIND HIM.
My Shadow is my taught behavior.
My Shadow is a part of me.
HE is ME.
I am HIM.
So how can I bring His attributes into my life as a whole? How can I incorporate them positively? How can I allow them to become my support system as a whole, rather than the continuation of too many Crazy and mean to me Parts? How can I allow me to stop the patterns He allows to bring to me, that keep me in my old taught patterns and accepted behaviors? ...
HIS (by what I felt within the dream - and feel keeping me company during my days)
Cunning Marked by or given to artful subtlety and deceptiveness.
Devious Departing from the correct or accepted way; erring: achieved success by devious means.
Sharp Intellectually penetrating; astute
Smart Showing mental alertness and calculation and resourcefulness
Handsome pleasing in appearance especially by reason of conformity to ideals of form and proportion; "a fine-looking woman"; "a good-looking man"; "better-looking than her sister"; "very pretty but not so extraordinarily handsome"- Thackeray; "our
southern women are well-favored"- Lillian Hellman
Groomed Care for the external appearance
Ingenious Very clever; brilliant
Underhanded Marked by or done in a deceptive, secret, or sly manner; dishonest and sneaky.
Manipulative Serving, tending, or having the power to manipulate.
... By accepting each one as being within me NOW. That I can take them all in and turn them around and make them work FOR me, rather than against me. Allow each one to Show to me what I am truly capable of.
For NOW, I am using the phrase: "I hear you." When ever He says his ugly old comments." I hear you Shadow, I really hear you." And I mean it too. I hear him, and I am watching what He does to me. What he really brings about within me and out of me. In the end, I KNOW in my heart, I will NOT be following him. I AM actively doing my BEST not to follow him. I AM actively listening to him. I AM actively assessing what He is saying. I am Self-Stalking. I am KNOWING. And I AM making some really important connections. I am of the understanding that this is a process and that I do not expect myself to find perfection and or A FIX.
I am, however, VERY EXCITED to have felt this powerful turn from within. To have felt and am feeling a true sense of undivided support and a listening partner from deep within my own self. The loneliness I have carried along with me from as far back as I can remember, is getting filled. WITH ME!!!! I am finally pulling my own self out of my own crib! My own hiding place. One giant step NOW at a time.
Honoring ALL the small steps leading up to these NOW big butt kicking ones!!
VERY SCARY!! And totally, but totally supported and listened to, and HEARD and Loved...... by Me to Me. Giving to me, what I felt come from Biker, at first meeting, and no other Man. NOW my Him, is giving it to me!
Shrink has been telling me for years now..... that a healthy relationship can only be created if both parties involved are 100% their very own persons. That being only 50% on both parts, does not create a whole. I never understood him, I couldn't wrap that around my brain. I thought a man would come into my life and SAVE me from, if anything, my Father.
Biker showed me that I had to be 100%, in a real and healthy intimate relationship. And that within that 100%, a supportive man, doing his own work, and he being his own 100%, could help me to deal with the problems that could arise. It was really wonderful. And the exchanges showed to me that I was, and am totally capable of communicating my own needs and wants, when felt not threatened by a "Killing Field" mentality. It was nice to feel such a real possibility.
And NOW, here I am, at the beginning stages of bringing and giving to me, 100%. The work at filling up the space I have been calling "I'm sooooo lonely" all my life. My search for the filling up of the Lonely, is no longer to be found in the Killing Fields of the men I attracted, and situations I used, or was used within, to allow my taught behavior of self Lonely & self UnLoved to continue.
Unreal, and yet so freaking REAL. And in my NOW, I am beginning to feel the state of being, well surrounded by my very own feelings of Respect for my very own Plight, of my very own Work, all done purely out of my very own Determination, and Perseverance. Working on loving me Unconditionally - as I have offered so freely to Biker and far too many others.
I feel TRULY humbled. And VERY fundamentally supported by Pieces of all her Parts.
---------\-------------/----------@
Dreams are wonderfully healing, when the time is taken to get the information they offer within them, out of them. Doing this work with Shrink all these years has been more than awesome. It's been, many times, more helpful than the sessions of describing the events of what has been going on in my awake state of mind. They are wonderful guides to what is really going on in my life, within me, away from all the outer dramas. I have gone from having dreams of utter horror, to dreams of information offered by another part of me, that thinks with images, and offers me pure answers. When then interpreted, the information is SEEN, and then acknowledged and then OWNED. After they are owned, fully - I can turn my own stuck page and MOVE ON. And most important of all, I get supported 100%, from deep within. Bringing ALL of me, wholeness and peace.
---------\-------------/----------@
I was after a Serial Killer. One who had killed many women. I was helping the police in trying to find him. I was hot on his trail.
I had figured out a lot myself and was walking in his foot steps, following my leads and finding them to be right. I was right behind him. That's what it felt like, or so I thought.
I was in a diner talking to all the waitresses he'd been chatting up for a long time. I was making friends with them to get the information that I wanted. We were all giggling and chatting about him and how they felt he was an odd ball, and came by every day. As we all were chatting, the bun to my sandwich that had taken so long to get just "right" by the cook, oddly fell to the ground.
As I went to pick it up, I thought to myself and visualized HIS work boot - the ones I knew he wore when he killed his female victims, and how He could have been, at one time, standing right there, where my bun had landed. I was asking myself did I really want to eat the bun now, cause of that thought?!
The next moment I was standing with my back to the "Killing Field." The moon was shining rather intensely. The field felt empty. There was a dirt road way far off at the other end of the field, which I could see with the moonlight. Although my back was turned with my face away from the field, I was also standing off to the far left side of my human body, watching me. So there were two Pieces'. Both of which I felt simultaneously. SELF-STALKING-Pieces was looking back at the field and realized that in the moonlight I could see green grass that had grown about 5 inches high, all over the area.
I looked at the grass then back to Me - Pieces. Watching as She teetered on the edge of the pavement that surrounded the one side of the field I could really see. I watched Me as I waited for him to come.
I, KNOWING-Pieces, glanced one more time back at the green grass, and as my eyes moved slowly back to Pieces, I suddenly realized that HE was and had been, long since, standing right next to Her! I was absolutely shocked to see him there!
He was to her right. He was standing so close to her that I wondered why she couldn't see him or feel that he was so near her! HE stood there. turning his head to gaze at her, with a very evil look in his eyes porting an equally evil grin. He looked back down at the other end of the field, in the same direction I had, and then back to gaze evilly at Pieces.
He was wearing a plaid flannel shirt and was well shaven, with well kept short brown hair. He just stood there, next to her. Doing the same thing she was. Teetering on the edge of the pavement. Gazing at her, grin full of evil, he was the meaning of Evil.
The SELF-STALKING-Pieces that was standing watching the other Pieces was wondering still why Pieces hadn't noticed him yet, even after all this time. But the Pieces there, teetering, KNEW.
And She also knew she was ....................
............. I woke up in the state of Knowing that I was ..................... just about to meet HIM.
And I did.
Dream Reading
The feeling that was overwhelming in KNOWING was that I was being Shadowed in the dream. And once I thought about things, I also knew that I have been feeling Shadowed in my awake days of late.
A VERY strong feeling of someone being AFTER me, from within, has been thoroughly stressing me out. All sorts of answers to tons and tons of questions have been racing thru my brain and going on in my Dreams. If I do not write them down as soon as I wake up, they are gone. Because my mind is racing as soon as I breath my first mornings breath, the dreams are really gone even by then. So to have caught this one, enough to write it down and then share it with Shrink, is astounding to me.
For a few weeks now, probably longer, I have been waking up from these sorts of Dreams, speaking out loud.
I have followed these statements making them happen in my awake state. Just as I have done when I have found my art work in my dreams. SAME.
The serial killer in this dream seemed to me to be very "smart." He'd been getting away with his murders for years. Was devious and conning. Knew how to manipulate the system. Had been playing with me, all along during the dream.
Where did I find such a feeling in my awake life? With my Father. In sharing the steps that my Father takes that lure me into his trap, I could feel the Shadow Being in the room with me with Shrink. Since i felt VERY SAFE, I indulged in the feelings brought about.
There is ALWAYS some thing happening that is cool and exciting and history making, in many cases, having to do with getting together with my Father. But along with that, is something I call "a payment." I've never gotten anything for Free. That is, I've never felt that I have participated or something was given to me, without some nasty trick being hurled at me afterwards. Unconsciously I'm always "looking for it" but by the time I am aware of it, I'm in the middle of it. And for the most part, already bitten by the game, and for the most part - murdered by it.
It happens ALL the time. On all sorts of levels. Major roles and tiny little cheap ones. Much of the time, I feel like someone is after me. Watching my every move. At some point, and it never has NOT happened, I am going to be pounced on. Murdered for Being Me. Every inch of me targeted. Home where the Heart is, is the "Killing Field" for me. All the other woman, killed before in the field in the dream, were all my own Me's, thru out my life's time, thus far.
Because, in the dream, I SAW Shadow, I have brought HIM into the Light in both aspects of my life: unconscious (while sleeping) and conscious (awake). In awake state I FEEL HIM NOW. I feel my OWN Fathered behavior within ME. I feel the MAN energy, at my side, shadowing my every move. Shadowing my every want and desire. "Sweetly" breaking it down so that in no time flat, I am talked out of doing it or feeling something different and new. But mostly, being cut to shreds, broken down into pieces of being NOT GOOD ENOUGH for what ever is in front of me. ALL things. On ALL levels. ALL the time, while in my awake state of Being.
The Killer in my dream was Cunning. Devious. Manipulative. Sharp. Smart. Handsome. Well groomed. Ingenious at getting someone in his trap. Underhanded. With his own best interest at heart, at the cost of another or any other. The look in his eyes - both a Devil's glare and a loving, warm, inviting gaze.
All an easy next step into I miss you Pieces and I love you, thru which the pounce on my Being is about to take place, with murder as the ending result. The "Killing Field." The end of Me.
My Shadow is in the Light. I brought him into it. I lured him. I WORKED MY ASS OFF TO FIND HIM.
My Shadow is my taught behavior.
My Shadow is a part of me.
HE is ME.
I am HIM.
So how can I bring His attributes into my life as a whole? How can I incorporate them positively? How can I allow them to become my support system as a whole, rather than the continuation of too many Crazy and mean to me Parts? How can I allow me to stop the patterns He allows to bring to me, that keep me in my old taught patterns and accepted behaviors? ...
HIS (by what I felt within the dream - and feel keeping me company during my days)
Cunning Marked by or given to artful subtlety and deceptiveness.
Devious Departing from the correct or accepted way; erring: achieved success by devious means.
Sharp Intellectually penetrating; astute
Smart Showing mental alertness and calculation and resourcefulness
Handsome pleasing in appearance especially by reason of conformity to ideals of form and proportion; "a fine-looking woman"; "a good-looking man"; "better-looking than her sister"; "very pretty but not so extraordinarily handsome"- Thackeray; "our
southern women are well-favored"- Lillian Hellman
Groomed Care for the external appearance
Ingenious Very clever; brilliant
Underhanded Marked by or done in a deceptive, secret, or sly manner; dishonest and sneaky.
Manipulative Serving, tending, or having the power to manipulate.
... By accepting each one as being within me NOW. That I can take them all in and turn them around and make them work FOR me, rather than against me. Allow each one to Show to me what I am truly capable of.
For NOW, I am using the phrase: "I hear you." When ever He says his ugly old comments." I hear you Shadow, I really hear you." And I mean it too. I hear him, and I am watching what He does to me. What he really brings about within me and out of me. In the end, I KNOW in my heart, I will NOT be following him. I AM actively doing my BEST not to follow him. I AM actively listening to him. I AM actively assessing what He is saying. I am Self-Stalking. I am KNOWING. And I AM making some really important connections. I am of the understanding that this is a process and that I do not expect myself to find perfection and or A FIX.
I am, however, VERY EXCITED to have felt this powerful turn from within. To have felt and am feeling a true sense of undivided support and a listening partner from deep within my own self. The loneliness I have carried along with me from as far back as I can remember, is getting filled. WITH ME!!!! I am finally pulling my own self out of my own crib! My own hiding place. One giant step NOW at a time.
Honoring ALL the small steps leading up to these NOW big butt kicking ones!!
VERY SCARY!! And totally, but totally supported and listened to, and HEARD and Loved...... by Me to Me. Giving to me, what I felt come from Biker, at first meeting, and no other Man. NOW my Him, is giving it to me!
Shrink has been telling me for years now..... that a healthy relationship can only be created if both parties involved are 100% their very own persons. That being only 50% on both parts, does not create a whole. I never understood him, I couldn't wrap that around my brain. I thought a man would come into my life and SAVE me from, if anything, my Father.
Biker showed me that I had to be 100%, in a real and healthy intimate relationship. And that within that 100%, a supportive man, doing his own work, and he being his own 100%, could help me to deal with the problems that could arise. It was really wonderful. And the exchanges showed to me that I was, and am totally capable of communicating my own needs and wants, when felt not threatened by a "Killing Field" mentality. It was nice to feel such a real possibility.
And NOW, here I am, at the beginning stages of bringing and giving to me, 100%. The work at filling up the space I have been calling "I'm sooooo lonely" all my life. My search for the filling up of the Lonely, is no longer to be found in the Killing Fields of the men I attracted, and situations I used, or was used within, to allow my taught behavior of self Lonely & self UnLoved to continue.
Unreal, and yet so freaking REAL. And in my NOW, I am beginning to feel the state of being, well surrounded by my very own feelings of Respect for my very own Plight, of my very own Work, all done purely out of my very own Determination, and Perseverance. Working on loving me Unconditionally - as I have offered so freely to Biker and far too many others.
I feel TRULY humbled. And VERY fundamentally supported by Pieces of all her Parts.
---------\-------------/----------@
Dreams are wonderfully healing, when the time is taken to get the information they offer within them, out of them. Doing this work with Shrink all these years has been more than awesome. It's been, many times, more helpful than the sessions of describing the events of what has been going on in my awake state of mind. They are wonderful guides to what is really going on in my life, within me, away from all the outer dramas. I have gone from having dreams of utter horror, to dreams of information offered by another part of me, that thinks with images, and offers me pure answers. When then interpreted, the information is SEEN, and then acknowledged and then OWNED. After they are owned, fully - I can turn my own stuck page and MOVE ON. And most important of all, I get supported 100%, from deep within. Bringing ALL of me, wholeness and peace.
---------\-------------/----------@
posted by Pieces Of Parts at Tuesday, May 02, 2006
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home