Humbling Holiday Pieces Part 2
Hi Poet,
Below is the email I sent to my Mother, telling her I was changing my mind about the day trip.
I think having this bruised toe has helped me, once again, put me in the forefront of my world - my needs first.
Last night I had another dream about being pregnant. And woke up with the real feeling and the physical act, of checking, by patting, my belly saying no no your not pregnant Pieces, over and over again.
(pregnant dreams are happening each time I stand up for myself from deep down within me)
Later on this morning I kept falling asleep over and over again, and within those bits of sleep I had a strong sense that the phone was going to ring. Just something undefined about the phone ringing.
The first time I picked it up, there was no one.
The 2nd was my Friend who'd asked me to drive him to DC - he let me off.
Hours later, with more defined feelings of "needing" to answer the phone - The 3rd call was my Mom.
She was calling about the email below.
She "needed" to know what was going on. I told her just a bit more information, but basically just confirmed the information in the email.
I also made the choice to not go, because overall, I couldn't handle making this reconnection about introducing them to a new person. It didn't feel "right." I didn't want to end up feeling like a "hostess" feeling any feelings of "needing" to take care of you, take care of them with you and so on. It would have been just too much, along with my own frightened feelings to deal with. Too much extra stuff, that really when i looked at it, seemed to have nothing to do with anything really important.
And that the real truth was and is, that I have not been feeling very well. And to go up there now, was only to appease my Mother. And that in a big way I'd be walking into my own Killing Field, cause I'd feel very vulnerable to my Father's watching me - cause I feel unhappy and uncomfortable with my Body and Being - which is why I've made the appointment to see my doctor in the first place.
This is the bruised toes gift to me.
Just wanted to up date you on the day trip front.
Going back to put more ice on my toe.
Loves,
Pieces of Parts
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Dear Mom,
I thought maybe I could handle a relatively "short" day road trip, but I am really too uncomfortable to travel right now. I have an appointment with my doctor, but am also on a cancelation list, in hopes of being able to see her sooner.
And with the weather having changed up from chilly to humid hot so quickly, I am even more uncomfortable now.
I think it is best to put this reconnection off. Until another, more healthy, and less stress-filled time frame, shows it's self.
If there is something you wanted to show me in the house, I suggest you photograph it and send the fotos my way. I can burn them to a cd and keep that information safe, if need be.
Love you,
Pieces
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi
------------\-------------/--------@
While I was writing this email to you, I got the email below from my Dad.
It is really amazing at how much, word for word Biker has been like my father. I could very easliy change the names in this email to From Biker rather than From Pop.
I believe both of them equally so. Which means I don't really and question those feelings.
Very sad space to be in as far as my Dad. But NOW I know many of the reasons that I do feel the way that I do. Thanks in big part, to Biker for showing them all to me. Thanks to me for being willing to Look.
Dearest Pieces, I want you to know two things that you already know: I love you and miss you, and I admire and respect everything you do. Pop
------------\-------------/--------@
---------------\-------------/--------@
Poets response:
Subject: bravo
Dearest Pieces
I've ignored the computer all weekend ... actually
all week. So I just read your decision re. your trip.
I'm amazed at your ability to continue to take care
of yourself by staying in the present and paying attention
to your feelings. BUT then I read, last week, your blog and its
powerful and full of your process and makes quite
evident the work you have done. You've written in
in prose what I struggled to write in poetry ... and my
own journal. Like me you seem to be a late bloomer.
And after all the pain will come the joy and resolution.
May you be open to it. I have found it a struggle. But
I continue to chide myself: "If you could stand the pain
you can stand the joy."
I've always said DEALING WITH PARENTS IS TOO
HARD TO DO WITHOUT HELP ... and I had fairly nice
and benign parents. My subtle problems made it harder
in some ways. BUT BACK TO YOU - WELL DONE!!!!!!!!!
WOOFWOOF!!
Poet
------------\-------------/--------@
------------\-------------/---------@
------------\-------------/----------@
Below is the email I sent to my Mother, telling her I was changing my mind about the day trip.
I think having this bruised toe has helped me, once again, put me in the forefront of my world - my needs first.
Last night I had another dream about being pregnant. And woke up with the real feeling and the physical act, of checking, by patting, my belly saying no no your not pregnant Pieces, over and over again.
(pregnant dreams are happening each time I stand up for myself from deep down within me)
Later on this morning I kept falling asleep over and over again, and within those bits of sleep I had a strong sense that the phone was going to ring. Just something undefined about the phone ringing.
The first time I picked it up, there was no one.
The 2nd was my Friend who'd asked me to drive him to DC - he let me off.
Hours later, with more defined feelings of "needing" to answer the phone - The 3rd call was my Mom.
She was calling about the email below.
She "needed" to know what was going on. I told her just a bit more information, but basically just confirmed the information in the email.
I also made the choice to not go, because overall, I couldn't handle making this reconnection about introducing them to a new person. It didn't feel "right." I didn't want to end up feeling like a "hostess" feeling any feelings of "needing" to take care of you, take care of them with you and so on. It would have been just too much, along with my own frightened feelings to deal with. Too much extra stuff, that really when i looked at it, seemed to have nothing to do with anything really important.
And that the real truth was and is, that I have not been feeling very well. And to go up there now, was only to appease my Mother. And that in a big way I'd be walking into my own Killing Field, cause I'd feel very vulnerable to my Father's watching me - cause I feel unhappy and uncomfortable with my Body and Being - which is why I've made the appointment to see my doctor in the first place.
This is the bruised toes gift to me.
Just wanted to up date you on the day trip front.
Going back to put more ice on my toe.
Loves,
Pieces of Parts
------------\-------------/--------@
Dear Mom,
I thought maybe I could handle a relatively "short" day road trip, but I am really too uncomfortable to travel right now. I have an appointment with my doctor, but am also on a cancelation list, in hopes of being able to see her sooner.
And with the weather having changed up from chilly to humid hot so quickly, I am even more uncomfortable now.
I think it is best to put this reconnection off. Until another, more healthy, and less stress-filled time frame, shows it's self.
If there is something you wanted to show me in the house, I suggest you photograph it and send the fotos my way. I can burn them to a cd and keep that information safe, if need be.
Love you,
Pieces
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi
------------\-------------/--------@
While I was writing this email to you, I got the email below from my Dad.
It is really amazing at how much, word for word Biker has been like my father. I could very easliy change the names in this email to From Biker rather than From Pop.
I believe both of them equally so. Which means I don't really and question those feelings.
Very sad space to be in as far as my Dad. But NOW I know many of the reasons that I do feel the way that I do. Thanks in big part, to Biker for showing them all to me. Thanks to me for being willing to Look.
Dearest Pieces, I want you to know two things that you already know: I love you and miss you, and I admire and respect everything you do. Pop
------------\-------------/--------@
---------------\-------------/--------@
Poets response:
Subject: bravo
Dearest Pieces
I've ignored the computer all weekend ... actually
all week. So I just read your decision re. your trip.
I'm amazed at your ability to continue to take care
of yourself by staying in the present and paying attention
to your feelings. BUT then I read, last week, your blog and its
powerful and full of your process and makes quite
evident the work you have done. You've written in
in prose what I struggled to write in poetry ... and my
own journal. Like me you seem to be a late bloomer.
And after all the pain will come the joy and resolution.
May you be open to it. I have found it a struggle. But
I continue to chide myself: "If you could stand the pain
you can stand the joy."
I've always said DEALING WITH PARENTS IS TOO
HARD TO DO WITHOUT HELP ... and I had fairly nice
and benign parents. My subtle problems made it harder
in some ways. BUT BACK TO YOU - WELL DONE!!!!!!!!!
WOOFWOOF!!
Poet
------------\-------------/--------@
------------\-------------/---------@
------------\-------------/----------@
posted by Pieces Of Parts at Monday, June 05, 2006
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