A Weekend Q, with a weekend A - Part 2

My Sister was only doing what she was taught how to do. Her ACTIONS were unconscious. I know this. And I am becoming more aware that this has been what I have understood as NORMAL. [And OMG - that is why she told me that phone call before this last one - Don't you feel supported by me? OMG - it just hit me!!!]
(light bulb moment within a light bulb moment!) - came to me while editing this.


Dearest Dearest Spirit Sister!

The above statement is so BIG!

Just as with my class with RollingEyesClay, did I suddenly realize that I had, as a child, gone into the outside world of my school years, not feeling supported and loved, coming home to chaos and victimization. So I have been feeling it as I have been stepping out of my own Safe Zones.

It suddenly hit me this morning how powerful my "bedtime stories" have really been to my MORNINGS. And then how I choose to live that next morning of one day. Each of those one days. Adding up to weeks and months and years.

My sister was right for what she was asking me. In shock she asked didn't I feel supported by her?!!! By her NOT PICKING UP TO THE PHONE WHEN I CALLED. FOR THREE YEARS STRAIGHT! By her BRUTEL ATTACKING PHONE CALLS for I don't know how many F*ing years!! By SCREAMING at me to go get on a plane and go to Biker’s bedside in Mobile, after he'd gone down!!!

Wasn't She supporting Me in the ONLY way my family has been talking AT me?!!

YES!! And She was right. It is ALL She has heard anyone do towards me.

And Spirit Sister, I have been making myself SICK so that I would also feel LOVED and SUPPORTED.

I SEE IT NOW!!!
OMG, I never ever thought I would!

I just promised myself, that since feeling inwardly tortured brings about deep feelings of love and supported-ness from me to me, as I have been understanding it to feel, (even tho when I come out of these spaces my Body is sickly and hurts much - and can take days to heal from), that I will, from this point on - with changes as they need to be made - I will GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to have 10 mins of silence every day. And that the times when I am feeling overwhelmed, scared etc. I will go into a place that I know, and will try to recreate A SAFE PLACE TO LAND - to allow myself to come HOME to, when ever I want it. It might end up being of NO MIND, and that is fine.

I have been feeling overwhelmed and sick and spreading myself out too thin. And not giving myself down time. I have been feeling as if I am always on a stage performing a play called Pieces Needs to Get a Life RIGHT NOW.

I have been longing, deep down inside for a little time every day of silence.

Shrink said, the only person I need permission from, is Me.

I just simply can NOT, do NOT want to get on the phone with my folks and not feel supported by ME. Shrink says the permission to be able to handle myself, must come from me to me. That way, they can remain as they are. I don't need them to change. Because I am changing, and I am supporting me while talking to them.

I guess this is why Shrink was so excited when i told Blood Sister that what she was demanding of me didn't feel healthy. That I told her at least twice, not in a very big or loud voice at all, but she heard me, that I wanted to talk to Shrink about this before answering her.

He saw it Spirit Sister, he saw that it was probably my very first time of truly making a statement, of me supporting me!
(Oh wow, I just realized it myself!)

What I did while in RollingEyesClay's class was BIG. And it worked for me!!! I felt very much supported by me to me. And still do when ever I do it. That was a hard hard hurt-filled place I was finding a way to heal and support myself into my NOW with.

This is the same as that, only further in. Further basic to my way of Being and understanding Love.

I've been feeling so RUSHED to call my folks about the house stuff. Which has been offset, by everyone telling me there is no rush to have this phone calling NEEDing to happen right now, cause the market ain't gonna change that fast. I have been struggling with this since the letters came to me. And I feel very pushed into doing it while Shrink has been on vacation with his family. So that it would be done by the time I go to see him this Thursday.

But something deep within me, has been telling me that's not the right thing to do.
Is that supporting me, or is that putting more chances to torture me and then to have the same relationship I feel that I have been having with each of my family members? Making myself do what I know, while trying to walk through a New Door where I don't do these things to me anymore as show of (old) support and (old) love.

This is where all the SHOULDs live.

These SHOULDs are propelling these fundamental connections because I have been FIGHTING them with NOWisum for these past couple of weeks. I have made myself sick with it all going on in my head.

And in this SICKNESS I asked a question, sent you the answer.

Shrink is right.
I must give myself permission, in all sorts of spaces.

After all, I guess I gave myself permission to console me the way that I have been. Guess I can give myself permission to find another more healthier way NOW.


Love you,
Pieces of Parts
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi

This is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BIG SPIRIT SISTER!!!


All of this, came out of my cluttered up Walk-in Closet.
I HAVE BEEN HIDING IN THERE AS WELL - BIG BIG BIT TIME!!!

A Weekend Q, with a weekend A

Dear Sister Spirit,


During my ILLNESS of this weekend, that came upon me on Thursday, I asked one question.

Why am I so scared of EVERYTHING?

I found an Answer. And then I found the answers to a set of questions that went along with that one.

I found it in the place where I have found many others.

Louise Hay wrote a book after she'd written You Can Heal Your Life - by popular demand.
Thousands of folks asked her to write something to show them how to use the information in her first book. I have had this book for years now. And only go to it when I feel I have moved beyond You Can Heal Your Life. I don't go to it often, but when I do, I feel blown away by the work I have been doing thus far.

Below is the main answer I found. It comes from a chapter called: 10 Ways To Love Yourself

Today I rewrote out most of them. But this one is SCREAMing at me at this very moment. And I wanted to share it with you.

At some point when my family had moved out of BIG-Banana to University-Land, I began a habit when I went to bed. I did it every night, and have done it for most of my life. I have been trying to stop it for a few years now. Especially when I was realizing while with Biker, that no matter what I thought about before going to sleep, none of it would come true. It controlled nothing. That the only thing that was true for me, was me NOT thinking things through this way, but in fact, just Being Present when stuff happened.

But these "bed time stories" were, deeply consoling. I knew then that I felt loved. I got much out of doing them. They worked, so I did it every night. I cried so hard my face hurt and my heart felt like it was stopping at times. I couldn't even breath I cried so hard and deeply. I felt so unloved and unwanted. it was the only way I found compassion for my very own feelings! As I understand them now, they have been also helping me to maintain and support ILL Pieces. I have been, as it states below, setting myself up for a Scared Person unable to live her own life. Each and every night, for each and every next day and so on.

So what I am connecting here. Is that the way my Sister just treated me, was the way my Father and family treated me. And all I did was treat my own self, the very same way. It felt different from what they were doing. But in fact it is all the same. No matter I made myself equally NOT GOOD ENOUGH as they told / showed to me that I was so to them. I tortured my own "Little Self" with funerals and death and dying from me having had a bad seizure or accident. I died every night, in order to get the sympathy = the Love I wanted during my days.

When ever they start up now, I catch myself as fast as I can, and then look over my day and see where I let myself down, or felt that someone else let me down and try to work it out in my diary or my head before going to sleep. Or I read or put on Louise's evening meditation c.d. I love so much. Or just get NOW and KNOW that life is what it is. And go into NOW silent presence. I go through all of these to find which one works. More often than not now, one of them does. Practice!

My Sister was only doing what she was taught how to do. Her ACTIONS were unconscious. I know this.
And I am becoming more aware that this has been what I have understood as NORMAL. [And OMG - that is why she told me that phone call before this last one - Don't you feel supported by me? OMG - it just hit me!!!]
(light bulb moment within a light bulb moment!) - came to me while editing this.

With each of these phone calls, since Biker really, one by one I have been waking up to her brutality towards me. To finally the last one. Having him in my life, no matter what he was or was not doing, gave me a perspective I'd never had before. And IT alone, helped me to see how I was really being treated.

And how I was and have been really treating my very own self.

It is simply unreal to find out that what I have thought, no one else has been doing, is PUBLISHED!

And Thank goodness it's written on pages from Louise Hay!! My heart Self feels supported that there is hope to get through even this, knowing it is coming from her insights as well!



"2. We must also stop scaring ourselves.

Many of us terrorize ourselves with frightful thoughts and make situations worse than they are. We take a small problem and make it into a big monster. it's a terrible way to live, always expecting the worst out of life.

How many of you go to bed at night creating the worse possible scenario of a problem? That is like a little child who imagines monsters under the bed and gets terrified. It's no wonder you can't sleep. As a child you needed your parent to come and soothe you. Now as an adult you know you have the ability to soothe yourself.

People who are ill do this a lot. Often they visualize the worst or they are immediately planning their funerals. They give their power to the media and see themselves as statistics.

You must also do this in relationships. Someone doesn't call and you immediately decide that you are totally unlovable and you'll never have another relationship again. You feel abandoned and rejected.

You do the same thing with your job. Someone makes a remark at work, and you begin to think you're going to be fired. You build these paralyzing thoughts in your mind. Remember, these frightening thoughts are negative affirmations.

If you find yourself habitually reviewing a negative thought or situation in your mind, find an image of something you really would like to replace it with. It could be a beautiful view, or a sunset, flowers, a sport, or anything you love. Use that image as your switch-to image every time you find that you are scaring yourself. Say to yourself, "No, I'm not going to think about that anymore. I'm going to think about sunsets, or roses, or Paris, or yachts, or waterfalls," whatever your image is. If you keep doing this, you will eventually break the habit. Again, it takes practice."

From the Book:
The Power is Within You by Louise L. Hay (First printing 1991)


Love you,
Pieces of Parts
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi

A Killing Field Pay Off

Subject: NOW

Hi Spirit Sister,

I just realized that my NOW is just not happy.

I am simply sad about the fact that I know what is going to be happening tomorrow and again, I am without my family.

It just simply sucks.

It is what it is.
And I am not happy about it.
But it is what it is.

My letter to you about blogging and UrEx had only to do with my 2 cents on it.

I just am where I am at this moment in my life.
My life situation is sad for me. That's all there is to it.

Love you,

Pieces of Parts
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi

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Hi Pieces,

I am sending even more hugs. Your life situation regarding your family is sad for you at this time. You have other friends who love you deeply and you have a nice life going on outside of your family. Not to downplay your sadness, just to give you hugs and support.

I think there could be a similarity between MyEx and the blog and this PA thing with Blood Sister and the kids. I don't want to update my old blog because I don't want to give MyEx a view of my life- basically a chance to look at my life when he is no longer invited to be a part of it. It's like saying Look but Don't Touch. I think Blood Sister did something similar to you- basically saying, look at how close we will be! Look at what is going on! I'll tell you about it but not invite you into it.

I hope I'm making sense in my emails! I am already on-site, just waiting for my colleague to show up, and am very sleepy, LOL!

Thanks so much for your emails. Much love to you. Today will pass and you will still have your friends and ClayPlay and ASL and all kinds of goodness going on, even as there is mourning over your family.

Love,

Spirit Sister

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SHRINK GAVE ME HIS CELL PHONE NUMBER!!!

Subject: Shrink

“To do so means that we, the three of us, can no longer be silent partners but must communicate directly. The silence must be broken, if only for the purposes of this discussion. And this discussion must happen sooner rather than later, before the market goes back up and the opportunity is lost.”

Dear Sister Spirit,

Shrink told me that the SILENCE was ME needing my own space.
And NOW I know, have been learning, that it does not matter that my Mother doesn't want to make any changes, I can and have made my own changes and will continue to do so, no matter what she chooses for herself.

He wanted to know why i was afraid, am afraid at the even the bare, basic idea of talking to my folks - My Father?

KILLING FIELDS

That I won't be heard. That it will be about what they want, and only that. But mainly that I will not have a voice. Or a say.

I was asking Shrink how can I do these things without coming to him first and asking for "permission" to do this or that. Am I really supposed to totally trust my own SELF?

He said the person I am being AFRAID of, is ME. ME not trusting me.
That the ONLY person I have ever needed PERMISSION from, was ME!

So I need to give me the permission to stop the killing fields from happening. And that if the phone call does not go well, I can always call back and try it out a different way. I can get off the phone if it's going crazy and going into old spaces. Permission to take care of Me.

First thing he said, was the market is not going to move for probably a year. That THERE IS TIME. I told him, cause you know I feel FACTORY at work here. Yes. But there is TIME.

He said, the truth is that I need to know how much my Father wants to spend. That I can't or should not go anywhere else until I know that. So no need to go talk to anyone cause they will ask me that right off the bat. And if I do go to them with not knowing that, he said they will try to get as much money out of me as they can. By like only showing me things with big price tags on them.
After all he said, this is how they make their living. They have families and car notes to pay off too.

SHRINK GAVE ME HIS CELL PHONE NUMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just can't believe it!! After all these years! This is the very first time he said that to me!!!
I couldn't believe it! I asked him why was he offering me that - he just said if I needed to talk to him - CAUSE ALL WE TALKED ABOUT WAS ME CALLING MY FOLKS.

He told me over and over again, that he checks his messages all the time, but that if I really needed to talk to him, to call his cell phone and that will get to him right away! OMG I'm just in shock!

It's another one of those moments where this ACTION of his, is telling me he sees profound change in me.

I would really like to have a chat with you some time soon. I can barely type this out to you now.
Just a lot on my mind, feels like it would be easier to just talk to you than keep trying to write you.

(I have a bunch of drafts that I don't even understand myself!)

This one is better than them thus far and I am going to send it out, otherwise I'll never get the message to you that I'd like to chat on the phone with you. Really an odd feeling going on over here!

Shrink said, that my standing up to Blood Sister - got my family to make, more than likely, the healthiest exchange we have ever had!

He liked the letters from my folks.

But he made me face whats the most scary, which just seems to be the way it's gonna be forever. THE MOST scariest thing is to make that call. BREAK THE SILENCE of my SAFE Place I set up for me to be able to do the work I NEEDED TO DO FOR ME.

I am gonna stop here.
I am just exhausted and this is just totally emotional.
I feel brain dead. Yet need my brain to think.
Going to bed for NOW.

Let me know when might be good for us to chat.
Thanks!

Loves,
Pieces of Parts
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi

I hit the Send Button... and STOOD UP

Dear Blood Sister,

I am feeling very hurt, and pretty angry about how you chose to be with me on the phone. I feel that I was unnecessarily, brutally attacked.

I heard all of your concerns. However, I think if you are worried about how Mom and Dad spend their money, you need to talk to them directly about it. As far as my financial relationship with Mom and Dad is concerned, that has to do with my relationship with them, and really only with them.

I also feel that I do not owe you the answers you demanded from me, about how I am, or plan on, choosing to live my life.

Love,
Pieces of Parts
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi

-------------- Blind Copy Reply message --------------

wow! clear boundaries. You have really thrown the gauntlet down. Hang in there and stand your ground honey. You deserve it. Luv, cuzin T

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I totally love you Luvin-Cuzin.

My mantra was the sound of your deeply loving voice inside my utterly scared heart.

"You must stand up for yourself, and keep the boundaries going."
And my dearest girlfriends separating comment: "This keeps you all separate - you and her, her and them, you and them."

But mainly "You must stand up for yourself."

I just felt, and wanted you with me.
I felt the person of your past, the one that had made the same CHOICE, standing next to you, while saying that to me when on the phone.
I needed Him, His you from where I am NOW.
And your Most Present You of NOW.

I also sat still.
In the dark.
In my silent apartment.
And asked the ones that were scared to give me their VOICES.
I needed to hear them, all my hurt Children. KNOWING needed them to come forward into the Light of my NOW Pieces of Parts.

I found, and I heard:

Victim Roll
Child Roll
Under Dog Roll
Dumping Ground Roll

I allowed each one to step forward.
I sat and FELT each one.
Remembered too many times when each one had been my Present Beings.
Doing their best to keep some part of my Little Pieces Safe.

Then I connected each one to a part in the letter.
Only then, was the letter from All of Me.

And then all inside me fell silent...

And then at Peace...

And then Present.

And I hit the Send button, and STOOD UP.

I totally love you dearly!
Your Cuz,
Pieces of Parts
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi

-------------- Reply message --------------

Lovely, very, very beautiful- including all your parts. I'm happy you found your way to you're own peace and presence. This is good grasshopper!! your luvin-cuzin

--
Luvin-Cuzin

LOVE is the power and the fabric of the Universe

Subject: Re: Finals

Hi Pieces,

Thanks for all your emails! I am finally home from traveling and have taken a day off just to chill.

Of all your emails, I really like this one. I am in total agreement with Shrink, that YOU are now doing all the work. I feel that you are quite empowered at this point- you are making your decisions and doing your actions based on thought and CHOICE, and not just pure reaction. I feel that you are acting as an Equal, as an Adult, in your communication and interactions with your family, and that you are no longer accepting their (or your old) belief that you are the Sick One. I know these communications with your family are very, very difficult and painful. I hope that the pain will decrease in time, but even if it doesn't, I see you taking care of yourself, standing up for yourself, and communicating the way that you want, within the limits of what is possible with them.

I'm so glad that you are talking with Luvn Cuzn! I think he is a tremendous resource for you, because the two of you are in the same shoes- the same family, the same issues, and probably very similar if not the same solutions. He seems like a fantastic guy!

I think your emails to your family are very good! They are your truth, and they are clear and succinct. Blood Sister might get ticked off, but I think you are letting her know that you won't stand for her bullying. You may have to protect that boundary several more times. You are responding to her as an equal. And of course, you ARE her equal!

Thanks for the email with the Caregiver resources. I will definitely share this with my Mom. In fact, I am heading over to see her and Dad in a few minutes and will tell her about the page then.

I am really proud of what you're doing, Pieces. It's been just awesome to know you and to be a witness to all this spectacular growth! You continue to be a real inspiration to me!

Much love,

Sister Spirit
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On 4/1/08, Pieces of Part wrote:

Hi Sister Spirit,

After a few more deep cries, while sitting with the last two drafts I sent you, I suddenly realized that I needed to 'SHOW THE LOVE" in some way, in my letters to my folks and my sister.

And in a big way, say how I FEEL.

If I am going to STAND UP for myself with Blood Sister, then I need to say what is my truth. And I need to help myself to really understand, that I have seriously nothing to lose, but the continuation of losing myself.

I feel much better about the letters below. I will sit with them for some more time. And when they chime as my truth, with my Ghandi quote, then I will do the next right thing.

Something is nagging at me to do this on my own without seeing Shrink with them in hand, for going over. But rather, showing them to him as "this is what I chose to write and did - send button already pressed."

Although another part of that part of me, is nagging at me to hit the send button and then call Shrink and tell him I'll see him at our regular time next week.

Shrink told me Monday that as he sees it, all I have been really doing for some time now, is coming into his office, the same way I am coming to you, or like I called and spoke to my cousin last night. That I am NOW really doing all of the work myself, and he's just being a show of support - not in approval space, but in confirmation that I am all ready doing the right thing.
Something like that.

When he said that, and as I am typing this out to you, I felt as if "the father" in him was telling me that I am all grown up. And as he told me about his children's lives, how he sees them - to start on my own JOURNEY. Or that I am on it, and to trust myself as having my own journey and go with it NOW.

(tears)

I guess you were very right in what you wrote last night my Dearest Sister Spirit ...

Your family already considers you the Very Sick One. You're not the Super Sick One anymore!!!!

I am stepping my own self out of that space by STANDING UP for me.

Part of me wishes I had my own big burly loving guy beside me right now.
But I also know that in the end, it would need to be me, standing up for me, even if I did have him.

Oh well. It is what it is.

I love you.
Pieces of Parts
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi