A Weekend Q, with a weekend A - Part 2

My Sister was only doing what she was taught how to do. Her ACTIONS were unconscious. I know this. And I am becoming more aware that this has been what I have understood as NORMAL. [And OMG - that is why she told me that phone call before this last one - Don't you feel supported by me? OMG - it just hit me!!!]
(light bulb moment within a light bulb moment!) - came to me while editing this.


Dearest Dearest Spirit Sister!

The above statement is so BIG!

Just as with my class with RollingEyesClay, did I suddenly realize that I had, as a child, gone into the outside world of my school years, not feeling supported and loved, coming home to chaos and victimization. So I have been feeling it as I have been stepping out of my own Safe Zones.

It suddenly hit me this morning how powerful my "bedtime stories" have really been to my MORNINGS. And then how I choose to live that next morning of one day. Each of those one days. Adding up to weeks and months and years.

My sister was right for what she was asking me. In shock she asked didn't I feel supported by her?!!! By her NOT PICKING UP TO THE PHONE WHEN I CALLED. FOR THREE YEARS STRAIGHT! By her BRUTEL ATTACKING PHONE CALLS for I don't know how many F*ing years!! By SCREAMING at me to go get on a plane and go to Biker’s bedside in Mobile, after he'd gone down!!!

Wasn't She supporting Me in the ONLY way my family has been talking AT me?!!

YES!! And She was right. It is ALL She has heard anyone do towards me.

And Spirit Sister, I have been making myself SICK so that I would also feel LOVED and SUPPORTED.

I SEE IT NOW!!!
OMG, I never ever thought I would!

I just promised myself, that since feeling inwardly tortured brings about deep feelings of love and supported-ness from me to me, as I have been understanding it to feel, (even tho when I come out of these spaces my Body is sickly and hurts much - and can take days to heal from), that I will, from this point on - with changes as they need to be made - I will GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to have 10 mins of silence every day. And that the times when I am feeling overwhelmed, scared etc. I will go into a place that I know, and will try to recreate A SAFE PLACE TO LAND - to allow myself to come HOME to, when ever I want it. It might end up being of NO MIND, and that is fine.

I have been feeling overwhelmed and sick and spreading myself out too thin. And not giving myself down time. I have been feeling as if I am always on a stage performing a play called Pieces Needs to Get a Life RIGHT NOW.

I have been longing, deep down inside for a little time every day of silence.

Shrink said, the only person I need permission from, is Me.

I just simply can NOT, do NOT want to get on the phone with my folks and not feel supported by ME. Shrink says the permission to be able to handle myself, must come from me to me. That way, they can remain as they are. I don't need them to change. Because I am changing, and I am supporting me while talking to them.

I guess this is why Shrink was so excited when i told Blood Sister that what she was demanding of me didn't feel healthy. That I told her at least twice, not in a very big or loud voice at all, but she heard me, that I wanted to talk to Shrink about this before answering her.

He saw it Spirit Sister, he saw that it was probably my very first time of truly making a statement, of me supporting me!
(Oh wow, I just realized it myself!)

What I did while in RollingEyesClay's class was BIG. And it worked for me!!! I felt very much supported by me to me. And still do when ever I do it. That was a hard hard hurt-filled place I was finding a way to heal and support myself into my NOW with.

This is the same as that, only further in. Further basic to my way of Being and understanding Love.

I've been feeling so RUSHED to call my folks about the house stuff. Which has been offset, by everyone telling me there is no rush to have this phone calling NEEDing to happen right now, cause the market ain't gonna change that fast. I have been struggling with this since the letters came to me. And I feel very pushed into doing it while Shrink has been on vacation with his family. So that it would be done by the time I go to see him this Thursday.

But something deep within me, has been telling me that's not the right thing to do.
Is that supporting me, or is that putting more chances to torture me and then to have the same relationship I feel that I have been having with each of my family members? Making myself do what I know, while trying to walk through a New Door where I don't do these things to me anymore as show of (old) support and (old) love.

This is where all the SHOULDs live.

These SHOULDs are propelling these fundamental connections because I have been FIGHTING them with NOWisum for these past couple of weeks. I have made myself sick with it all going on in my head.

And in this SICKNESS I asked a question, sent you the answer.

Shrink is right.
I must give myself permission, in all sorts of spaces.

After all, I guess I gave myself permission to console me the way that I have been. Guess I can give myself permission to find another more healthier way NOW.


Love you,
Pieces of Parts
"We must be the change we wish to see."
- Gandhi

This is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BIG SPIRIT SISTER!!!


All of this, came out of my cluttered up Walk-in Closet.
I HAVE BEEN HIDING IN THERE AS WELL - BIG BIG BIT TIME!!!