Hi there, you rocking being!
Subject: Hi Pieces!
Hi there, you rocking being!
Thanks for your emails. I am sorry I have not been responsive in a more timely manner. There is so much in your emails, and on weekends especially I am trying to stay offline as much as possible. There is so much going on with you right now, I can really see you making some big turns and growing in new directions. I don't have much time right now, but want to at least say hi and respond with some support and a few observations.
I think you are making some good observations- painful ones, but I can see how they are helping you. You are identifying how your Not-Ill mother is good at taking care of you- if you determine that going to PlayClay is essential to you, then you are doing everything you need to do to make that happen. Like you said, you tend to stop everything and give it all to people who you've mothered in the past- and now truly you are doing that for YOU. That is awesome!
You've also recognized patterns that you have from your family, particularly your mom. You can see how you've learned from her how to be too intimate and too never-ending sad, and how you have had some the same results as she has had with trouble maintaining good healthy relationships and friendships. That is a very difficult observation to make and I think you should really give yourself a TON of credit for having the courage to see that. I don't know that many people ever get to that level of self-seeing and honesty. Also, I think it's important for you to give credit to yourself to see how far you've now come, because you are, in fact, having healthy relationships! I think you and I have a fantastic friendship, and you've gotten some good stuff going on at PlayClay, too. So you have clear evidence that your work is paying off!
The observation that I am seeing that makes me most happy for you is that I think you beginning to give yourself a break, you are now starting to have a little fun! I really think that is a critical thing! You didn't say this directly in your emails, but certainly it looks to me that you are starting to not damn yourself for having bad days. You said in one email that it is hard for you to know, when you are in the depths of sadness, that "this too shall pass". That is awesome- that is you Seeing what is going on with you, and really, as you put it, it is what it is. We are all going to have really shitty days. There is no getting around it. I don't see you beating yourself up about it.
You asked for my thoughts on the upstairs neighbor- well, again, that is what it is. First, we all are weird, we all have our odd quirks. None of us are going to behave perfectly. Personally, I wouldn't say anything to her, but I'd say go with your gut on it. If you feel like you should say something, then do what is supportive for you.
Basically- what I think I am seeing is that you are starting to let yourself think that you might be OK. You've seen that this is very scary for you, because you've always been "OK" when you've been "ILL". But now, you are starting to be a little OK with being OK. At least that is what it looks like from here. You are going to have bad days- and even though those days suck, it's OK because it will pass. You might need to alter your behaviors to accomodate other people- you will definitely need to do this, we all do- and that is OK. In fact, best of all, I see you accommodating YOU!
I think I am seeing a definite change in the tone of your emails to me. I get the distinct impression that you are trusting yourself more and more. You overheard some hurtful words from your neighbor- but then went out among artists wearing your own shawls and had FUN, yes? I mean- WOW! That is some serious growth!
And this just popped into my head, so I'm going to write it down. You've done a lot of mourning for the loss of the life you've wished you had, what you've lost due to your depression. I support you in your grief work. I think it's important to also support yourself, knowing that you did the best you could and that you did, in fact, survive.
I don't know why this image keeps popping into my mind, but it does- I keep getting this image of a different possible scenario. Of a younger, depressed, very vulnerable Pieces-like person getting caught up with a guy who took advantage of her vulnerability, married her, took the money, and left her with nothing. I could you being substantially worse off today than you are. You took care of yourself then the best way you knew how.
I guess what I am saying is, the Pieces of Then kept you going long enough to survive. I see you in your emails given love and care to the Ill Pieces- not letting her take over the reigns, but seeing her and acknowledging her and giving her some love and support, too.
Keep going! Do you see a light at the end of the tunnel yet? Do you see where you are getting to the place where you can have love and joy in your life? More joy and less suffering (that is what Shrink-ness used to say to me)? I see you getting there, my dear. :)
Must run to catch a plane. I love you! Keep it up!!!!
Hugs,
Spirit Sister
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Hi there, you rocking being!
Thanks for your emails. I am sorry I have not been responsive in a more timely manner. There is so much in your emails, and on weekends especially I am trying to stay offline as much as possible. There is so much going on with you right now, I can really see you making some big turns and growing in new directions. I don't have much time right now, but want to at least say hi and respond with some support and a few observations.
I think you are making some good observations- painful ones, but I can see how they are helping you. You are identifying how your Not-Ill mother is good at taking care of you- if you determine that going to PlayClay is essential to you, then you are doing everything you need to do to make that happen. Like you said, you tend to stop everything and give it all to people who you've mothered in the past- and now truly you are doing that for YOU. That is awesome!
You've also recognized patterns that you have from your family, particularly your mom. You can see how you've learned from her how to be too intimate and too never-ending sad, and how you have had some the same results as she has had with trouble maintaining good healthy relationships and friendships. That is a very difficult observation to make and I think you should really give yourself a TON of credit for having the courage to see that. I don't know that many people ever get to that level of self-seeing and honesty. Also, I think it's important for you to give credit to yourself to see how far you've now come, because you are, in fact, having healthy relationships! I think you and I have a fantastic friendship, and you've gotten some good stuff going on at PlayClay, too. So you have clear evidence that your work is paying off!
The observation that I am seeing that makes me most happy for you is that I think you beginning to give yourself a break, you are now starting to have a little fun! I really think that is a critical thing! You didn't say this directly in your emails, but certainly it looks to me that you are starting to not damn yourself for having bad days. You said in one email that it is hard for you to know, when you are in the depths of sadness, that "this too shall pass". That is awesome- that is you Seeing what is going on with you, and really, as you put it, it is what it is. We are all going to have really shitty days. There is no getting around it. I don't see you beating yourself up about it.
You asked for my thoughts on the upstairs neighbor- well, again, that is what it is. First, we all are weird, we all have our odd quirks. None of us are going to behave perfectly. Personally, I wouldn't say anything to her, but I'd say go with your gut on it. If you feel like you should say something, then do what is supportive for you.
Basically- what I think I am seeing is that you are starting to let yourself think that you might be OK. You've seen that this is very scary for you, because you've always been "OK" when you've been "ILL". But now, you are starting to be a little OK with being OK. At least that is what it looks like from here. You are going to have bad days- and even though those days suck, it's OK because it will pass. You might need to alter your behaviors to accomodate other people- you will definitely need to do this, we all do- and that is OK. In fact, best of all, I see you accommodating YOU!
I think I am seeing a definite change in the tone of your emails to me. I get the distinct impression that you are trusting yourself more and more. You overheard some hurtful words from your neighbor- but then went out among artists wearing your own shawls and had FUN, yes? I mean- WOW! That is some serious growth!
And this just popped into my head, so I'm going to write it down. You've done a lot of mourning for the loss of the life you've wished you had, what you've lost due to your depression. I support you in your grief work. I think it's important to also support yourself, knowing that you did the best you could and that you did, in fact, survive.
I don't know why this image keeps popping into my mind, but it does- I keep getting this image of a different possible scenario. Of a younger, depressed, very vulnerable Pieces-like person getting caught up with a guy who took advantage of her vulnerability, married her, took the money, and left her with nothing. I could you being substantially worse off today than you are. You took care of yourself then the best way you knew how.
I guess what I am saying is, the Pieces of Then kept you going long enough to survive. I see you in your emails given love and care to the Ill Pieces- not letting her take over the reigns, but seeing her and acknowledging her and giving her some love and support, too.
Keep going! Do you see a light at the end of the tunnel yet? Do you see where you are getting to the place where you can have love and joy in your life? More joy and less suffering (that is what Shrink-ness used to say to me)? I see you getting there, my dear. :)
Must run to catch a plane. I love you! Keep it up!!!!
Hugs,
Spirit Sister
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posted by Pieces Of Parts at Monday, February 25, 2008
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