Organizing Pieces - LONG!

Dearest River Sister,



I wanted to share with you my feelings here, in an email, where it's easier to express myself to you, privately.

I’ve been writing this letter to you since we were together a couple of weeks ago. It’s taken me longer than I wanted, but I wanted you to know how I have been feeling, in the stages I’ve been feeling my feelings, while doing this “work” of facing my clutter, facing what’s been hurting deep within me.

I just feel, that you and me, down deep, feel much. And that you like me, keep it all tucked away deep within you, and in your clutter. I so want you to know, you are just not alone. And I guess I too want to share, in order to feel not alone too.

This is hard, but it is also good. Everyone that truly counts in my life, knows what I am doing. The process I am taking to do it, and the why’s. As scary as it is, and has been, I feel VERY supported, and that truly is totally new for me. And I am using it to the best that I can. I’ve worked hard to have such friends in my life. I feel really blessed. And feel that I can do my work, for just me NOW, cause I know what it took to get them into my life.
It’s all very humbling.

So forgive me if it’s a bit confusing, or f I have gone over the same thing in here. I really just have wanted to share my journey with you.


I have known for a number of years now, but only recently, know that I have been right all this time. That my clutter really has been a substitute for having a life.

That my "things" were more about me staying and keeping me safe, from things in my life I didn't want to look at. Cause they hurt.

Very much I feel, NOW more than ever, that my "addiction" was / is the clutter. As long as this apartment has been full of things, I had a "family" and I had "dates" so to speak. I had company. And I had a tormentor.


I have had late night dates = being up way late at night working on my clutter, in utter tears.

I have had weekend get a-ways = being in my apartment, talking to no one, working on my clutter, in utter tears.


I have cancelled dates with friends, including you, because I found myself overwhelmed by the clutter and ended up staying home because of it, and then the time that would have been spent at a social event was = working on my clutter, in utter tears.

I haven't had gatherings of friends over because of all my clutter. Only people I deam to be "safe" have been in here.

I have even canceled going to see my sister and her kids in California, based on being overwhelmed by my clutter. And totally spent what ever time was to be spent with them, in UTTER depression!!! and working on my clutter.

I have also canceled times with my folks, cause of my clutter - but then that is what the clutter has been there for, to SAVE me from THEM, and that spread to all others and everything else.

I also was totally aware, that the too much time I spent at ShopOwner's, after things went sour, was because I was overwhelmed at home, by the clutter and being at the shop was better than being home in an overwhelming space. But that also meant that neither place was healthy for me. And things just spiraled about for way too long, while I was there. I knew that part then, but like the clutter it's self, the "bad times" going on, were also equally as "safe." I was having a really hard time of it.


I am sure that more than half of my depressive states, over the past many years, have been based on feeling owned by my THINGS. Keeping myself, my inner me, deep down inside, VERY safe. In my own world. In my own castle. Tormented by my very own safe self.

I know that both NextShop and ShopOwner both thought I was manic depressive, but I wasn't, never have been. I was and have been VERY unhappy and my clutter has owned me. And I was lonely and stuck in my own merry-go-round of what I knew as my life, and working hard as hell, in a shrink's office every single week, on getting healthy.


One of the first times Biker came into my apartment, I just could have died! The feeling was so strong that I had been substituting THINGS for intimate interactions with a male/mate. All of the interactions, the dance of dating and getting to know and so on. Before that it was Spirit Sister who'd I just met, and had had the same feeling with. No girlfriends over in so too many years! But it was having Biker here, after 10 years of not dating any man that really made me begin to truly face what hurt.

He was very gentle with me, figuring out how to tell me what he saw without getting me too upset. I had just really started to see the "bigger picture," so I had already past the stage where it would have been utterly devastating to hear much of anything from him. But it was still VERY hard.

I had done TONS of de-cluttering by the time I met Biker however. Having him in here, showed me how far I had come, but also how far I had to go too. It was a strange space. It was a good one, cause it meant progress had happened. But I also saw that there was LOTS more to do.

More than half of the reason that I felt the way I did, was that I kept myself from asking the supportive friends I do have, for the help I do and did need. It was VERY hard to do. But it is now easier. But my good friends have understood, and have been wonderful, and have supported me all the way.

One tiny step at a time. That is ALL I have been doing, and it is all I do NOW. But asking friends for help was the greatest gift I ever gave and still give to me. It's the hardest. But it's the most endearing. And after the initial spooky part of making the choice to speak to someone, and then doing the asking, it's safe and lovely and stuff gets done. And the friendships really grow and become so much stronger and deeper. And that feeling, transcends and comes out of me for me and is opening me up, to let the life I want in. And me out.

I found myself in a funny little space, where mentally I was MORE than ready to get back into my life. Whatever that means. But the clutter that has been here, well i just felt as if I was beating myself up everyday and falling back into depressions. So I have been bouncing all around. Emotionally. And especially physically! I haven't been able to get past the stress, no matter what i did, or used to do in the past that has always helped me de-stress. My hot baths weren't doing anything for me. Every time I had a massage, my body felt like it was rejecting them. Very odd for me. And as you know, I have been feeling all sorts of odd and hurtful body hurts.

Hurting my finger - which has taken just months to get to a point where I can use it "comfortably."

Hurt my little toe - couldn't really walk for about 3 weeks. Had to start all over again with my walking routine.

No weight loss

Headaches.

Odd cramping.

Mood swings.

Painful bloating.

Odd reactions to foods.

And on and on.

I believe all these things are related to my inner me feeling stuffed with feelings. Having no real outlet. And therefore the energy of my creativity and womanliness, showing it's self as some of the pains in the Body.



I don't know how or when it happened, but at some moment it suddenly struck me, that although the clutter was a huge problem, what was more of a problem was how the space was being used. I have been in this apartment since 1990, and I have had every room so many different ways. I have gone thru so many different pieces of furniture, and everything I do have, that I like, has been something different at one time or another.

The more I thought about the space, the more I realized IT was the real problem NOW. That there were many things I would get rid of, but I would be left with the spaces, and what would I do with them?!
As I kept my mind on it, the more I saw that I was having a VERY hard time imagining an organized space in each of my rooms, because I could no longer see the space in the rooms! Merry-Go-Round.

Of course I was totally berating myself, because I did the very same thing for ShopOwner, and MANY other people's shops and homes over the years. But for me, for me I could not see a dam thing!

What I saw was that I was just too emotionally connected to how I had been able to see how each room could work over the years. Since only one way worked in each room, all the others made each room war zones. But the ones that worked at a time, weren't anymore. Nothing was working anymore!

I also realized that the biggest game I had been playing, was that I was going to be able to do it ALL myself, one day soon.

I FINALLY realized that saying that to myself, was equal to someone that drinks a lot, saying that not only can they stop when ever they wanted to, but also that one day they would stop, cold turkey, after YEARS of drinking every single day.

NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I really and finally made THAT connection, I knew it was time to get outside help. And step out of this very strong and powerful, and painful comfort zone.

I have two friends that I feel VERY safe with. One my friend Sweet Sister. We feel the same way about each other, and have helped each other do each others places, but she has been too busy. The other is Spirit Sister. But she's been nuts with all her jobs and a new man. Both of them said they would, if they could have. But it was just odd timing for all of us. So I decided this was a sign, that I had to TRULY step totally out of even THAT hard, but practiced, comfort zone, of asking friends for help, and hire someone I didn't know, to help me "get the job done".

I knew having the Organizer come and work with me on my closet alone, would change my life. I was VERY scared. But at the same time, I also knew it was a real problem, that every morning and every single night, of every single day, week, month and year, I had been dealing with, and not dealing with it, and finally realized that it was just too overwhelming and I NEEDED help! Big time, no games. PERIOD. My LIFE was truly passing me by!!!

I realized River Sister, the really hard stuff. That I was in my own way. That the very act that was keeping me safe and sound, was also destroying my health and well being. And that in some other way, I was and had been dying a very slow death. And that a lot of the thought patterns and beliefs, just weren't mine. That I was carrying beliefs about me, that OTHERS hold to be true about me. And that I simply BELIEVED.

But my heart NEVER has.
And THAT part of me, has been getting stronger and stronger and stronger. Bit by tiny tinny bit.

But all of that, had to come from a place deep inside me that had to admit to all of the deep "dark" down feelings. To really see that I was the keeper of my own prison cell. And that I was the ONLY one with the key. And I had to stand up in my own mind, and then I stated it to a safe friend, and certainly to my Shrink, and feel the pain of it all. In that safe space, I felt supported and had an "easier" time owning all that is mine to own.
After the ownership comes a wave of feelings. Anger. Sadness. Regret. Guilt. Anger. And then somehow Poof! Forgiveness at doing the best I knew how to do at that time. And then the ability to let go and move forward. And it really feels like I'm moving forward. Like a page is truly getting turned! And I am the one TURNING IT! It's absolutely amazing!

But I could not have done much of this, without first owning up and expressing my feelings, to folks that I had already created a safe foundation with. I can count these people on less than one hand, but each one of them feels like 1,000 good friends!



My personal goal is to get some real space in here, before or by my birthday in September. Just for me. That's just my personal private goal.

I am telling you all of this now, cause of your statement about getting a job. Your reasons for doing so are totally legitimate for sure! But I also want to be your friend and be honest with what I see. And I see in you, what I am seeing in me right NOW.

I feel the frustration within you. I feel the overwhelmed person. I sense the artist within you trapped by her own spaces, in both your mind - cause of the clutter in the house, and therefore the clutter in the mind. Merry-Go-Round!

I KNOW you feel the same way I do when you first walk into your house thru the kitchen, and are met by your kitchen table. That is the same as me. As soon as I stepped into my entrance room, I have been struck with clutter. No where to put my bags, no where to flop down and just rest for two seconds. Just clutter!
The relaxation I found outside my apartment, left me immediately when I walked inside it!
And for YEARS River Sister, I didn't even see all the clutter! And so didn't know one of the main reasons for many of my ill-health, mood swings, loneliness, etc., sensations. Merry-Go-Round.

I hear it in your health concerns.

I hear it in you is all.

There is MUCH you and me could have fun at doing together, supporting one another, growing all the while. I feel that too!

But we both, have to take care of our own inner little River Sister's (little Pieces) first. And then only then, can we go out and play. In what ever form that takes us in, and with whom ever and where ever.

I am preparing myself for me to step out from having been living within my clutter. First step, take care of me. My baseline. My core Pieces. I have the time right NOW, and the ability, and the FRIENDs to do it, right NOW. And I am doing it. In a big part, cause I feel a different kind of safe. And cause I WANT a different kind of safe too! One that is supported and nurtured by the good and honest friends I have worked hard to have around me.

You have that too. With ME for sure!

I guess part of me is pleading with you, that you take care of your basic needs first. That your health and well being won't come from that new job, and they won't come from divorcing River Husband. They'll come from you helping you in the place you call HOME. In your own Mind, Body and Soul. And the housing unit that provides you shelter.

That having that, just for River Sister, is more valuable than any extra money coming in, from where ever, or WHO ever it is coming.

I would make a bet with you, that whatever is going on within your body, bruising or otherwise, headaches or tummy aches, or unexplained dizziness, are due to the clutter in your home, and therefor in your mind, no space to breath, and just be in either.

And that much of the tension between you and River Husband, comes from your unhappiness with your inner Being. Your unhappy self. I see it in you River Sister, but ONLY because I recognize it in my own self!

And that is what is coming up and out of me right NOW. As I am, by my self, tossing things I like to Goodwill, and keeping things I adore. And separating everything in clear tubs, and seeing space on every shelf, and I am able to really walk around my floors without stepping on something, or banging into something else.
As I am truly keeping tidy what has been set up, and truly feeling energy come from somewhere, where it’s been stuck all these years.

I am also seeing what’s been hurting. What I have been doing to keep myself VERY safe, and well hidden. And at the same time VERY hurt by my own actions. The truest Merry-Go-Round.

This by no means is easy River Sister. But it would be totally undoable, if I didn’t have the friends I do have. Because I have no immediate family members I can bond with. I have always literally found “family” in my world. But NOW I am getting the support and love I know I need for me, from them. So this is truly doable, NOW.

I am in the throws of getting a clear idea and it is getting clearer, how undoable my life has been, because I just did not have the support system I do NOW. I feel that I truly want to and need to honor that broken hearted Pieces. For she did the best she could, with what she did not have. And I want to heal and take care of her, as much as I NOW, know how to do - which is that I know nothing. But in that nothing, is everything. And I am trusting in that, more and more and more.

All my health issues are in front of me NOW. I feel lighter and have more energy. But I am in a space where I need to face up to all the changes that took place to my Body while I was hurting. I am in the midst of just feeling those feelings NOW. Trying finally, to pay more attention to my actions every day to help me be healthy, rather than supporting me to feel depressed and sad.


Much of my inner work has come from reading many wonderful books. And of course from seeing my Shrink each and every week. But also the book I gave to you on CD, The Power Of NOW. Which Biker brought to my attention. It has been what my Shrink has been teaching me all these years. But the habit of literally not thinking so much about my past life, or pondering about my future one, has been the truest of Gifts. Bringing to the for front the habit that truly has kept me far too safe and out of my own life, all my life. My truest Merry-Go-Round, and addictive behavior - all of which created a most quiet Pieces, and then a cluttered spaces Pieces, and non truly productive artist Pieces, all of which helped to stop and keep stuck, My Life.



Above all else, you and me are Friends. I hold my Friends dear to me. I feel with ALL the work I am doing right NOW, alone and with the Organizer, I could be of help to you. I have learned profound lessons from what I am doing for me NOW. And therefore I feel that I can offer to you, turning pages support, if you so want my help. Please just let your deepest of places within, know that as a fact. I am totally here for you!

I'm going to send you, in another long email, this one full of photographs I took of my place. Before & Afters. No one other than Spirit Sister and Biker and Sweet Sister have seen it as it has been. The photographs I am going to show you, are ones I took when I was so totally overwhelmed and "depressed" and just feeling awful about me and the world around me. And really only Spirit Sister has seen my apt. in that state.

And the ones I took after either when the Organizer worked with me, or after I did my “homework” on what she left me to do. Or I just did on my own, with her suggestions in mind. I’ll comment next to each one so you know.

I’ll stop NOW. Cause I could go on. But I really want you to get this letter. And I can keep sharing my findings in other letters to you.

With Love and total respect and true friendship,

Pieces of Part


Article USA-Today

"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi