Humbling Holiday Pieces
Subject: humbling holiday sightings
Dearest Spirit-Sister,
I came back from my Aromatherapy class late and didn't feel like getting online or talking.... so cooled out and then went to bed.
I learned a lot of deep things this past long weekend.
The main thing being, that I have been very unhealthy towards you.
I realized that very quickly, almost without thought, I transfered many of the same feelings i've been grappling with towards Biker, onto you. Although, in my opinion, that act was jeopardizing our friendship, I am also grateful that it happened. Because a BIG part of me has not felt "in love"
with Biker, but rather codependent or outer-dependent of him. And I believe now, I just merely transfered those feelings from him to you.
This act, has shown to me rather LOUDLY, that the feelings I carry have nothing to do with anyone but me. And how I fundamentally feel about my own self, and my own life. I have been questioning myself all along in my relationship with Biker, as to weather or not I love or loved him. I have
been, long since, discussing this with Shrink. And I know I have mentioned it with you. Nevertheless, I have not truly believed that I loved him, for countless of reasons. And have been wanting to separate the unhealthiness of outer-dependency, with truly loving
someone.
What I feel I know you have been feeling coming from me since NewMan came into your life, has been my outer-dependency at work. Period.
Having transfered it onto you, was shocking. But it was right. In that. I do not love you as I said I loved Biker. Feeling those particular feelings towards and with you MADE NO SENSE. And THAT was the gift! They made no sense. Therefore they were ill and unhealthy, and not about "being in love"
with someone. But rather about having unhealthy expectations in my relationships. Period.
I am sure I have been this way with other girlfriends. But I was too "sick" to feel any differences. So I just kept going. Transferring feelings. Which didn't feel that way at all, but just felt like my life and the way it "always" worked.
I am not saying that these unhealthy feelings have just left me because I have now SEEN them. They are there. I am grappling with them and will be. And in part, right now, feel scared to come around you. I don't want to jeopardize anymore of our friendship, nor your relationship with NewMan - via
talking to me about it. I don't want to bring out of you the defensiveness I know that I have, because of some ungodly unhealthy action or comment I've made that brings it about.
I'm trying hard not to make you into my Monster or me into yours. Trying to stay focused as remaining your friend, who is just dealing head on with her problems.
This holiday weekend has shown me nothing but unhealthiness. Coming at me from all sorts of different places and people. And then from within me, and towards me. I nearly broke my little toe, which MADE me sit and do nothing, which I didn't find so easy to do. And ignored it at first. But then it got so bad and bloated that I could do nothing but put ice on it and just sit. And sit. And sit. And as I sat, I felt my high come down, and my feelings come out, and the real deal face me. And I looked.
Being very honest.
I have been feeling jealous of your new friendships. NewMan. NewFriend and so on.
I have been feeling jealous of all the time taken up by your jobs.
I have been feeling left out of your knitting time.
I have been feeling abandoned by all of it. Compounded by the feelings I have been feeling about and towards Biker.
In those jealous places, I have become nasty. Saying hurtful things and implying god knows what to you. NONE of them my truths. Just unhealthy.
In looking within: I found myself to have allowed me to continue to have unhealthy friends, or creating unhealthy situations, and to not have more healthy ones. NOT your responsibility! Just unhealthy.
In looking within: I found myself feeling very stuck in the apartment, not able to create any art work whatsoever. NOT your responsibility! Just unhealthy.
In looking within: I have stopped my own self from having knitting time. And even more problematic, I have no one else besides you, to knit with. NOT your responsibility! Just unhealthy.
In looking within: I have abandoned my own self on these important exchanges, with my own self, and others. And my relationship with Biker, was over a long time ago. What I have been really dealing with, is my own outer-dependency of him or with him. And he is just a symbol of that work at this point. NOT your responsibility! Just unhealthy.
I have come full circle NOW. Where I am right NOW, is where I was when I first went into the yarn shop and asked LOwner if I could just come in and knit to get some company. I was alone then. Just coming out of my shell.
I have also come full circle in the cycle I went thru with Biker. At the start of our relationship I was feeling very lonely, and I am there again. Only because I did all things differently in this "boyfriend" cycle, I am now in a differently place, this time facing my reasons for the loneliness. And choosing to move thru it, head on.
Shrink fully agrees on both cycles.
Having transfered those feelings on to you, having them make no sense whatsoever to being there, propelled me to face what truly hurts. I am responsible for my own life. My own loneliness, my own knitting time and so on. It is not right nor healthy for me to be "waiting for someone" to save
me from it all.
And now I know that is what I have been feeling coming from Shrink these past few weeks now. I believe he saw what I was doing with you, and therefore has been really focused on keeping me focused on me moving forward and creating my own pathway to all around independence.
I am deeply sorry if I have hurt you in any way during this joyous time for you. But again. I do think it had to happen in order for me to finally, and fully, and truly be able to see the illness in me, facing what hurts, so that I could help my own self, show me new choices on how to save my own
truest self.
I had to be honest with you Spirit-Sister. That is the foundation of our friendship.
You deserved to know what's been going on within me, that I know you have felt coming out of me towards you these past few months.
I had to honor our friendship, our own relationship.
No matter what it's out come.
I Love you,
Pieces of Parts
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi
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Subject: Re: humbling holiday sightings
Date: June 2, 2006 1:02:19 AM EDT
Hi Pieces,
Thanks for your very honest email! I looked for you online, but you're offline.
I haven't felt that our friendship was in jeopardy at all. I know you've had mixed feelings about a lot of things, but I have been grateful for your comments. They have helped me to slow down and take another look. We both know how easy it is to ignore/overlook/just not see red flags- your comments have helped me to evaluate the situation. I've felt like I could talk to you openly and honestly. Please know that even if I do get defensive sometimes, I still appreciate what you're saying! Even about Ms.Meow!!! I may not always agree, but we are able to agree to disagree, and even then our conversations make me think and take a look from a different angle.
I don't say this to go against the lovely, brave, and insightful email you wrote. I totally admire how you look at things- especially unpleasant things- head on and face them and work on them. I feel that our friendship is pretty solid- it will always need work because all good relationships do- but we are mirrors and I trust that we are there for each other, whatever is going on. We are all mirrors for each other- to not accept the hard times in others is to not accept ourselves going through the hard times, if that makes sense.
Or, put another way: I feel that good relationships bring out the best and worst in the people involved. It has to be that way, because we are mirrors, and the best relationships are ones in which the people feel safe and secure enough to be themselves, to be honest, so that we can give and recognize opportunities for healing. Just like you are using the current situation to recognize something in yourself that you'd like to heal. I feel like we have a good, solid, and safe relationship. We are both working on our stuff, so even if I get defensive or ticked off, I trust that we will work it out, that one or both of us will see something and use it for the better. I trust that if I tick you off or if you become defensive, that one or both of us will see something and use it for the better. Whatever happens, I trust that you are coming from a good heart, and I hope that I, too, am coming from a good heart. I just feel that whatever happens, it will work out OK.
All of this is Right. I am in full agreement with you on that. I tend to believe that whatever is happening is Right- if you hadn't gone through the experience of Biker, you wouldn't have grown. And if I hadn't gone through the experience of Ex, I wouldn't have grown. And if we hadn't grown, we would have attracted another Biker/Ex, as the next opportunity for growth. Ex, in a lot of ways, was just a more exaggerated version of my past boyfriends, in both good and bad ways. I'd kept on attracting the same thing. So it is All Good, even if a lot of it hurts like hell. Sometimes we take baby steps, but I believe that all events are opportunities for growth. You, more than any other person I know, has demonstrated that- you look at everything and grow from it all. :)
Please don't feel badly about any of this. No matter how badly you were feeling inside, you have still been there for me, especially during this time with NewMan. The only thing that really ticked me off was our conversation about Ms.Meow- but you know what? I finally talked to BlogMeow about taking her back after that, and I suggested to Guy (the guy upstairs) that maybe our cats could hang out together. I was defensive because I feel so guilty about it, and realized that I had some options I could use in order to better take care of her. It is all good!!!! It got me to finally ACT, so I thank you for it. :)
I would hate for you to be afraid to come around me- truly, I don't think that this will harm or jeopardize our friendship. If anything, I think it's probably going to make it stronger. Neither one of us is perfect, nor are we Monsters. We are just humans, and we are close friends- eventually one of us will say something or do something that isn't comfortable for the other. I think I say things that are defensive or difficult or anger-provoking a lot more often than you do- you just handle it better than I do. I am trying to work on it, though. We are just human beings doing the best we can.
Right now, I don't want to comment much on the insights that you wrote about. I'd rather talk about them in person. We are mirrors, so I share a lot of what you're saying. If you've been co- or outer-dependent on me, then I have been the same back to you, otherwise it wouldn't have worked. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this, because I don't want to turn around and be co/outer-dependent on NewMan, or anyone else.
I love you, Pieces. I consider you one of my truest and deepest friends. We are long overdue for a good knitting session- lets get one in soon. PrettyBoss goes on vacation on Thurs next week, so I will have a lot more time soon for a little while. I am in a wedding this weekend (CoWorkette and NOTaMatch are finally tying the knot), so tomorrow night (rehearsal) and Saturday (wedding) are taken up, but lets try to meet up maybe on Sunday afternoon or Thurs night, yes?
Much love to you, Pieces!
Spirit-Sister
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Dearest Spirit-Sister,
I came back from my Aromatherapy class late and didn't feel like getting online or talking.... so cooled out and then went to bed.
I learned a lot of deep things this past long weekend.
The main thing being, that I have been very unhealthy towards you.
I realized that very quickly, almost without thought, I transfered many of the same feelings i've been grappling with towards Biker, onto you. Although, in my opinion, that act was jeopardizing our friendship, I am also grateful that it happened. Because a BIG part of me has not felt "in love"
with Biker, but rather codependent or outer-dependent of him. And I believe now, I just merely transfered those feelings from him to you.
This act, has shown to me rather LOUDLY, that the feelings I carry have nothing to do with anyone but me. And how I fundamentally feel about my own self, and my own life. I have been questioning myself all along in my relationship with Biker, as to weather or not I love or loved him. I have
been, long since, discussing this with Shrink. And I know I have mentioned it with you. Nevertheless, I have not truly believed that I loved him, for countless of reasons. And have been wanting to separate the unhealthiness of outer-dependency, with truly loving
someone.
What I feel I know you have been feeling coming from me since NewMan came into your life, has been my outer-dependency at work. Period.
Having transfered it onto you, was shocking. But it was right. In that. I do not love you as I said I loved Biker. Feeling those particular feelings towards and with you MADE NO SENSE. And THAT was the gift! They made no sense. Therefore they were ill and unhealthy, and not about "being in love"
with someone. But rather about having unhealthy expectations in my relationships. Period.
I am sure I have been this way with other girlfriends. But I was too "sick" to feel any differences. So I just kept going. Transferring feelings. Which didn't feel that way at all, but just felt like my life and the way it "always" worked.
I am not saying that these unhealthy feelings have just left me because I have now SEEN them. They are there. I am grappling with them and will be. And in part, right now, feel scared to come around you. I don't want to jeopardize anymore of our friendship, nor your relationship with NewMan - via
talking to me about it. I don't want to bring out of you the defensiveness I know that I have, because of some ungodly unhealthy action or comment I've made that brings it about.
I'm trying hard not to make you into my Monster or me into yours. Trying to stay focused as remaining your friend, who is just dealing head on with her problems.
This holiday weekend has shown me nothing but unhealthiness. Coming at me from all sorts of different places and people. And then from within me, and towards me. I nearly broke my little toe, which MADE me sit and do nothing, which I didn't find so easy to do. And ignored it at first. But then it got so bad and bloated that I could do nothing but put ice on it and just sit. And sit. And sit. And as I sat, I felt my high come down, and my feelings come out, and the real deal face me. And I looked.
Being very honest.
I have been feeling jealous of your new friendships. NewMan. NewFriend and so on.
I have been feeling jealous of all the time taken up by your jobs.
I have been feeling left out of your knitting time.
I have been feeling abandoned by all of it. Compounded by the feelings I have been feeling about and towards Biker.
In those jealous places, I have become nasty. Saying hurtful things and implying god knows what to you. NONE of them my truths. Just unhealthy.
In looking within: I found myself to have allowed me to continue to have unhealthy friends, or creating unhealthy situations, and to not have more healthy ones. NOT your responsibility! Just unhealthy.
In looking within: I found myself feeling very stuck in the apartment, not able to create any art work whatsoever. NOT your responsibility! Just unhealthy.
In looking within: I have stopped my own self from having knitting time. And even more problematic, I have no one else besides you, to knit with. NOT your responsibility! Just unhealthy.
In looking within: I have abandoned my own self on these important exchanges, with my own self, and others. And my relationship with Biker, was over a long time ago. What I have been really dealing with, is my own outer-dependency of him or with him. And he is just a symbol of that work at this point. NOT your responsibility! Just unhealthy.
I have come full circle NOW. Where I am right NOW, is where I was when I first went into the yarn shop and asked LOwner if I could just come in and knit to get some company. I was alone then. Just coming out of my shell.
I have also come full circle in the cycle I went thru with Biker. At the start of our relationship I was feeling very lonely, and I am there again. Only because I did all things differently in this "boyfriend" cycle, I am now in a differently place, this time facing my reasons for the loneliness. And choosing to move thru it, head on.
Shrink fully agrees on both cycles.
Having transfered those feelings on to you, having them make no sense whatsoever to being there, propelled me to face what truly hurts. I am responsible for my own life. My own loneliness, my own knitting time and so on. It is not right nor healthy for me to be "waiting for someone" to save
me from it all.
And now I know that is what I have been feeling coming from Shrink these past few weeks now. I believe he saw what I was doing with you, and therefore has been really focused on keeping me focused on me moving forward and creating my own pathway to all around independence.
I am deeply sorry if I have hurt you in any way during this joyous time for you. But again. I do think it had to happen in order for me to finally, and fully, and truly be able to see the illness in me, facing what hurts, so that I could help my own self, show me new choices on how to save my own
truest self.
I had to be honest with you Spirit-Sister. That is the foundation of our friendship.
You deserved to know what's been going on within me, that I know you have felt coming out of me towards you these past few months.
I had to honor our friendship, our own relationship.
No matter what it's out come.
I Love you,
Pieces of Parts
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi
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Subject: Re: humbling holiday sightings
Date: June 2, 2006 1:02:19 AM EDT
Hi Pieces,
Thanks for your very honest email! I looked for you online, but you're offline.
I haven't felt that our friendship was in jeopardy at all. I know you've had mixed feelings about a lot of things, but I have been grateful for your comments. They have helped me to slow down and take another look. We both know how easy it is to ignore/overlook/just not see red flags- your comments have helped me to evaluate the situation. I've felt like I could talk to you openly and honestly. Please know that even if I do get defensive sometimes, I still appreciate what you're saying! Even about Ms.Meow!!! I may not always agree, but we are able to agree to disagree, and even then our conversations make me think and take a look from a different angle.
I don't say this to go against the lovely, brave, and insightful email you wrote. I totally admire how you look at things- especially unpleasant things- head on and face them and work on them. I feel that our friendship is pretty solid- it will always need work because all good relationships do- but we are mirrors and I trust that we are there for each other, whatever is going on. We are all mirrors for each other- to not accept the hard times in others is to not accept ourselves going through the hard times, if that makes sense.
Or, put another way: I feel that good relationships bring out the best and worst in the people involved. It has to be that way, because we are mirrors, and the best relationships are ones in which the people feel safe and secure enough to be themselves, to be honest, so that we can give and recognize opportunities for healing. Just like you are using the current situation to recognize something in yourself that you'd like to heal. I feel like we have a good, solid, and safe relationship. We are both working on our stuff, so even if I get defensive or ticked off, I trust that we will work it out, that one or both of us will see something and use it for the better. I trust that if I tick you off or if you become defensive, that one or both of us will see something and use it for the better. Whatever happens, I trust that you are coming from a good heart, and I hope that I, too, am coming from a good heart. I just feel that whatever happens, it will work out OK.
All of this is Right. I am in full agreement with you on that. I tend to believe that whatever is happening is Right- if you hadn't gone through the experience of Biker, you wouldn't have grown. And if I hadn't gone through the experience of Ex, I wouldn't have grown. And if we hadn't grown, we would have attracted another Biker/Ex, as the next opportunity for growth. Ex, in a lot of ways, was just a more exaggerated version of my past boyfriends, in both good and bad ways. I'd kept on attracting the same thing. So it is All Good, even if a lot of it hurts like hell. Sometimes we take baby steps, but I believe that all events are opportunities for growth. You, more than any other person I know, has demonstrated that- you look at everything and grow from it all. :)
Please don't feel badly about any of this. No matter how badly you were feeling inside, you have still been there for me, especially during this time with NewMan. The only thing that really ticked me off was our conversation about Ms.Meow- but you know what? I finally talked to BlogMeow about taking her back after that, and I suggested to Guy (the guy upstairs) that maybe our cats could hang out together. I was defensive because I feel so guilty about it, and realized that I had some options I could use in order to better take care of her. It is all good!!!! It got me to finally ACT, so I thank you for it. :)
I would hate for you to be afraid to come around me- truly, I don't think that this will harm or jeopardize our friendship. If anything, I think it's probably going to make it stronger. Neither one of us is perfect, nor are we Monsters. We are just humans, and we are close friends- eventually one of us will say something or do something that isn't comfortable for the other. I think I say things that are defensive or difficult or anger-provoking a lot more often than you do- you just handle it better than I do. I am trying to work on it, though. We are just human beings doing the best we can.
Right now, I don't want to comment much on the insights that you wrote about. I'd rather talk about them in person. We are mirrors, so I share a lot of what you're saying. If you've been co- or outer-dependent on me, then I have been the same back to you, otherwise it wouldn't have worked. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this, because I don't want to turn around and be co/outer-dependent on NewMan, or anyone else.
I love you, Pieces. I consider you one of my truest and deepest friends. We are long overdue for a good knitting session- lets get one in soon. PrettyBoss goes on vacation on Thurs next week, so I will have a lot more time soon for a little while. I am in a wedding this weekend (CoWorkette and NOTaMatch are finally tying the knot), so tomorrow night (rehearsal) and Saturday (wedding) are taken up, but lets try to meet up maybe on Sunday afternoon or Thurs night, yes?
Much love to you, Pieces!
Spirit-Sister
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posted by Pieces Of Parts at Thursday, June 01, 2006
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